Sex Talk With Your Partner

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, woman, single, or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 138. And it is titled sex talk with your partner. So we’ve covered this a little bit in different episodes that we’ve done, but I don’t think we’ve ever done an entire show on really how to have conversations with somebody about sex. And it seems simple, but it’s really not. And we hear this from clients over and over again.

Kevin Anthony 0:57
In fact, there’s a quote we put in here from one of our clients, which was the most common challenge our client’s experience is how to go from breakfast to Angel without being weird. So this is a real challenge that people have. And it’s not even just about, you know, how do I bring up the topic of anal or threesomes or anything like that.

Kevin Anthony 1:18
But there’s a list and we’ll get into it of different things that are difficult for people to talk about. We will talk about how you should go about having those conversations. And then at the end, we’re going to give you something that comes from our power mastery course, which is a difficult conversation formula.

Kevin Anthony 1:37
So it’s you know, there’s, there’s sex talk as far as like, oh, let’s talk about you know, what we want to do or what I like, and then there’s really difficult sex talk. And so, the difficult conversations for me are going to help you with those really challenging conversations.

Céline Remy 1:54
And just so you know, if you want to have an exceptional sex life, you need to be able to talk about sex. And that’s why we have this episode to help you because it is one of the biggest struggles that people are facing. But before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery.

Céline Remy 2:13
So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power in mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual training for men. And if you want to have you know, harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 2:35
All right. So, you know, when this topic comes up, that you got people into camps, you got like, Oh, my God, it’s so hard. I can’t talk about that. And then you got other people like, what’s the big fucking deal? Like, whatever, you know, just talk about it. I would say, though, that probably the majority of people fall into the first category, which is this is really difficult.

Kevin Anthony 2:58
So there’s a lot of different things that you might want to talk about in regards to sex, that can be difficult, and we just want to talk about some of those because, you know, some people may be listening and going, No, what do you mean, it’s difficult to talk about.

Kevin Anthony 3:12
So we’re gonna give you a list of some things that can be challenging that you may or may not have been aware of, while talking about sex issue is probably the number one, especially if you are not, your body’s not cooperating the way you are if you are not satisfied. I mean, there’s a long thing are things in there. But that’s a big one, right? Sex issues, right?

Kevin Anthony 3:34
So for men really hard to talk about not being able to get an erection, really hard to talk about, maybe they don’t last as long as they really should. And he’s pretty sure that she’s not really satisfied, but he doesn’t want to bring the subject up, because then he has to admit his own part in that. And then he doesn’t know what to do about it. How about a woman with no sex drive, or painful intercourse, or not lubricating properly?

Kevin Anthony 4:04
These are all very common things that clients talk about, that they have difficulty with, you know, when it comes to the sex issues, so many people think that well, you know, like, it’s just me like, I’m the only one who has that. I don’t want to admit that because somehow broken or they’re not gonna love me anymore. But you really have to realize what sex issues like everybody has the stuff of one sort or another.

Kevin Anthony 4:33
And so you’re not alone. You’re most likely not unique in that way. You’re unique in other ways. Right? And so the reality is, is that tons of people have these things and the best thing you can do is talk about them.

Céline Remy 4:48
And maybe it could be things more simple like body image issues, places you don’t like about your body, you haven’t accepted yourself, you’re not loving and you having a hard time having your partner in touch those places. Do body hair. I mean, there are so many different things here.

Céline Remy 5:04
So it doesn’t have to be a really big issue. But it could be something that’s big to you and for you. Absolutely. A second point that people struggle to talk about is the frequency of sex. And you know, this is something you really should talk about before you fully commit to each other.

Céline Remy 5:20
Because if that’s something you talk about 10 years in, and you realize you have such different sex drives and libido, you’re kind of in a, in a place that’s not so comfortable, you’re 10

Kevin Anthony 5:33
years in and you haven’t had this conversation, I can guarantee you there’s resentment there. years layers of built-up resentment, like when it comes to frequency of sex, this is probably one of the number one issues that couples face where one couple wants more sex than the other.

Kevin Anthony 5:49
I can’t even tell you how many times we hear this from people, whether it’s, it’s people who listen to the podcast who write in or comment on YouTube, or it’s emails that we get on our contact form, or it’s clients that we work with, we hear this constant, I probably should have put it first on the list. So you need to be able to talk about that. And, you know, Selena and I do you know, like, yeah, we are sex coaches, and you know, we do the podcast on that.

