Should You Have A Threesome And If So How?

Céline Remy 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you are a man, woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. Because well, sex matters. We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right. Welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode Six. And today we are going to talk about should you have a threesome? And if so, how.

Céline Remy 0:41
So we thought this would be a fantastic subject to follow last week’s when we started to explore a different alternative to the paradigm of the relationship that we know of just monogamy. And to be honest, I have yet to meet a man that has not had the fantasy of having a threesome. And that’s a conversation again, that shows up again and again in our circles of friends or with clients. So today, we really wanted to dive in and give you some of our juicy tips, shares, review our experiences and explore the subject.

Kevin Anthony 1:24
Yeah, so let’s explore, you know, so obviously, this subject comes up a lot in the work that Celine does when she’s working with men. So there are lots of men who bring this subject up in various different ways because it’s something that they fantasize about. And you know, I can say, as a man myself, especially as a much younger man, before I had ever had a threesome. I fantasized about this all the time at I don’t really know a guy that hasn’t fantasized about this.

Kevin Anthony 1:57
I am assuming that it’s maybe somewhat similar for women, but probably need men, I would imagine. Think about it more. But just from my own perspective, as a guy, I can honestly tell you that if you’ve never had a threesome, you’ve probably thought about it somewhere along the lines of hundred million times.

Céline Remy 2:18
And it’s interesting for women, and I can’t speak for every woman, but I can speak for myself and for my close friends, where I have some of those discussions with and it’s not really something we think about so much unless you have already been exploring your sexuality and having had different experiences. It might not be something that crosses your mind as often we might be focusing more on romantic gestures on building safety and security into the relationship than on the fun wild exploration of it.

Céline Remy 2:59
And having had threesomes. Having explored that in previous relationships, I have to say that once I experienced or free some and had some successful experiences with them, that’s something that I did look forward to at some points. So I guess it’s kind of two parts, if you don’t know what you’re missing, that might not be something that you are thinking about. If you have had some or have had good experiences with it. That wouldn’t be something that you are looking forward to having again,

Kevin Anthony 3:35
What an interesting difference between men and women there, right? Because what you’re describing is, you don’t know what you’re missing, so you don’t really think about it. And with men, it’s really generally the opposite way around. It’s like we don’t know what we’re missing. So we’re thinking about it all the time. Because the reality is, is that once you have it you might go “oh my god that was amazing”.

Kevin Anthony 4:01
I want more but you might also go you know, it triggered me I didn’t really enjoy about you my partner was somebody out like this all this other stuff that you as a guy you may not really think about until you actually do it.

Céline Remy 4:15
Yeah, and it’s one thing to imagine it it’s another thing to do it and my first free some actually was traumatizing. And that’s why I am so adamant about teaching people about it because I learned so much from that experience about what not to do that I really don’t wish that on anyone and then I had positive experiences later.

So I know that it is possible to have some beautiful experiences and one thing that I really wanted to mention for the women listening to this show today and you know often when guys imagine a free some there like here two women on the how hard you know.

Céline Remy 4:59
The other part that is really hot is two women getting on with each other and I get to watch you know, and maybe you are not bisexual, maybe you’re not even bi-sensual maybe you’re not into women. So you’re like, I’m not gonna play with another woman. And I also want to say like, guys start imagining it the other way around because maybe she wants another man. What about two men and one woman?

Kevin Anthony 5:28
This is something that I think most guys, it doesn’t even initially enter their minds. And I can tell you, I’ve had a lot of conversations with men about this subject. And they’re like, Yeah, man, I always want to have a threesome, oh my god. Right? And then you go, but you know, a threesome could be two men and women.

Kevin Anthony 5:54
You know, many men, unless they happen to be bisexual. Many men automatically think of Twitter in a man when they think of threesome.

