Men We Need To Talk: 11 Things Men Need To Stop/Start Doing

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 296. We are closing in on 300. So excited about that. All right, this episode is titled Men; we need to talk about 11 things that men need to stop and start doing. So, this episode might be a little bit different than the episodes that I normally do. But here’s here’s what’s going on. As a coach, especially one who for a number of years was working primarily with men, I see patterns, patterns that repeat themselves over and over again. Now, recently, I’ve been working with a lot more couples. I mean, Celine and I always worked with couples, but I’ve been doing a bit more work with couples and even starting to work more with women individually. And I keep hearing the same things over and over and over again, I keep seeing the same patterns repeated by men, I keep hearing the same complaints from women. And I want to address those in this episode.

So we’re going to be talking about things that men are currently doing today that are not serving them the relationship or their women. And we’re going to talk about what they could be doing instead that would serve themselves, their women, and their relationships. And it’s super important because a lot of things have shifted over the decades about what it means to be a man and how you show up. So in the old days, it used to be that men were very masculine, they took the masculine role. And that was good. But they weren’t very conscious about the way they did that. And so they got a lot of, you know, bad rap, so to speak, and sometimes very justified for the way that they treated women. So, in response to that, which is very often the case, the pendulum has swung the absolute opposite way.

And there’s a lot of been a lot of pressure for quite a while now for men to stop being men. So, you know, you might say that they had good intentions, that they were trying to fix the problems, the ways in which men were not showing up in their relationships and not treating their women properly. But at the same time, they either just went way too far, or there are potentially other agendas at play here, which we don’t need to go into in this show. But the point is that they’ve largely taken away a lot of the qualities and behaviors that women really loved and appreciated about men. And now women are left going, I know, I don’t get it, I don’t get why he’s not stepping up, I don’t get why he’s not doing the things that, you know, men should be doing. And so it’s interesting, because on the one hand, you know, I’m hearing the women say, Well, yeah, you know, I’m really glad that you know, he’s done X, Y, and Z. But now he’s missing, you know, a, b, and c, right.

So what we’re going to attempt to do in this episode is help men get back on track, help them understand what it is that, as men, their sort of role is how they should be showing up in the relationship, what it is she’s looking for. Because a lot of men are super confused these days. They’re like, But I tried to be this guy. And you said that no, this was toxic, right? And I shouldn’t do this. And now I’m trying to be this guy, but you’re not attracted to me the, you know, women don’t want to sleep with me. They don’t respect me, right? So a lot of men are really confused about what does this really mean? Now I’ve done other shows about, you know, this is this is what she wants from her man and all that and those are great, actually, I highly suggest you go back and listen to those. But this is going to be a little bit different than that. In those shows. I was really focusing on here’s what a woman wants.

Here I’m going to be pointing out a little bit more of the behaviors and the things that you’re doing that are not serving you. And of course, this is not just going to be a pitch fest, I’m going to also give you then, you know, what is the alternative to that? What would serve you better? What would serve your woman better? What would serve your relationship better? Now, before I get any criticism about, you know, why are you just bagging on men? You know, what about the women? What about their role and all of this, you’re absolutely right in any relationship it takes to, and the ladies certainly have their share of responsibility for kind of what I would call the tragedy of modern relationships. However, this particular show is not going to be about that. I might do a follow-up episode in which I talk about the lady’s responsibility here. However, I’m feeling like what I really need to do that well, is to enlist a powerful female who can really speak as a woman to women, and say the things to women that they need to hear that if I say, I’ll suddenly get accused of, you know, being some sort of asshole, man. So, I work on that, I’ll see if I can find a really powerful evolved woman who knows what’s up and is willing to talk about it. If you know somebody like that, let me know.

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Okay, so things modern men are doing that are not serving them, their women, or the relationship, and what they could be doing instead. So number one, not making their relationship a priority. I can’t tell you how many times I see this. And it usually starts off like this: you’re dating, you’re dating, and you make it a priority. So you say things like, Yeah, I’ll rearrange my schedule so that we can make sure that, you know, we go on that date. Or I will, you know, show up to this thing that you want me to show up to because, you know, I know it’s important to you. And then somewhere down the road, after you’ve been together for a while, you know, maybe you’re in a committed long-term relationship, maybe you’re married, but at some point, you kind of stop making it a priority. And in some cases, a lot of these guys aren’t even making it a priority from day one, which is super frustrating to women who are dating. I hear this all the time from women, they’re like, it’s like, it’s like I’m not even a priority. Or it’s like I’m not even important. You know, he won’t, he won’t give up, you know, one day a week going to do his, you know, my sports thing. In order to make time for me like I hear this all the time.

I see it a little bit more in longer-term relationships, but I’m starting to see it a lot in the dating scene as well, where, you know, you guys are just not making the relationship a priority. So here’s the question for you as men. Do you want to be in a relationship or not? And you got to be honest with yourself. Do you want to be in a relationship, and if you do, then you have to prioritize it? You have to make it something that is important to you. I will tell you this. Women absolutely prioritize the relationship, and they absolutely want their man to prioritize the relationship. And if you put everything else ahead of that, it’s just not going to work out. Now, some people say, Oh, well, you know, I, I’m dedicated to my career, and this is my life calling. And this is great, awesome, you can still be dedicated to your career. In fact, being dedicated to your career and doing something in life that you believe is your calling is extremely attractive to women.