Kevin Anthony 6:19
But we’re, we’re humans, right. It takes a lot to run a business on your own. And it takes a lot to just get through life and things happen. There are times when we don’t have as much sex as we would like to. But the beautiful thing about our relationship is, is when that happens, either one of us can call it out and say, Hey, you know, we really haven’t been having much sex. And I would love for us to start connecting like that again more frequently.

Céline Remy 6:48
And if you’re interested in our sex life, go check out our episode, our sex life expose where we talk a lot about everything we do. The other one is talking about fantasies, ooh, sometimes it’s a big one. Because you might think, again, that you’re not going to be accepted. Or maybe you have something unusual.

Céline Remy 7:07
Maybe you’re not a smoker, but one of you fantasy is to be able to smoke in bed after lovemaking. There are so many different things. And maybe there are different tours and things that you use that are less common, and you’re thinking it’s a no, that’s what I needed to get off. They’re gonna think that I’m really weird.

Kevin Anthony 7:27
Yeah. And actually, you skipped over one on this, which was talking about desires, and I kind of wanted to just mention desires first before I went into the fantasy realm, because they’re not necessarily the same thing. And that’s, that’s the point that I wanted to make an A.

Kevin Anthony 7:43
So with desires is like, what is it that you really want in bed, and I distinguish that from fantasies because fantasies can be things that you want to fantasize about in your lovemaking that you don’t necessarily want to come true. Or they could be things that are just way outside of what you normally do, but that you might want to experience once or twice, whereas with the desires, really like what do you desire from your lovemaking?

Kevin Anthony 8:11
Is it a certain amount of time, it is a certain, you know, type of lovemaking, maybe what you really desire, slow sex, or maybe what you really desire fast, hard pounding sex, maybe it’s group sex, maybe it could be all kinds of different things. But the idea is, you have to be able to talk with your partner about what you really want in the bedroom. And, you know, look, you may not want to do this, because it’s edgy, or it’s weird, are you think they’re not going to approve or maybe they’ll look at you differently or whatever.

Kevin Anthony 8:40
If you stay in a relationship long term, and you do not have this conversation, right in the beginning, you are going to end up with a lot of resentment. Even if you think it’s okay like there’s something that you want that you like, and you’re thinking, well, they’re just not going to be into it, they’re not going to like it, I don’t want to have that conversation. They’re gonna think I’m weird. I can do without that our sex life is good enough. You know, I’m still happy. It’s okay. I don’t really need it, eventually, that’s going to come back in a bad way.

Céline Remy 9:16
And you know, I think too, that desires can be put together with needs. That’s really how I differentiated because your desires and our kind of like needs are things that you must have in order to be fulfilled, or fantasies could be nice to have, but they’re not necessary, they’re not on the same level as your desires just to give a clarification about that. A few other things that can be tricky to talk about are about other partners. So if you have fantasies of free some groups, some things or warranties,

Kevin Anthony 9:52
or G sex clubs, threesomes, foursomes, moresomes.

Céline Remy 9:55
whatever, you know, I mean, it’s human. It’s very human or using sex toys are different props and tools in the bedroom. And so that can be falling into the category of kinky again of like, Oh my gosh, I don’t know if I’m going to be accepted. And so those are all different topics that can be difficult for Sam to talk about.

Kevin Anthony 10:19
Yeah, and, you know, obviously, other partners and sex toys could potentially fall under fantasies and or desires. But the reason why I kind of put them separately on the list is because they are so common as far as coming up in, you know, our clients and people that reach out to us, which is like, the really big issues.

Kevin Anthony 10:40
So many guys are like, how can I get my partner to have a threesome? I mean, it’s just coming up over and over again. So we just wanted to mention that one. And the sex toys too. You know, there’s, there’s a lot of people who still feel weird about the use of sex toys.

Céline Remy 11:00
You shouldn’t?

Kevin Anthony 11:01
No, no, you shouldn’t, of course, and we did a whole episode on sex toys as well. But we’ll kind of just wanted to tack those on the end there because they are just so frequently as far as how often they come up.