Céline Remy 6:01
Yeah, and it’s not the case. It’s not the case. And I mean, from my own personal experience, it’s probably been about 50/50. Yeah, and I think it’s important once you start talking about 40 some and imagining you know that it goes both ways. Because again, if she’s not into a woman and she’s on the into men and you want to have a threesome, then you have to give her the opportunity to experience more than one person on her,

Kevin Anthony 6:28
which of course doesn’t mean that you as a man have to be into men. So we need to make that clear, you don’t have to be into the gender of the other party that’s joining, you

Céline Remy 6:38
just have to not be homophobic, and it’s a huge one, I actually think that most men should have a threesome with another dude. Like just being naked next to another man and seeing another cock and not feel so threatened. It’s very healing, I think for guys.

Kevin Anthony 6:55
And if that’s a bit much, maybe start off at a nude beach or nude resort, something, something like that, before that cock happens to be pointing at your woman

Céline Remy 7:06
It takes a really strong man feel comfortable being in the presence of another man, not feel threatened, not comparing the sizes or the moves or anything like that. And that’s something that’s really big about threesomes like you have to drop the comparison, you have to drop the competition. And that’s really when it can become a beautiful experience.

Kevin Anthony 7:29
If there was ever a time that you needed to work together with another man, this would be the time.

Céline Remy 7:37
So I think that’s a really good point we’re making here because I had this conversation with a client just a few days ago. He was telling me that his wife liked to be pounded like to have really fast sex. And that’s not his ideal sex, he likes to slow down more, he likes to go for longer and take care time, and she kind of wants it fast and in and sometimes even get it over us

Kevin Anthony 8:06
and furious, Fast and Furious.

Céline Remy 8:08
And so we were talking about that idea of the free summon having another man and the idea of tag-teaming. And his eyes just lit up when I started mentioning that, and I was like, Oh my god, this is actually a good idea. For him, that started to feel like a liberation,

Kevin Anthony 8:28
it took the pressure off, it

Céline Remy 8:29
took the pressure off, he saw that he could be able to provide for his woman what she wanted, but that he could also not have to be the one doing yet because he didn’t specifically like it. And that, like he could have that tag teaming and that break, and then she would be happy. And guess who she would be so thankful to at the end.

Kevin Anthony 8:53
So that’s a great segway into talking about what the positives and negatives are in having a threesome. So let’s start with the positives. Because, you know, we’d like to be positive as much as we can. Let’s talk about some of the good things that could come out of having a threesome. Mm-hmm. One of them is the freedom of sexual expression.

Kevin Anthony 9:16
And this is something actually that’s kind of big for me, I think don’t think of it so much in terms of threesomes. But, you know, if we go to a sex party or some other type of event, the one of the things that is the most fun for me is the fact that you have a bunch of mature people who have done the work, who are responsible, who are just expressing themselves, sexually with just freedom.

Céline Remy 9:44
That’s a huge piece, that freedom to explore your desires and your wants. And we’ve covered that in some other shows. But when you give yourself permission, I kind of call it to unleash your sexual free, it opens up the door to new pleasure to so much more. And that’s essential to push yourself into these edges.

Céline Remy 10:09
Because if you just settle for what is comfortable, there’s no growth that really happens when and I’m not saying everybody should have a free some, but you have to challenge your sexual expression and find your edges and push a little bit just so that you can continue to grow.

Kevin Anthony 10:27
You know, I say this probably every show, because every time that we talk about a particular subject, we’re really talking about something that applies to all of life, and not just your sexuality. So this idea of not getting stuck in a comfortable place where we feel comfortable, we’re in our little box, and we feel safe and cozy and warm. And we stay there. Right, this idea of maybe stepping a little bit outside of that comfy box.

Kevin Anthony 10:58
That’s where the growth actually happened, had a fascinating conversation this weekend with a physicist who worked at CERN. This is basically the exact same thing that he was telling me about the research that they’re doing at CERN because they understand that this research is actually quite potentially dangerous. So my question to him was if you wonder if you know, these risks exist, why do you do it? And I was really just curious what his answer would be.

Kevin Anthony 11:27
And basically, what he was saying was that, in order to push society forward, in order to keep evolving society, we have to push the edges. And it’s kind of the same thing here. Which is, in order for us to continue to grow and become better people, better humans better partners. Sometimes we need to push the edges, not always. But maybe sometimes.