However, you also have to make time for them. Because if you don’t, she’ll end up cheating on you. And she’ll end up leaving you, you know, she might respect you, as far as your business goes, but she’s not going to respect you in how you show up in the relationship. So it’s really important to make your relationship a priority. Well, what does what does that look like? Well, that looks like making time for her, making sure that you’re giving enough time to her, and nurturing the relationship. Well, what is enough time? Well, that really depends on your relationship and your woman. But you got to figure out what that is, you know, it’s really helpful to simply ask her, you know, is this relationship meeting your needs? You know, are we spending enough quality time together? Do you need more? Do you need less like, where are you at, you got to figure that out. If you can’t make your relationship a priority, then it’s just not going to be successful. And I see way, way, way too many men, after a while, just get on autopilot.

They’re literally just on autopilot. And it’s just like, they take it for granted, the relationship is always there, they come home from work, she’s there, right? Or the family is there or whatever, until, until she’s not. There is a group I am in on Facebook. And it used to belong to a man that Céline And I had on this show, and we were on his show several times years ago. So an authentic man group. And, you know, it’s all around men’s coaching. In every single day. I am not this is not an exaggeration. Every single day, I see posts from new men joining the group, talking about how their woman has just told them that she wants to leave, how upset they are, and how they know they should have done X, Y, and Z. And now they really want to do it. And they really want to change, but it’s too late because she’s already decided that she wants to leave. I’m telling you, every single day, sometimes multiple a day, just in this one group alone. And what that’s telling me is that too many men are asleep at the wheel. And they are not giving their relationship the attention and making it the priority that it deserves to be until it’s too late. Until finally, she’s like, I’ve had enough; I’m done. I’m out.

Don’t let yourself be that guy. Make your relationship a priority. I mean, I can’t I can’t say in any stronger terms. And if you’re not willing to make your relationship a priority, then you need to reevaluate whether or not you really want to be in a relationship. And if you don’t, that’s okay, too. It’s kind of rare, but I do see some men who are perfectly happy just doing the bachelor thing. Not really looking for a relationship. If that’s you fine. But don’t drag a woman along making her think that you want to be in one when really you’re not giving 100% to it, you’re not making it a priority. Okay, I think I’ve driven that point home enough. I hope I have. So let’s move on to number two, not stepping up and leading in their relationship. So you hear this talked about a lot. You know, we’ve done a couple of episodes. Both Celine and I are on this show about polarity and ways to create polarity, increased polarity, and the effect that that will have on your relationship.

We did those long before a couple of years before polarity teachings were really becoming big in the mainstream. They did become and they have become very big in the mainstream, which I think is overall a good thing. I don’t agree with everything that all of these polarity coaches are teaching. I think a lot of it is good and I think some of it is misguided. But that’s a conversation for another day. But I bring that up because you will hear a lot of these polarity coaches saying things like men need to step up and lead in their relationship. And inevitably, you get the pushback from the women like, I don’t want a dictator. Right. So I want to be clear that I’m not talking about being a dictator in the relationship. But I am talking about stepping up and taking the lead. And what does that mean? Well, it can mean a lot of different things. The example that Celine and I have used, so so many times on this show in YouTube videos, working with clients is a very simple one. I’ll start with that. And then we can expand from there.

It goes something like this. You decide that you want to go out for dinner. There are two ways of approaching when she says, Hey, let’s go out to dinner. And you say, Well, where do you want to go? So what I see a lot of times today is men like, well, you know what, whatever you want, well, where do you want to go? But just tell me what you want to do. Now, on the surface, that seems like, well, okay, you’re giving her the opportunity to have input and to decide, you know, what it is that she wants to do? That’s, that’s fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But what you see a lot of times, the result is that she’ll go, wow, I don’t know. Yeah, I’m not really sure what I want, and well, you. How about you, you just pick something, and then you’re like, Well, I’m I don’t know, I don’t want to just pick something like, just just tell me what you want. And you get in this back and forth. It gets in this wishy washy space, and then nobody’s really happy, nothing really happens. And then you probably end up eating someplace that neither of you really liked. So when we talk about men stepping up and leading, the way to handle that situation is not to be the dictator and say, All right, that’s it. I have decided by proclamation that we are going here.

No, but what you can do is say, Well, hey, I have an idea. How about we go to your favorite restaurant, you know, the one around the corner that serves the thing that you love? And then she might say, oh, yeah, but I’m not really in the mood for that thing tonight. I know I love it. But it’s night, I’m just not in the mood for it. So then you, as the man, can say, okay, no problem. I have another idea. How about we check out this new restaurant, the one that opened up, you know, on such and such Street? Looks like it’s pretty good. I’ve heard good things about it. Why don’t we check that out? So you might then say, yeah, that’s kind of a good idea. But what if they don’t have the gluten-free thing, blah, blah, blah, whatever that I love, or, you know, but you, you take the lead by making suggestions and waiting for feedback, you have a plan, you’re not just floundering around, I don’t know, whatever you want, whatever you like, you know, when we’re talking about men leading, this is what we’re talking about.