Céline Remy 11:12
So let’s talk about things that you can do to make conversations easier because again, you’re like, how do I go from breakfast to anal? Right?

Kevin Anthony 11:20
How do I go for me know the threesomes?

Céline Remy 11:24
Number one, it’s always an inner job. So you have to be able to start to be comfortable with the topics with the words themselves. And you know, for some people, even saying the word sex or pussy or anything else is like, Oh my gosh, they blushing they’re very uncomfortable, or just saying, what’s due to touch me? there? You know, like, whatever that

Kevin Anthony 11:47
is? Where exactly is there?

Céline Remy 11:49
Exactly. So one other thing is to try to talk in front of a mirror while looking into your own eyes. It might sound weird, but this is a good rehearsal, good practice. Because you’re going to start to create a connection with yourself looking into your own eyes, it’s a vulnerable activity. But then you have to say this over and over. Basically, you need to come to a point where whenever you’re using the word dishwasher or sex, there’s the same emotional charge.

Kevin Anthony 12:18
Absolutely. And here’s the thing is, you’re not going to have an easy conversation with another individual. If you can’t even say the damn words yourself.

Céline Remy 12:27
Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 12:28
If you’re struggling to even say the words, it’s not going to be an easy conversation. So you know, at least if you can have a conversation with yourself easily, then there’s hope that the conversation with somebody else will be easy, but you gotta be able to say that, you know, one of the things that people really love about our podcast and our YouTube videos, or even just hanging out with us, because they say this over and over and over again.

Kevin Anthony 12:54
They say, Wow, you guys make it so easy to just talk about this stuff. Like you guys just say anything. So they’re blown away sometimes at the things that we share about ourselves and our own sex life and the way we talk about it as if we were talking about what we had for lunch.

Céline Remy 13:10
Absolutely, that’s where you want to get to. That’s right. Number two, you want to set aside dedicated time to talk without any distractions. The thing is, it’s not really great to talk about it in the middle of sex or right after sex or anything like that.

Céline Remy 13:29
It’s much better to schedule a time so you both can show up in a good mood and then to touch, like sit down on the couch, snuggle touch each other, create that connection, but also create a container. And so neither one of you is on their phone or has to deal with distractions so that you can give the subject your full attention.

Kevin Anthony 13:53
Yeah, you know, there’s, there’s a couple of things here. The first one is you don’t want to blindside your partner, right. So every guy knows this because we’ve all had it. I’ve had this done to me hundreds of times, I’m sure we need to talk. Yeah, but it’s not we need to talk at you know, after dinner when we sit down on the couch, and we really don’t have anything else to do.

Kevin Anthony 14:14
But maybe we’re gonna read a book or something. And it’s like, we need to talk. It’s like, Okay, this could be an okay, time. No, no, this is when we need to talk almost always happens in relationships other than ours. We’re about we just got in the car and we are on the way to a friend’s party, we need to talk. Or if we’re exhausted, it’s been a super long day, we climb into bed, the light switches off and she goes, we need to talk.

Kevin Anthony 14:45
Or we’re naked, we get into bed we’re about to have sex, and that we need to talk and I could go on and on this happens. So so often, you cannot do that. Don’t blind Some blind side, somebody like that at an awkward moment, that is not a good time. So that’s the first thing. The second thing is, you need to set aside distraction-free time, which is exactly what you were saying.

Kevin Anthony 15:13
So the thing is, you need to give it 100% of your focus if you are distracted, or you’re looking at your phone, or you get the kids interrupting you every five minutes, you cannot have a good conversation that way, anybody who’s ever had kids, you know that from the moment you have kids, you will not have an uninterrupted conversation ever again, as long as the kids are anywhere in the house on the property, you will not have an uninterrupted conversation, you need to have an uninterrupted conversation.

Céline Remy 15:46
Number three, you want to be in a calming environment, you know, the setting is important. And like I was mentioning earlier, this snuggling up on the couch. So being comfortable, because that adds to the experience. And that that makes it that sets the mood. Right? Well,

Kevin Anthony 16:02
so and the thing here with this is, you need an environment that where you at least start out with your nervous system relaxed, right? Because if you’re already amped up and like stressed, and like I like what am I gonna do, that’s gonna come out in the conversation, it’s only going to make it more difficult, right? So you at least one in an environment where you start relaxed, hopefully, you’ll stay relaxed. But if you don’t, you at least want to start relaxing.