Céline Remy 11:51
Yeah, and in some ways are another Yeah. Never positive of going for free songs is that it becomes a fantasy, then finally becomes a reality. And it’s no longer that obsession.

Kevin Anthony 12:06
Oh, this one, maybe we should have done this one first. Because here’s something we see, when working with couples quite frequently, we see the man going, I’ve always fantasized about what it would be like to have a threesome. And of course, in his mind, he’s always thinking two women. And then the woman is like, over there with this look of disgust on her face thinking, I don’t want a threesome at all. I’m happy in my monogamy like, no.

Kevin Anthony 12:35
The problem with that is, if you if you’re in a relationship, you’ve never actually experienced this before, and you’re a guy, there is the potential, the potential for it to turn into an obsession. Hmm. And so the idea is, if you’ve actually done it, you can say, okay, been there done that, like, and for a lot of guys, trust me, for a lot of guys, once they’ve been there done that they’re going to realize it’s not at all like the fantasy I had in my head.

Céline Remy 13:05
Because already, sometimes it can be challenging as a man to fulfill one woman. Now let’s say you in the scenario with two women, have you ever thought what it means to actually have to satisfy two women, especially if they’re not into one another, it means the responsibility falls on to you and your cock.

Kevin Anthony 13:24
Yeah, and, you know, we quote, some of the stats in our courses are power mastery courses about men, and you know how long they last, and their erection issues and their premature ejaculation issues and all this kind of stuff. If you can’t master yourself enough to really satisfy one woman, what makes you think you can satisfy to

Céline Remy 13:48
Unless you’re one of those lucky men that finds a woman who likes every woman, and who likes to tag team with her, and then it becomes all about you. That’s another way of doing the freestyle.

Kevin Anthony 14:00
You could be one of those lucky men that has trained yourself to be able to last that long and be able to give that much because it’s not even just about lasting long. It’s giving a lot of energy, it’s making sure that both women feel safe and cared for and their needs are met. And it’s a lot of energy, huh,

Céline Remy 14:19
yeah. So never positive of going for free some is that you finally would get your needs met, why not all the two of you have that was a fantasy that you shared and had something that’s awesome when you get your needs met when you’re in a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 14:37
Yeah, and if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you know, sometimes if you’re not feeding your relationship, you know, it can get a little stagnant, you can kind of lose that spark sex can even sometimes become a routine. It shouldn’t. And it doesn’t have to. And there are lots of things that you can do to make sure that does happen.

Kevin Anthony 15:01
But this is one of the tools that you could maybe pull out of the old toolbox, you know, you’ve been married for 15 years is you’re not having the same excitement you had this could potentially be a way to bring some of that spark and excitement back into the bedroom.

Céline Remy 15:16
That’s a nice positive there. So I want to look at the other side of

Kevin Anthony 15:23
the other side. Now that we just made, every single Man in the audience wants a threesome,

Céline Remy 15:27
I’m not sure if the women are all into it. Yeah, and I don’t know after we share it, but we’re going to give you the step by steps in a little bit. But we want to look at some of the negative from a threesome, that’s not done properly. Like I mentioned earlier, that was my first experience too. And I learned a lot and these things can be prevented. And that’s why we’re going to give you those kinds of guidelines on what to do and how to do it properly.

Céline Remy 15:51
Because one of the negative is that a threesome can be frightening. It can be frightening to your relationship it could be threatening to his status as the wife, the girlfriend or the husband or the boyfriend, like whatever is the title that you have. And nobody likes to feel like that.

Kevin Anthony 16:14
And maybe some of the people listening are thinking, Oh, yeah, she’s going to get jealous. But let’s reframe that for a second here. Guys, how do you think that you will react the first time you hear her scream in a way that she has never screamed when she was with you? Oh,

Céline Remy 16:32
Yeah, that’s hard.

Kevin Anthony 16:33
That is ego-crushing it is it is.