And this is, again, a simple example. But what she wants is she wants to know that you have a plan. She wants to know that you have ideas. She doesn’t need you to force those ideas on her. But she wants you to at least have the ideas. If she’s really undecided, and you kind of back and forth like that. Okay, well, how about this idea? How about we do this? What if I were to do that, right? Eventually, she’ll get to the place where she’ll go, Yeah, that one? That one? I like that idea. Can we do that? Right? That is just one simple example of how you can lead. But there are many other ways that you can lead to, you know, in your relationship, often women feel like it’s they’re the ones that always have to bring up things like, you know, let’s talk about our future and where we want to go and what we want to do. And then they’re rolling their eyes, oh, really have to have this conversation.

But you can lead as a man by saying, Hey, how about we sit down and talk about, you know, where we want to be this coming year or in the next five years? Let’s sit down and map out our goals. You don’t have to dictate what the goals are. You just have to lead by stepping up and saying, let’s do this. I will make this happen. I will create the space for it. I will write it down in the doc I will print it up in on a frickin canvas and put it on the wall right so we can see it every single day and work towards those goals. Whatever it is, these are simple ways that you, as a man, can step up and lead in your relationship. And there are ways that you can do it without having to be a, you know, macho asshole, masculine dictator, you know, patriarchal, whenever, like, you can lead without being, you know, the authoritarian.

And if you don’t know how to do that, you need to get help from somebody who can show you how to do that. I just gave you a couple of examples. And there are many, many more. But one of the biggest problems that I see today is men are not doing this, they’re not stepping up and leading in their relationship. Why? Well, because a lot of them are absolutely afraid to. That’s what it comes down to. They are scared shitless to step up into this role because they don’t want to be called toxic masculine. The problem is, you are not doing your relationship any good by not stepping up and leading, you’re just not. And she knows it, she feels it. What you do then is create a vacuum, because there’s a lack of leadership, which she is no doubt going to step up and fill. Because that’s what women do. If they’re not getting the leadership in the direction that they want, they’ll step right in and fill that, that hole that gap. When they do, though, they’re going to end up in their masculine. And then they’re going to basically be competing with your masculine. And this is going to create conflicts in the relationship.

She’s not going to respect you, she’s not going to trust you because you don’t ever have an opinion. And you don’t ever step up and say this is what I think we should do. And then when finally one day, you do say that she’s gonna be like mad, no, she’s just not going to trust it, she’s not going to respect it. This is a big problem in relationships today. And I highly encourage you men to find healthy ways to step up and lead. All right, number three, not taking financial responsibility or being the provider Oh, this is a controversial one these days. In the old days, men were the providers, women basically stayed home and ran the house and took care of the family. Both of these were extremely important roles, both of which required a lot of work. They were difficult, however, and I cannot blame them. Women wanted the choice to be able to decide whether they wanted to stay home and fulfill that role. Or do I want to go out and make my own way in the world? And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think that was wonderful. And I think the original feminists, that’s what they really wanted, was to just have the choice.

Okay, great. But there is still a thing that is real, whether we want to admit it or not. And that is, no matter how much money a woman makes, she still wants her man to be the provider. Now, I already hear I already hear some of the men are going well, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You want to make all this money, but you still expect me to pay for everything. Look, there are just certain things that you as a man have to come to terms with in life, and this is one of them, you do need to be the provider doesn’t mean you have to pay for everything all the time. But you do need to step up and be a provider in your relationship and for your family. That can look like a lot of different things. It doesn’t always necessarily look like paying the most money. But sometimes it does. You know, I was when I was younger, I was 100% of the mindset that I wanted my relationships to be equal partnerships. And that’s the term that I will use a lot of the time. I’m like, I don’t need to be, you know, the only one working, the only one making all the money. She doesn’t need to be at home barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. You know, in fact, I would prefer that she had a career and you know, had a life of her own in that way. And there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with that. However, I find it doesn’t work as well as when I step up and say okay, I’m going to take a bigger share of the burden here. Because that’s my job.

It sometimes maybe seems unfair, and yet it’s what she is looking for. And it’s what she wants. I’ll give you the perfect example. I have a very good friend. She was a friend of Celine and mine for a very long time and still is a great friend. She makes a big six-figure salary. And she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She’s got more than enough money to do so. And she’s been dating somebody recently, who is not making a lot of money. And unfortunately, the dynamic kind of gets in this place of like, well, you’re the one that makes all the money, so you should pay for it. It’s actually harming the relationship. And it’s interesting because, you know, when you watch it, she’s like, she gets it, she’s like, Yeah, I have the money, I can pay for this. And yet, she has this yearning for him to at least occasionally step up and take care of some stuff. Even if it’s mostly symbolic, she has a need and desire for her man when they go out to dinner to say, I got this, right?