Céline Remy 16:28
Remember that you want to help your partner to feel that this is a safe space to be open and honest. So having a foundation in your relationship where it’s okay to speak your mind to share what you need to share that you’re not going to be judged, you’re not going to be punished is very important.

Céline Remy 16:44
And this is something that you build over time. It’s something that you demonstrate over and over through your actions and your behaviors. And it starts from the beginning that you’ve decided that the team you work together, you’re not working against each other and that you’re here to help each other grow and, and expand really, and you can do that in a way that’s pleasurable,

Kevin Anthony 17:09
then nobody’s going to talk and tell you difficult things if they don’t feel comfortable, right? And it goes both ways, right? Because when, when you say that people think, Oh, I got to make her feel comfortable, right? But it goes both ways. Because a guy is not going to say, or start a conversation and say, you know, I really want to bring other people into the relationship, if he thinks you’re going to chop his fucking head off for doing so. Right?

Kevin Anthony 17:34
Like, that’s just not gonna happen. And same with her, you know, she’s, she’s not going to open up and say, I’m not satisfied, because I’m not orgasming through our sacks. You know, if she thinks that you’re immediately going to go, well, it’s all your fault, because you don’t do this.

Kevin Anthony 17:50
And you don’t do that. And you never wear this and blah, blah, blah, right? Like, if it’s not a safe space, to be able to say the things that are difficult. Nobody’s going to say them. And this conversation is going to be a waste of time.

Céline Remy 18:05
Absolutely. So another thing is to remember to start the conversation with gratitude. And actually, we have some don’ts that we’ll come back to. So we’ll leave it at that for now. And we’ll come back in a few minutes.

Kevin Anthony 18:17
Yeah. Do you want to explain a little bit more about gratitude? Because I think the listeners need a little bit better explanation than just start with gratitude.

Céline Remy 18:25
Share, what do you want to add? Kevin?

Kevin Anthony 18:27
Well, so what I want to say is, when you start a conversation with gratitude, so this is a conversation about sex, right? So the gratitude that you can start with is, Hey, you know, I just wanted to share that I’m super grateful that you know, we’ve been married for 15 years, and we still have sex because I, I’ve read so many articles about couples that stopped having sex long ago, and I’m just really grateful that we’re still connecting and,

Kevin Anthony 18:51
And you know, because of that, I want to make sure that we’re connecting in a way that really serves us both, right? So just start with something that’s good and positive that you’re grateful for, whether it’s that you’re still having sex, or you’re still healthy enough to have sex, or you can even start with gratitude that simply says, Hey, I’m so grateful that we both took the time to sit down and really have this conversation. It could be that simple.

Céline Remy 19:18
Absolutely. Or just remember the love. Basically, that’s what you want to focus on. Number six, I want to talk about the things that are going right first, so you make a habit of paying each other compliments and talking about your attraction. You don’t just go straight into the things that don’t work and we already going to the dance here. I wonder if we should jump to the dancer. Yeah. Here are the don’ts about what not to do. Okay, number one, don’t talk about the negative first. And number two, don’t beat bit beat.

Kevin Anthony 19:52
That’s the French version. Don’t beat.

Céline Remy 19:56
Don’t complain or avoid it. I’m sure you can recognize yourself or your partner in some of these behaviors, but it’s a whiny person, somebody who complains a bit. You know, it is this, you don’t do that, or I’m not getting enough for you. This is not what I need. This is not lovable. Like, this is not something that opens up the heart and makes you want to do something for your partner.

Kevin Anthony 20:19
Yeah. So when we say let’s go back to you know, talk about things that are going right first, right, so let’s say maybe, maybe the conversation that you’re trying to have this difficult is you want more foreplay, right? Is this a common one? So rather than saying, Well, you know, you just never give me enough for play. Or you know, that. There’s plenty of examples, I’m sure you’ve all heard them before. Instead, talk about what’s going right.

Kevin Anthony 20:44
First, you can say, you know, when you penetrate me, I just get like, so turned on or so wet, or I just love the way your penis feels, once you start to insert or, you know, that kind of thing, and then go in there and say, but you know, we’ll make it even better is if we did some foreplay first, that got me even more turned on. so that by the time you do penetrate me that sensation, which is already amazing, just is off the charts at that point.