Céline Remy 16:39
And so you gotta be prepared about that as a possibility that and you know, if you remember going back into your relationship, when you were first starting to date, you’re in that honeymoon phase, there’s, there’s a special connection that happens like a sexually you haven’t yet fully gotten used to one another and those that electricity.

Céline Remy 17:04
And if that’s a threesome with somebody new, she’s going to experience that with that person. One thing that I have experienced that is pretty awesome, though, is when one or two of the people to experience that in the universe, that that new relationship energy is sometimes called NRA, it actually transpires into your existing relationship. And what that means is that she could be experiencing that, Oh, my God, this is a new lover, and I’m so excited.

Céline Remy 17:38
And then she’ll bring that energy back into your established relationship. And some of those early on feelings you guys used to have will come back to the surface. So that’s a really nice thing there to that can happen as a side effect.

Kevin Anthony 17:51
Yeah, that’s bringing us back to the benefits. I know it is possible. I’ve experienced it when it happens. It’s amazing.

Céline Remy 17:57
Yeah. Another negative is that can be quite traumatizing if it’s not done. Right. And sometimes it can create more harm than it brings like health and fall into the relationship and traumatizing because, you know, anytime you’re dealing with sexuality, you’re more open and you’re getting into a more vulnerable state, it’s highly charged, highly powerful. And when something happens, that is traumatizing, it could impact you even deeper than if you were doing another activity that does not generate that much energy.

Kevin Anthony 18:31
Yeah, and look, what can happen is, even if the event itself isn’t really traumatizing, when you’re working with powerful energies like this, it can actually bring up past trauma. And so you might have all the discussions upfront with your partner, you’ve worked out all the details, you’ve got all the tools, and then you get in there and boom, yeah, somebody gets triggered, and you’re like, what the hell I thought we handled this, and we talked about it. The reality is, is it doesn’t have anything to do with you or even that situation, it might be triggering a bass drum.

Céline Remy 19:06
So really, what’s important is that because there’s no such thing as like, the perfect threesome, it’s your ability to bounce back from what’s happening. And we’ll talk more about that in our steps to creating a successful free some.

Kevin Anthony 19:20
Yeah, and so the word of caution here, when we’re talking about the negatives is, yeah, you can look at the list of positives and get all excited about it. But just remember that this stuff is real, and it’s powerful. And it’s not a decision to be made lightly. And realize that there could be potential negative side effects.

Céline Remy 19:41
Yeah. Once you can’t undo what has been done, and you can’t remove the images, or, you know, like things that have been witnessed and done. Sometimes I have worked with couples that have come to see me that had unsuccessful three subs were eroded their connection, and we have to rework at going through that. And so you got to be ready that if you’re going down that path, you are willing to do what it takes to make it work.

Kevin Anthony 20:12
So what does it take to make it work? great segue. Let’s talk about some of the things that you need to have. In order to have a successful threesome. There’s, there’s some foundation that you really need to have. And the first one really is deep trust, you have to really trust your partner. And I don’t mean trust that they’re not going to do something that you know, maybe you have some agreements, and you’re like, yeah, you can do everything.

Kevin Anthony 20:41
But this thing, the trust isn’t just are they going to abide by that when I say deep trust, what I mean is you have to really trust that you, as the primary partnership, are dedicated to each other, that this isn’t going to derail your relationship, that she feels safe, that you’re still going to be there for her and be her rock no matter what. And vice versa. As guys, we feel the same thing.

Kevin Anthony 21:03
Like the number one threat is, is she going to like his cock better, is she gonna leave me because he’s a better lover. That’s the fear that goes through every guy’s head. Mm-hmm. So that deep trust knowing that no matter what happens in this situation, you guys are still there.

Céline Remy 21:21
And that’s it from the woman perspective, I like to call it safety because that’s, that’s a word that we resonate with a lot. And also, I like to call it as a foundation where you also feel full in your relationship, that you are the unit you are the team and that your cup is full now that number of you is lacking something and missing a huge component or like this this off, because otherwise, it is too threatening.