And that is really there underneath the surface of pretty much all women, including the ones that say that they don’t want that, don’t need that. When a man actually shows up in their life, and starts doing that, they love it, they love it. And trust me, they don’t say no to it, it is something that they absolutely want. So I see a lot of guys these days just floundering around, not knowing what they want to do, trying to find themselves, having their midlife crises, you know, quitting their job and just floundering and it’s like, this is absolutely an attractive to women, if you really want to have a relationship, and you really want women to be attracted to you, you just gotta get your shit together. Now, you know, not everybody can make a multiple six-figure salary, like sometimes that just doesn’t happen. And that’s okay. But you got to be out there doing something, you got to be out there with a purpose with some drive earning some money and contributing the best way that you can. Because if you don’t do that, as a man, she’s simply not going to respect you. It’s that’s just how it is.

You can say it’s unfair, all you want, life isn’t fair. That is the role that is, you know, being a masculine man, that is the dynamic. Now, you know, sometimes you can end up in reverse polarity relationships, where, you know, she wears the pants, and you know, he stays home and raises the kids and does all that it occasionally works. But it’s not, it’s not the norm, they’re more of the outlying cases. And if you really want your relationship to work, you’re going to have to step up. Now, you know, maybe you make, you know, a standard normal amount that most people make, and maybe she makes a lot more because, you know, she happens to, you know, be a CEO, or, you know, she happens to, you know, be celebrity or something like that. That’s fine. Nobody’s saying you got to outcompete her for money, but you at least got to have your own thing going, and you got to have enough money to be able to do things like take her out, take her on a weekend trip, do stuff like that, without constantly asking her to pay half of it. You just have to be able to do that.

And there just aren’t enough men stepping up and doing that these days.  I see it way, way too often. So that was number three, which is not taking financial responsibility or being the provider, you need to find healthy ways to step in that role. Regardless of how much each one of you makes, you have to figure it out. Alright, short break, and then I’m gonna have to move a little bit faster through these because I got 11 of these things, and we’ve only been through three, but some of them will definitely be faster. They don’t require nearly as much commentary.

All right, men, are you tired of falling short, both in the bedroom and in your relationship? Do you want your woman to respect you and crave your cock? Do you want to be the man she secretly brags about to all her friends? What if you could become this man? What if you could not only master your masculine sexuality but also be the dream man who shows up for his woman in all the ways she desires? What if you could become so irresistible that she becomes addicted to you? If you are ready to become that man? Then check out my Become the Man of Your and Her Dreams coaching program by going to Kevinandceline.com/go/manofherdreams. That’s Kevinandceline.com/go/manofherdreams now.

I want to distinguish this program a little bit from my read you their men’s coaching program. In the past, I have had different versions of my coaching program. And what I’ve been doing a lot is men’s sexual mastery. That is a fantastic program. And that is where we really mainly focus on becoming a sexual master, how to master your physical body, how to become a fantastic lover, how to show up as literally the best lover she’s ever had where she looks at you, like deer in headlights, like, Oh my God, what did you do to me? I love you. And that’s great. This program is slightly different in the sense that, yes, we work on that. But we also work on other things: how do you step up and become that man, not only the man that she loves and craves but also the man that you have always wanted to be?  It is not really the best example. But is it one that some men can relate to? Do you ever watch James Bond movies and think, man, I want to be that guy? He’s smooth, he’s suave, sophisticated, he kicks ass. He’s got women all over him, right?

If you have ever looked at a successful man who’s got it together and thought I want to be that guy, then this is a program for you. We focus on how to become the person that you want to be, that man that you want to be. And a big part of that is mastering your sexuality. So we bring those two pieces together. So there’s a bit more focus on really stepping up and becoming the man you want to be. And of course, bringing in the sexual mastery piece to it. So that’s that’s where this one is a little different. Sometimes I work with guys, I’m working with a client right now who is super successful, business wise, masculine man, athletic, you know, good looking as women throwing himself, he’s got all that he doesn’t need my help with that. But he’s struggling in the bedroom with his with his partner. So that’s where we’re helping him with straight-up men’s sexual mastery. But I’ve worked with a lot of men who can’t seem to figure out how to really step into, you know, who they could be. And they’re struggling in the bedroom. And so that’s what this program is for. So go check that out, Kevinandceline.com/go/manofherdreams. The link is in the description below.

All right, number four on the list, this one will be a relatively quick one. But it’s called not knowing how to fix things. And I don’t mean to fix things in your relationship. I mean, actually, fix stuff, like fix stuff around the house, build stuff. You know, I threw this one on the list simply because, you know, again, I have another friend who moved recently. And, you know, she’s single, but dating, she does have a man in her life. And I’m looking around, I go to see her her new place that she lived in, and I’m looking around, and I’m noticing all the little things that need a man’s touch. Now, believe me, there are a million things in a house that really need a woman’s touch, I see this when I go into men’s, you know, like bachelor men’s places I go around, I go, Yeah, it’s obvious that you live here. And there’s no woman in this space. There’s lots of stuff that neither woman says. But there are things that need a man’s touch, too.

I’m just looking around all the little things, you know, the little curtain rod that’s hanging down over here, and, and you know, the door that doesn’t close, right, and then the type, just all these little things, the ceiling fan that’s crooked and out of adjustment needs somebody to get on a 12-foot ladder, you know, to reach it and get it straightened down. And I’m thinking, wow, she really needs somebody to step up in her life and come in and do these things. And, you know, you know, when Selena and I were together, you know, as she was capable of doing a lot of those things, she was a very strong, independent woman, but she didn’t like doing them. She much preferred that I would do them, and she loved the fact that I knew how to do them and had the skills to do them. So this is one of those things that is incredibly sexy for women. You know, just knowing how to fix things. I’m not saying you got to be Bob Vila, you don’t got to know how to tear down an engine and put it back together. Although that is a great skill to have. But you gotta at least have some basic basic skills.