Céline Remy 21:15
And this is such an important reframe, because like Kevin said, you can go like, you don’t give this to me, I don’t have that, too. This is what I love. And I love it when you do this and that and you’re very specific,

Kevin Anthony 21:28
this would make it even better.

Céline Remy 21:30
Absolutely. You know, if, if you are talking to you, a guy to you, man, men like clear, concise, direct. And this is exactly how they like it. They want to hear that they’re doing a good job, and they want to hear what they can do to make it even better. So you are actually doing him a service in doing it this way.

Kevin Anthony 21:50
Okay, so we’ve got 10 things on our list here, and we just covered number six. Why don’t we get to our sponsor next, since we’re getting a little long in the episode and then we’ll come back and finish up that list and then give you the difficult conversation formula?

Céline Remy 22:04
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Céline Remy 22:22
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Céline Remy 22:45
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Kevin Anthony 23:06
Yeah, remember buying products from our sponsors is how you can support the work that we do. And if you’re not sure whether or not you need it in a narrow scope, listen to our previous episode 137, which is what you need to know about prostate and prostate massage.

Céline Remy 23:22
So our step number seven here is to avoid blaming and you want to take responsibility for your part. Because whatever he does, there are probably things you are doing that are not supporting you. It’s not all your partner. And never it never is. And I know it’s hard to listen to hear that you don’t want to hear that you want to say It’s all his fault or her fault. But ultimately, it is a shared responsibility.

Kevin Anthony 23:47
Yeah. And so you know, I wrote avoid blaming, which we already have in the don’ts, right? But it’s then it’s slash, take responsibility. Right. So I guess I could have left the avoid blaming out since we put it in the dots and simply put take responsibility, but you have to realize is that every relationship, every sexual encounter, unless you’re by yourself masturbating, has more than one person in it, right?

Kevin Anthony 24:15
And it takes to like they always say it takes two to tango, it takes both of those people coming together in the right way for it to really work properly. And so you really have to take responsibility, you have to sit down and be really honest with yourself and go, where is what I’m doing, you know, how is that contributing to this?

Kevin Anthony 24:34
So for instance, let’s say the man is complaining that he doesn’t get enough sex, right? We don’t have sex frequently enough. Well, a lot of times he’s gonna say, well, it’s all her fault. Because I want to have sex. I’m the one asking for sex, but she’s kind of like, I’m not, I’m not in the mood. I got a headache. I’m tired. Whatever it is. Well, as a guy, you got to look at that and You got to go. Okay. Potentially there’s stuff going on then. But you got to ask yourself some questions.

Kevin Anthony 25:05
Is she totally overworked and stressed out? Because she’s working and taking care of the kids and she’s got nothing left in the tank, then how can you potentially help her workload so that she’s not so exhausted? Or how about, you know, maybe she’s not really interested in the sex because she’s not getting the kind of sex that she really wants? And you’re gonna have to be honest with yourself, are you really giving her the kind of sex that makes her go? Fuck yeah, I want more of that.

Céline Remy 25:32
Are you doing some good romance to help her get in the mood, like connecting with her heart first because, without that, she would open her legs? We’re gonna give you free tips here, too, that is really important. And I think especially for the men, but also for the women by By the way, but number one is to listen to understand not to respond. So it’s very essential to be willing to just listen to understand each other, okay, you don’t have to respond.

Céline Remy 26:02
The second one is that you don’t feel that you have to solve the problem right away. And this is why I said like, this is more for the guys because as men, they love to fix things. If we bring something up, they’re like, okay, let’s make something let’s make a change. Sometimes we just want to be heard, we don’t need yet to have anything to be fixed.

Céline Remy 26:22
And then our last thing here is to remember to reinforce the positive, which means praising each other after the talk for having done a great job, or the next day. And so if you can remember these really important steps in your communication, it will transform how you can talk.

Kevin Anthony 26:43
Yeah, and I know you blew through those last three pretty quickly there. I think we’ve got plenty of time to still get into the difficult compensation formula. But I really wanted to reinforce that listen, to understand not to respond peace, because most people when having a difficult conversation, it’s like they’re in a debate, right?