Céline Remy 21:52
If you feel that you’re half full, or towards empty, and then you add somebody else. And then it’s just like, it’s too hard to deal with that

Kevin Anthony 22:01
This is not a cure for a failing relationship. This is an addition to a successful relationship.

Céline Remy 22:07
If you want it to be a wonderful experience, yeah. Communication is your next step communication, we talk about it all the time communication is key, you need to be able to talk about everything you need to be able to talk first about your wants your desires, you need to be able to have communication when difficult things come up, need to evoke to be able to handle conflict, to defuse arguments to have empathy when somebody is triggered. So communication in all its many forms is essential.

Kevin Anthony 22:46
Exactly. And communication starting with before the event occurs. So you really want to talk about all the possible scenarios. Well, what happens if this body part ends up over here? And then Okay, then if we’re in this situation, like talk about all of that stuff, okay, well, how would you feel if this happened? What would you do if this happens? So there’s that communication. There’s also the communication that happens during which we’ll talk about a little bit further on down the steps but

Céline Remy 23:15
communication that happens after you know, because often you will need reassurance that no matter how much fun they had your partners to loves you your partner still thinks you’re the greatest person on the planet. And these are really essential skills to be able to have and to bring to your relationship.

Kevin Anthony 23:33
Alright, the next sort of foundational piece is emotional maturity. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 23:43
Yeah, this is one that a lot of people…

Céline Remy 23:46
Miss, forget, bypass?

Kevin Anthony 23:51
Lack?

Céline Remy 23:52
You know, it’s okay. If I just can’t, you know, have a short temper, I can still make it work. And right now, not really. If you know, you have a tendency to be jealous, like, all of these things need to be addressed to be talked about and to be dealt with. You need to take responsibility. That’s what emotional maturity is about is that nobody can make you feel a certain way. But you,

Kevin Anthony 24:16
And not only that but when something does come up, how do you deal with it? Do you fly off the handle and go and rage or scream or throw a temper tantrum? or break down crying? Or do emotional blackmail? Like, all that kind of stuff? Or are you able to sit back, witness your emotions, and then triggered shoes, how to react? And to me, that’s the key to emotional maturity, because we all have emotions. emotional maturity doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything.

Kevin Anthony 24:48
It just means that when I’m feeling jealousy, rather than freaking out and screaming at somebody, I take a step back and go, Okay, I’m feeling jealous. Why am I feeling jealous? What can I do about that?

Céline Remy 24:59
Why do I need because underneath everything is a need of a precious need of us that’s not being met. So being able to make requests. So back to our communication, when when you are triggered, making requests of something that you might need to help you bring yourself back into balance.

Kevin Anthony 25:15
Exactly. Which brings us to the next thing is before you start, you have to have an agreement. Yes. And the agreements are things like, Okay, are we going to have penetration or not?

Céline Remy 25:27
Are we using condoms

Kevin Anthony 25:28
using condoms?

Céline Remy 25:30
Like, like, agreements? also about? What do we do? And is I think I want to tie it to our next step in terms of having safe words if like, okay, so if somebody gets triggered, like, do we have like a code? Something like red, yellow, green light? So do we have something else like, what’s

Kevin Anthony 25:52
my safe word?

Céline Remy 25:55
Everything has to stop. But like all six agreements need to be very, very clear. So that you’re not wondering if you have decided you’re going to use condoms, have the condoms next to the bed, or wherever you are, when you having that free sub have everything into place so that you don’t have to guess things, agreements to in terms of everybody being tested for any sexually transmitted infections or things like that.

Céline Remy 26:21
So that you know where you stand agreements with what happens after the free some lag? Do we never talk to each other? Do we call each other? Or do we send a birthday card through each other? I mean, really, like it was like, yeah,

Kevin Anthony 26:37
we’re laughing, but this stuff is real. I mean, I had a situation once where we’re going prior to a situation, the woman said to me, I have one rule. And the rule is, you have to call me the next day. That was her, that was your deal breaker. Like if I didn’t call the next day like all hell was gonna break lose. Yeah.