I got a couple of men friends, and you know, they are masculine in their own way. You know, they might be really good at sports, they might be, you know, badass in martial arts, and then it’s like, you know, change a tire, and you know, they’re like, how do I do that? And it’s just like, wow. Men these days have really lost the ability to fix things and build things. This is what we do as men we create, you know, women, their their role, really is to visualize, envision the possibilities of what could create and then we as men, we bring that into fruition. And then of course, the ladies take what we’ve created and make it beautiful. It’s an oversimplification, of course, doesn’t mean women can’t create and build things, it doesn’t mean men can’t make things beautiful. I understand that. I know that we’re all capable of everything.

But generally speaking, that’s usually the way it works best, or woman comes to us and says, I have an idea, I have this vision for creating this thing. And we as men go instantly, like, okay, okay, ideas are flowing, I know how to make this happen. That creates a wonderful, harmonious balance in your relationship. And I see too many men going, I don’t know how to do these things. So that’s something that I suggest that men learn how to do too, that was relatively minor, I don’t think I need to say a whole lot more about it, because there are more important things we need to get to. Which is number five, not committing to their women, this is something that I see a lot, and it’s going to be related to numbers six, and seven. So maybe I’ll just kind of talk about them all together right now. But I see too many men just wanting to sort of, you know, be in the flow and just not commit and just, I want to have my freedom. Okay, I understand wanting some freedom, for sure. I understand wanting to be in the flow to some extent.

But the problem with that is, it doesn’t make women feel safe in the relationship, they can’t feel you as their rock, they want a need to feel you as their rock, you need to be rock solid, they need to know that you can that they can count on you. And they need to feel that you are committed to the relationship, no matter what happens, you will be there, you will be there to you know, help them, comfort them, just be with them. Whatever it is that they need. And I see too many men just not doing that. They’re just not committing to their relationship and to their women. And then here’s this horrible negative cycle that I see repeating over and over again: the men aren’t committing. So, the women aren’t really showing up the way the man wants. And so then the man goes, well, see, I’m not going to commit to her because she doesn’t really show up for me the way I want. And I have to say to them, the reason she’s not showing up that way is because you’re not showing up that way. Right?

She doesn’t feel you as committed, she doesn’t feel you as her rock, therefore she holds back. Then, when she holds back, you go, Oh, that’s exactly why I’m not committing because she’s not XYZ, right? You have to commit to the relationship and really show up for her. And when you do that, you will absolutely see her shift. You will see her start showing up in ways that you’ve always wanted and wished she would do. But you have to do it first; you have to commit to it. Women generally are much better to committing much better at committing to relationships, although that’s getting harder and harder these days as well, with the younger generations. But in general, they’re better at that. So we don’t have to have this conversation with them nearly as often. But man, that is that is an issue. And so this leads me into number six, which is, Oh man, I’ve been seeing this so much lately, these dudes, and they say these words too. They’re just like, I just want to be in the flow, I just want to be in the flow, you know, life has been in the flow. Okay. And there is a polarity coach. That is, I see on social media all the time. He posted something the other day, saying that ladies flow away from men who always want to be in the flow. And that just totally made me laugh because I had had this conversation at least three times in the two weeks before I saw that.

And the reality is, again, women need you to be the rock, right? They need you to be solid. And they need you to be able to commit to things whether that thing is simply just a date night. They need you to commit to it; otherwise, they don’t feel safe, and they can’t trust you. And so this idea of kind of being in the flow and playing it by ear and I’ll let you know at the last minute kind of thing just does not work for them. It absolutely doesn’t and is a huge turnoff. Now I don’t want you to be confused about what I’m talking about here. When I say these guys want to be in the flow, I’m not talking about the flow state you hear talked about a lot these days.

You hear a lot of like, you know, biohackers and like high performance, you know, coaches talking about being in the flow state is something completely different flow state is that state you get in, when you know, let’s say you’re at work, and you know, it’s just coming easily to you. And you’re just making all the right choices and, and you just feel like time is just disappearing, you’re not even conscious of how long you’ve been working on this particular thing. Flow state is like, if you’re a musician, and you’re playing a song, and you’re just, you’re in the solo of it, and it’s just flowing effortlessly, you’re not thinking about the music theory behind it, or the scale or the pattern that you’re following. You’re, you’re just flowing, and it sounds great. And it’s working. That is an example of a flow state. In athletics, it’s when you’re having the game of your life, and you’re not having to be stuck in your mind, and you’re not forcing it to happen. It’s just flowing. Everybody, when they’re trying to achieve high performance, is trying to get into a flow state. That is great. That is amazing. But that’s not what I’m talking about when I’m saying these guys that want to be in the flow all the time.