Kevin Anthony 27:02
And when you’re in a debate, you’re taking notes, you’re writing things down as the other person talks, so you know what to attack when it’s your turn, right? That is absolutely not what you want to do here. You want to listen so that you can understand where the other person is coming from.

Kevin Anthony 27:18
And then you can respond appropriately. It’s not about who Oh, yeah, I got that little pack, that little fact, that little piece, I’m gonna take that and I’m gonna sling it back, like, I’m gonna fire it right back. That’s not what it’s about. It’s about listening and going, Oh, now I get it. Now, it makes sense, I totally understand why he/she wanted this or didn’t want that, or did this or didn’t do that.

Céline Remy 27:48
So we’re gonna move on to the difficult conversation here. And this is telling me I’m too winded today. This is inspired by Reid Mihalko. And some of the teachings from compassionate communication and nonviolent communication, which is all about those difficult conversations. The one thing to remember is that you have to do your inner work.

Céline Remy 28:13
And this is a practice that happens over time. So you may not perfect it right away. But some of the steps that we have will help you get some clarity because without having clarity, it’s difficult to bring this up to the other person. So the first step is always to tune in, you know, what are you feeling I know, for men, it could be more challenging to be like, I don’t really want to even spend time there, but my feelings, but these are important to have an emotional landscape of what’s truly going on.

Céline Remy 28:42
The other thing too is, if you don’t feel enough pain, you’re not going to be willing to make changes. And when you start to really look at your feelings and how shitty things are, then that’s painful. And that’s a good motivator. So spend a little bit of time in like, Okay, how am I feeling about this, this situation? Now, the second step is about stepping into your vulnerability and being real about what am I most afraid to tell my partner?

Céline Remy 29:13
Because let’s take a very we’ll take an example for ease here of a man who has a has premature ejaculation. Okay, so maybe some of the feelings he’s really he’s ashamed. He’s embarrassed. He’s very disappointed. Maybe. Maybe there’s even some sadness, you know, I just, you know, poking around here. But what is the most afraid to tell his partner like to really admit that he comes too soon and he’s not doing his best, is really scary.

Céline Remy 29:54
Maybe to admit that he’s failing in bed and that she might live him Or she might cheat on him because he’s not doing a good job. I mean, like, this is the place to get very vulnerable in terms of like, wow, like, yeah, this is like the things that kind of kept me awake at night. And if you are somebody who ejaculates too early, you know, like how many hours of the day or at night, you go to bed thinking about it, you wake up thinking about it, it’s always on your mind.

Céline Remy 30:24
And so it’s important to start to come down the monkey mind and start to talk about that. Our first step is how you really want to show up in the bedroom. So now that we got in touch with the pain, let’s get in touch with what you truly want. Because that’s important, too, to have some clarity. We’ll call them goals, even though they’re not really goals, but like, What do you want?

Céline Remy 30:51
How do you want to show up, you know, so I want to be able to make love to my partner, for as long as it takes for her to have an orgasm to feel satisfied, I want to be able to control to have control over my body and not be controlled by it, like all of these types of scenarios. And then last but not least in that step here is what you need from your partner.

Céline Remy 31:15
Because walk like we talked about earlier, it takes two to tango. And that’s his, you know, again, as the premature ejaculation problem, you might need for her to slow down, you might need for her to be willing to have some moments of stillness when you say stop for things to just stop, not pull on, you know, go for the orgasm, and be willing to like, breathe, chill out.

Kevin Anthony 31:42
Yeah. So you know, if you can do these things prior to having the conversation, the quote-unquote, “difficult conversation” will be much easier. One of the problems that people have before they have these difficult conversations is they haven’t really thought it out very well. They haven’t gotten in touch with their feelings.

Kevin Anthony 31:59
And so they’re literally processing as they’re talking, which means things are unclear things are sometimes said that shouldn’t have been said, or you didn’t really mean to say, and it can just be a mess.

Kevin Anthony 32:14
So the more you can do this ahead of time, the more clear you can be about, you know, what you need, what your actual issue is, what you can admit to what you want your partner to do. Basically, everything that Celine just said, it’s gonna be a much easier conversation.

Céline Remy 32:31
But there is a second part to this process. And that’s something that most people don’t do. Because we are always so self-centered in everything we do, but it doesn’t really work well in a relationship.