Céline Remy 26:57
So remember that it’s super important that for any reason, at any moment, it anything isn’t going the way that you comfortable with it, you can stop it, you can call it off, you can put it on pause. And you know, none. It sounds so much like what you had imagined, if you if it doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, like, you know, we again, that emotional maturity, you know, the five-year-old is like, I didn’t get the attention I wanted. But once you’re noticing, like, wow, I don’t know how to include myself in this situation. Because sometimes that’s a challenge.

Céline Remy 27:29
And if you see the two people that are engaging with one another, then beautiful, like, let’s say I gay saying are they, they making love, and they’re sharing this moment, and you kind of like the third will, they’re watching it and be like, for some, it’s hard, you don’t know how to insert yourself literally and figuratively. Like how many guys like include me, and if it’s not your personality to just like, you know, go for it, you need to be able to be like, I’m lost or like, help me like things like that that are essential.

Kevin Anthony 28:01
Yeah. And so you can do all of the planning upfront, you can have all of the discussions upfront about how you think it’s going to go and how you would like it to go. But the reality is, once you’re in it, it could go completely different and often does. And you have to be able to make adjustments in the moment. And you have to be able to do with emotional maturity.

Kevin Anthony 28:23
So if your partner is having a great time with somebody else, and you’re triggered, like triggered his foot, you know, then you need to be able to step into that and say, I’m triggered, and we need to change something that’s happening. And if you’re on the other side, and you’re the person who’s saying. Wow, I’m having a great time, and I am, I am right on the edge of the best orgasm I’ve ever had, you still need to be able to say, Okay, all right, let’s stop, let’s regroup. Let’s do something different. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 28:59
You want to have clarity on your intentions? Also, where? Why are you having this free some? and intellectually? What are you trying to create with that? And what does it mean having sex together like intention, again, is key. And also, and this is like something personal that I didn’t have in my first reason that didn’t go well. I didn’t have the clarity on what the other woman wanted. I kept asking, like, what I wanted to hear is that she loved my partner, and that she wanted to provide him with a beautiful time and that she cared about him. She wasn’t willing to give me that. And she wasn’t willing to give me what she really wanted or was expecting from that.

Céline Remy 29:45
At that time, I didn’t really speak up that, Okay, I need this before we start, I was just like, okay, it doesn’t matter. During the threesome, I got really triggered. And I noticed that not knowing the intention before we started, where did we stand? Was she going to be a part Interstellar where she like, I mean, you know, like, I needed to know these things? And so it’s essential to have this piece, this clarity because that would have created a better container for me where I could have relaxed, so much more, and then enjoy the moments more.

Kevin Anthony 30:15
Yeah, and that comes back to that safety piece that we were talking about earlier. And notice that through so many of these things that we’re talking about, communication is really the thread that ties them all together. Yeah, if you have good communication, your chances of a successful threesome are quite high.

Céline Remy 30:34
So we want to leave you with one last piece of advice or wisdom to take with you. So now that you know what steps you need to put into place and what to look for the blind spot and you’re like, Okay, we ready, we love each other, we’ve communicated, we’ve done the stuff, we ready to go for it, experiment and have fun. But always make your relationship the priority.

Céline Remy 30:58
That means that you always come back to the relationship and you nourish it in between the times that you stretch yourself. Because free summer is fun as they are and can be also a big stretch. And you can always be pushing stretching doing more and more and more because at one time the rubber band might snap. So you need to come back to that place of nourishing and making your relationship the priority.

Kevin Anthony 31:25
Yes. So there you have it. Now you can decide for yourself whether or not you should have a threesome and if you decide that yes is the answer. One, have fun and to make sure you use the tools that we’ve given you. If you have questions, you know how to find us, ask us We are happy to help you. All right. That’s all the time we have on our show for this week. We will see you next week. We hope if you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, leave a comment and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 32:06
And if you want more we have an entire digital library with the best sex tips and Relationship Advice at kevinandceline.com. That’s kevinandceline.com So join us in the sex vault to continue this adventure.

Kevin Anthony 32:23
Thanks for listening

Céline Remy 32:24
And remember, you’re amazing.