These are basically guys who just don’t want to commit. It’s like, you know, I have a friend who wants in her relationship to have a regular check-in like a relationship checking on a regular schedule. And she has been asking for this for months now in the relationship, like, Hey, can we just like have a regular check in? Can we end and he just has been unable to commit thus far to saying, Okay, let’s, let’s get it on the calendar. And let’s stick with it. They had one on the calendar. And last minute, he was like, Oh, I’m gonna be out of town. Sorry, we’ll have to reschedule without ever even asking her first who set her off. So this idea of like, Oh, I just got to be in the flow all the time. And I just need to have my freedom. And I need to be able to do what I want when I want. That’s irresponsible. Honestly, I just gotta call it what it is.

If you’re going to be in a relationship, it’s not just all about you anymore. You’re in a relationship, you need to take your partner into account, you need to be able to make commitments, and you need to be able to stick with them. Period. I had a situation years ago where I had committed to helping run an event, but the event was out of town. Not too far out of town, but a little bit out of town is up in the mountains. I was co-facilitating the event. And we had been planning for months. And then it turns out, some very dear friends of mine ended up scheduling their wedding. And you know, usually, weddings get scheduled way ahead. So you’re like, how could you have screwed that up? Well, they didn’t schedule it way ahead of time, it the whole wedding came up rather quickly. And it happened to be on that same day. And I was really bummed really bummed about it. I really wanted to be at this wedding. These people were near and dear to me and still are. But I had made a commitment to this event.

Now. All the pre-work was done. Could I have stepped out of that event? And would it have run smoothly without me? Most likely yes. But that would not be keeping the commitment I made to the person that I was co-facilitating this event with you. It’s really important to make commitments, but also to stick with them. And I had to I had to make the difficult choice and tell my friends I so wish I could be at your wedding. But I made this commitment, and I need to stick with it. Situations like that have come up numerous times over the years. And, you know, the thing is, is let’s say your woman wants you to do something, but you’ve made a commitment outside. If you cave in all the time, she’s going to suddenly start to realize she can’t trust you and that when you make a commitment to her, she has no faith that you’re going to keep the commitment with her. Right. So keeping your word, which is number seven, is really important.

And this is something I talk about all the time, which is a lot of men do not realize the little things are also keeping your word. Honey, I need you to take out the trash. Yeah, I’ll take care of it. And then you don’t take care of it. You didn’t keep your word, minor thing, just the trash, no big deal, right? Maybe that one time, no big deal. But if you keep doing things like that, all those little things add up. Then they start to create massive resentment down the line, and she learns that she can’t trust you when you don’t keep your word. So one, you need to make commitments to, you need to keep those commitments. And that’s really, you know, I mean, that’s really the basics of it, right? I would guess I would add to that: don’t promise things that you know you can’t keep or that there’s a high likelihood that you’re not going to keep. So you know, if you know, you’re not going to be able to take the trash out because you booked too many things to do that day. Just tell her you’re not going to do like, don’t say, Yeah, I’ll do it.

Just say, you know, honey, I actually have kind of overcommitted for today. And I don’t think I’m going to be able to get to it. But then it would also be helpful if you came up with another plan, which is that, you know what, I’ll call the neighbor across the street and ask them if they could put the cans out front, or, you know what I checked the cans and they’re only half full, we’ll make it till next week. So you know what? Come up with another plan to have it taken care of. But the idea is, don’t commit to something that you know you’re probably not going to keep. Alright, so that was number seven: not keeping your word. Number eight, not learning how to be the protector. You got to step up, guys; you got to learn to be the protector. It’s a crazy world out there. It’s getting crazier and crazier. Every single day, crime rates are skyrocketing.

All over the country. Places that used to be safe to walk down the street often are not safe anymore. You need to be the protector is your role. I’m sorry, it may be that you don’t like combative sports or weapons or anything like that. That’s not your thing. You’re the dude; this is your job. It is your job to protect women and children. Why? Because, as men, we are, in general, bigger and stronger. And that’s our job. So you just have to learn to embrace it. It’s just something that you’re gonna have to learn. I’m not saying you have to be Chuck Norris. You don’t have to learn how to box like Mike Tyson or anything like that. But you got to know some basic skills. You are the family protector, and you need to step up and be that I personally love doing those things. And they’re things that I do in my pastime, just for fun, because I like them. But even if they weren’t, they are things that I would make it a point to at least learn some basics.

You know, learn some basic self-defense, learn some basic weapons use, whether that’s just, you know, learning how to use some pepper spray, or, you know, some other less than lethal device could be learning proficient use and firearms, which I do highly suggest. But it is your job as the man to be the protector. And I see way too many men not stepping up in that role. You got to do it. You got to do it. It’s just that that comes with the job of being born a man, whether you like it or not. All right, number nine, not learning how to communicate like a mature adult. This is something that has been an issue with men for a long time. When we talk about that sort of old-school macho asshole masculine man, he couldn’t communicate worth a damn. He just couldn’t do it and didn’t even try, though. More like a lot of grunts and silence. But this is another area that I see a lot of men struggling in. You know, I see a lot of women struggling in this also, by the way, but I definitely see a lot of men struggling in it, which is like, you know, something’s not going right in their relationship. And I’ll say, Okay, well, did you say that to her? Well, not exactly. I’m like, Okay, well, how did you say it? And then they tell me, I’m like, that’s completely unclear. That doesn’t even make sense. I don’t even really understand what it means, right?