Céline Remy 32:43
And part two is the part where we bring in empathy. Empathy is about being willing to be in somebody else’s shoes to understand, remember, seek to understand not to like to respond, right? What’s going on for them. And this is an important part that you can do about how do you think that he or she is feeling about this?

Céline Remy 33:10
You know, again, we still in our scenario with premature ejaculation. Maybe she’s disappointed, maybe she’s unfulfilled. Maybe she’s bored.

Kevin Anthony 33:22
Yeah. And the problem is that if you’re the one that wants to have this conversation because you’re feeling disappointed about something, you tend to forget that the other person might also be feeling disappointed or sad or hurt or uncomfortable or afraid or whatever it is. And that’s the idea is to pay attention to the fact that your partner also is going to have feelings, it’s not just all about you.

Céline Remy 33:47
Now, you want to take it to the next step, which is what do you think he or she might need from you? Haha, that was what you needed from them. But now what do you think the average person needs from you who taking full responsibility here, and again, these are all things that will help you.

Céline Remy 34:05
Because once you have this clarity, wherever you wrote it down, or you got that clarity, you can sit down and go through that and express that with your partner. And the last part is to think about strategies or actions that you can imagine for the best-case scenario. And then be willing to listen to your partner at that point where they might have other ideas to help you go there.

Céline Remy 34:29
So the way all of this goes is you do this on your own, you write it down you or you practice it, but you get clarity. And then you go and talk to your partner. And that’s where you can talk about, okay, well, here’s the issue. Here’s how I feel. Here’s what I’m afraid will happen if it continues.

Céline Remy 34:48
Here’s what I might need from you. And then kind of I’m also imagining that for you, it’s so hard and maybe you need this from me, you know, don’t assume that you know, so COVID Maybe, and here are some ideas I thought about that could help us.

Kevin Anthony 35:04
Yeah. And that one I really wanted to reinforce. So and you know, what’s funny is, is that basically this whole difficult conversation formula, even though and all the other things we talked about, even though we’re talking specifically about sex, this applies to any difficult conversation that you will ever have no matter what it’s about finances, sex, kids, work, whatever, this absolutely applies.

Kevin Anthony 35:26
And I really wanted to reinforce the very last thing there, which was the strategies and actions I can imagine for the best-case scenario. So if you go, let’s just say your boss, if you go to your boss, and you say, this isn’t working, we got to do something about it. Okay, well, you might get a decent response, you might not.

Kevin Anthony 35:44
But if you go to that boss, and you say, this isn’t working, we need to do something about it. And I’ve come up with three ideas on how we can fix this, you’re gonna get a much different outcome to that conversation of the same thing with sex, right? If you just show up with here are all the things that aren’t working, and here are all the things that I need from you. And that’s it.

Céline Remy 36:09
Kind of emotional terrorism.

Kevin Anthony 36:11
Yeah. So if you can come up with solutions, right? Like, Well, okay, and they don’t even have to be the right solutions, actually, I mean, it’s great if they are, but they don’t even have to be the exact ones that you’re gonna do. But the fact that you’ve thought about it, and you’ve taken into consideration your partner when coming up with these solutions, even if they’re not the right ones, the person is going to say, Okay, wow, I can see that this is really important.

Kevin Anthony 36:37
I’m so glad that you’ve come up with some ideas, this doesn’t really work for me, but we can take what you’ve come up with and come and find out something that does work. You’ll get much better results if you propose some solutions.

Céline Remy 36:50
So we hope that all these tips were helpful, inspired you and that even just listening to the podcast and open up a discussion, have your partner listened to it too. And then see how you guys can start to open up the dialogue. You know, and one thing that’s important to remember if you make it something natural and easy to talk about.

Céline Remy 37:09
So remember on a daily basis to flirt with each other, to talk about the things that you love about each other how attracted you are, you’re starting to normalize talking about sexual attraction, and desires and it’s going to become easier. So make it an everyday practice, focus on the positive, but you also have the formula when things get a little rougher for you to navigate that much more easily.

Kevin Anthony 37:34
Absolutely. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 37:53
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinandceline.com/vault

Kevin Anthony 38:07
Thanks for listening. And remember,

Céline Remy 38:09
you’re amazing