Or the other thing is, they just didn’t say it at all. You know, it’s like, well, no, but it’s like, as an adult, you need to learn how to communicate in ways that people can hear you. We’ve done whole shows on communication. There are lots of techniques that you can learn, such as that some people are just better at it than others, while some people are better at everything than others, but it can absolutely be learned. So do whatever it takes to learn how to communicate like a mature adult or you can have mature conversations about difficult things. Without getting triggered, without going into old patterns, where people can actually hear what you’re saying. You cannot have a say successful relationship without strong communication skills, you just can’t.

This is something I work on with men and women. When it comes to women on this subject, they tend to do the same thing. Well, no, I didn’t say that he just just No. It was like, No, he should not just No, he’s not a mind reader, he needs you to actually tell him. So, communication is a huge one, I see too many people that just have not taken the time to learn good communication skills. This is one of the things that I often work on with every client I work on whether they’re a man or woman. We need to really dive into how do you clearly, consciously, and compassionately communicate the important things that you need to communicate in your relationship. Trust me, I didn’t grow up knowing how to do this stuff, I was not a good communicator, when I was younger, I had to learn it all. And the strategies that you employ will have a lot to do with the communication styles of your partners. So, if your partner communicates in a certain style, and you communicate in a different style, then you’re both going to have to learn techniques to work with the other person’s style.

This literally this could be an entire show, I have done Céline And I did an entire show on this, I don’t remember when it’s titled it’s quite a ways back, maybe it’s time to revisit this and really dive deep into communication styles and skills. I might do that in a future episode. But just know that guys, the old way of doing things of you know, the sort of not communicating or the half communicating or, you know, communicating masculine style in a way that she’s just never going to hear like that stuff just doesn’t cut it anymore. You’ve got to learn to be a master communicator. And honestly, that’ll benefit the rest of your life as well. If you can master communication, you will see that your business relationships will get better, you will see that your friendships get better, and everything will get better if you can learn how to communicate effectively and in a mature way. And that’s just an area I see too many guys falling short these days.

All right, number 10. Not mastering their sexuality. I left this as last on the list. Not because it’s the least important. But because I don’t want to get accused of making this show all about promoting my programs. But it is extremely important that men you master your sexuality. This whole like, you know, I’m lasting three to seven minutes, and it’s all about me ejaculating. And, you know, you gave me an erection. So now you have to finish me and blah, blah, blah, that stuff doesn’t fly in relationships, any more women will not tolerate it, they will go find somebody else who can actually show up as a real man and satisfy them. You know, and, and perform this, that’s just how it is. I have seen this multiple times when coaching couples, they will come to me and they will say you know, we have such a loving relationship and everything else is working. But he can’t last in the bedroom. I’m not satisfied, right or even he you know, he’ll come in and to say, you know, everything is really great. And like we have a deep love for each other.

And, you know, we really get along well, but uh, just, you know, I really can’t satisfy her in the bedroom, and it’s becoming a problem. And it’s starting to seep outside the bedroom into other aspects of the relationship. So, guys, you got to step it up here. There are a lot of things that we do in life that we take for granted just because we’ve always done them. Breathing is one of them. Everybody knows how to breathe. We wouldn’t be here on this planet still alive if we didn’t know how to breathe. Yeah, but most people actually breathing correctly. This is why there have been, you know, so many successful books and teachers out there teaching breathing stuff, and people like breathing. It’s the simplest thing ever. Well, not really. Most people have gotten into breathing patterns that are not serving them. That’s a whole other conversation. But it’s an example, right? You don’t just sit somewhere in a public place and watch people walk; I find this fascinating. You watch people’s posture and the way they walk and it’s like, well, it’s real obvious to see why you’ve got back problems or why you got hip problems, and like look at the way you carry yourself like it’s the simplest thing we all know how to walk. We all learned it when we were two, And yet a lot of people don’t do it right. And the list goes on and on and on and on and on. Communicate, right? We all know how to speak of whatever language we were born with. But do we really know how to communicate?

No, most of us don’t unless we really take the time to learn it. The same thing is true with your sexuality. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t think that you just know how to do it. Because you were born with a penis, right? I know how to use it because I was born with it. Well, you probably don’t. I mean, the stats don’t lie. When you look at women’s satisfaction, you know how long men last in the bedroom, all that kind of stuff. There is no excuse for not mastering your sexuality. And I know, you know, some of the men out there, they’re like, Well, you know, whatever, I you know, I have my ejaculation, I feel satisfied. Yeah, remember, you’re in a relationship it takes to, right, it’s not just all about you, it’s not just all about your satisfaction. So, you know, there’s no excuse for not stepping up, and learning how to be a sexual master. So I highly, highly, highly suggest that you take the time to learn that and really, really learn it to become a sexual master. I mean, just, it’s one of the most fun things you could do anyway, right? So why not take the time to learn, obviously, you know about my products, both my power mastery series and my coaching, if you need help with it, go check it out.

But just do whatever, like, get some books, you know, like, just, there are other people teaching it too. If you resonate more with them than then work with them, whatever it is, just know, there’s no excuse for not being a master at that. Okay, number 11. Last one on the list. If I could sum all of the things up that I have talked about thus far, I would sum it up by saying that, in essence, I see far too many men stuck in what I would call perpetual teenagehood. I have even had a man or to say something along those lines, like, like, I don’t want to grow up. Or I had one say, you know, they finally got a new place to live that wasn’t like as this tiny little box apartment, you know. And they’re like, I finally have, you know, a nice place that has this, that and everything, I guess I’m an adult, now an adult, you’re 52 years old. For whatever reason, and we could talk about what those reasons are.

There definitely are some societal reasons for it. But I see a lot of people wanting to kind of stay in perpetual teenager, they don’t want to step up and deal with the difficulties of life. You know, in my grandparent’s generation, they were basically adults at, like, 16 1718. You know, my grandfather, when he was 17 years old, lied about his age so he could join the military and get shipped overseas in the war. 17 years old. By the time the war was over and he was back in the States, he was married and having children. He wasn’t even 20 yet, right? That’s how that generation did stuff. It’s like, you know, a lot of them didn’t even really finish school, they just when they were old enough to work, they just went out started earning money and starting families and doing what they needed to do.

And I’m not saying you necessarily need to do that. We have some advantages. In the modern day, we can get more education, and many of us have the opportunity to take extra years and develop ourselves and develop, you know, better skills. So we don’t have to start out at the bottom. There’s nothing wrong with that. But this idea that you’re just going to kind of stay in this perpetual teenagehood and not take responsibility and just go with the flow and, you know, wing it and not invest in your career and not invest in your relationship. That just doesn’t work. It just doesn’t work. I don’t know if it’s a fear of stepping in to, you know, being a man, but whatever it is, you need to work through it. And you need to get on track, and you need to step up, and you need to, you know, show up as a man. You know, I see, I was saying this having this conversation the other day, I was like, it’s so easy as a third party when a coach when you’re a coach, to see the areas where people go awry, and the reasons why they’re not successful.

And it’s like, wow, if you just, you know, sat down and did what you needed to do. You could be successful. And it’s not easy. It’s hard. It is hard. No, it may sometimes look slightly glamorous, do you have a podcast and a YouTube channel and all that kind of stuff. But the reality is the overwhelming majority of my day is not spent sitting in front of this camera. It’s spent sitting in front of a computer screen, doing all the hard work it takes to write and produce and promote and do the business stuff, and accounting and manage people and like, all that stuff. Those aren’t necessarily the things I want to be doing. But they’re the things that have to get done in order to run a business. And I just see too many people really not doing that. You know, there’s a commentator that I listen to fairly regularly who was speaking about this, not too long ago, about how people just don’t want to do what they have to do. It was quite funny the way he said, he’s like, You need to get your ass in the chair and do your work. As in chair, some of you may know who I’m speaking to, because you’ve probably heard him do that rant before. But, he’s right, like life is full of a lot of things that we don’t really want to have to do. But we have to do them anyway. Because that’s part of life. That’s called being an adult.

And I’m not here to you know, treat you like a child. That’s not the point of this. But you know, when I actually hear men say stuff, like, well, I guess I have to grow up, like, I’m like, Oh, wow. Okay. Some of them really are refusing to grow up. And you know, you’re never going to have a truly successful relationship, you’re never going to have that amazing woman that you say you want to show up in your life if you are not stepping up as a solid man. And so I always have to tell these people, it’s like, you need to work on you. Once you get where you need to be, she will show up. And that’s the absolute truth. Once you show up, as you know, a really solid man who makes his relationship a priority, who steps up and leads in a conscious, kind, and compassionate way, who takes financial responsibility, who knows how to fix things, and who is not afraid to commit? Who makes commitments and sticks with them, who keeps His word? Who is the protector who knows how to fix things, who can communicate like a mature adult who has mastered their own physical body and sexuality? When you are that man, and you can do all those things, high-quality women will show up in your life because they will be irresistibly attracted to you.

Because you are all of those things. Who all right. So there you go, man, that was the little pep talk that we needed to have. And you know, if you are already that man, and you listen to my stuff, and you’re like, well, this isn’t me, I apologize for it coming across maybe sounding a little bit like a lecture. But this is literally coming from a handful of conversations that I’ve had just in the last couple of months alone, not to mention what I’ve witnessed in the last few years working as a coach, and I just was like, today, we just need to have this conversation. We need to get it all out there on the table. And yeah, we need to do our best to move forward from there. I will tell you this. I am always working on these things myself. I am not perfect, either. You know, I have to sometimes consciously focus on doing some of these things. But I’m working on it every day to be my best version. I can be and you shouldn’t be doing the same. All right, that’s what I have for you for this episode. I hope you got some value from it. You know, again, I apologize if it sounded like it was, you know, maybe scolding a little bit. That wasn’t the goal. I just really needed you to know this is what women are looking for and what they want. I hope you now feel motivated to get up and start becoming the man that you have always wanted to be and the man that you want to be. And I will see you in the next episode.

I hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion vault at KevinandCéline.com/vault. That’s KevinandCéline.com/vault. Thanks for listening and remember as Céline used to say you’re amazing!