Sex With MS, Intimacy In Your 70’s, Hungry for sex, Low Drive Despite High Testosterone

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, a woman single, or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 204. And it’s titled sex with MS intimacy in your 70s. Hungry for sex, low sex drive, despite high testosterone. So with a title like that, it’s pretty obvious that we are taking listener questions today.

Céline Remy 0:48
We are all over the place. But we are so grateful because, over the years, we keep receiving wonderful questions. And every time you send us a question, we put it into a file, and then every now and then we make an entire episode, just answering those questions because this shows a labor of love.

Céline Remy 1:10
We do this for you. Our goal is to help you. And while we understand that an episode can inspire you, sometimes it leaves you with more questions.

Céline Remy 1:19
Of course, you can always do one-on-one coaching with us, but not everybody can. And so when we can tailor things sometimes specifically for you, that is our greatest joy.

Kevin Anthony 1:30
Sometimes your questions inspire us to do a whole episode on something. But sometimes they’re not really there’s not enough there to do an entire episode. And so we save them until we can put enough together and fits into our schedule, and then we can answer them all in one show. So that’s where we are at today. So we’ve got four amazing questions, they are things that I think a lot of people in one way or another deal with. So you know if anything in that title sounds vaguely familiar, keep listening. That before

Céline Remy 2:07
we dive into the first question, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power in mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men, wherever you want to have harder reactions lasts longer or increases your sexual skills. There is something for you at power and mastery.com. So make sure to go check it out after the show power and mastery.com The link will be in the description below.

Kevin Anthony 2:37
Okay, so our first question, I’ll read the first question. And then I know something you had some things you wanted to share right from the start. So I’ll and then I’ll let you answer first and anything that you don’t cover, I’ll fill it. Okay, the first question comes from a listener named Bob. And he says, I have been listening to your podcast for a few months now.

Kevin Anthony 3:00
And I’m looking for a deeper experience with my wife, I have MS and am close to being wheelchair-bound. She is one that doesn’t like touch. So this is a complicated situation without the physical impairment. What are some things I can focus on to stay in the game during the time before it gets even more difficult with this debilitating disease? That is a great question.

Céline Remy 3:24
So first of all, about neither one of us has a mess. And so we can have a lot of compassion, and understanding. And at the same time, this is not an experience that we have gone through, we have our own things that we’ve dealt with that we can share what we’ve gained from these experiences and can apply to your situation. So the first thing that you want to be reframing is what you are choosing to focus on. So when we have a disease, it’s easy to start to identify with that disease. And we kind of become that diagnosis that disease.

Céline Remy 4:08
And we show up in life with this big heavyweight of this is what I am now. And it’s not something that helps us feel sexy or feel good. So you want to have your first reframe, about choosing to be healthy, choosing to love something different when you show up with your partner so that you’re not just focusing on the things that are not working. Now I know that when depending on the stages of the disease on where you are, it can impair your sexual function.

Céline Remy 4:42
It can create issues with your ability to feel orgasms and your libido, I mean urinary incontinence, there are so many things that can happen. And it’s a big blow to your self-esteem when your body doesn’t operate the way that it used to. When it doesn’t fall. function the way that you know it did when you lost the way you used to look like. I mean, there are so many things there. But again, it’s about seeing the cup half full versus half empty, there are probably still places in your body that feel good and area.

Céline Remy 5:17
So this is going to ask you to do a big reframe around. What can you do? And how can you connect, it doesn’t have to be all gently focused, you say that your wife doesn’t really like to touch, and you want to think about it as a more maybe holistic sexual approach? There are many ways to make love how words, love shows up. At this moment, when the two of you show up, maybe you can focus on breathing, maybe you can focus on your heart energy and see if you can make love through your breath.

Céline Remy 5:54
Make love with your heart, maybe you can focus on different body parts like earlobes or, the back of the knees or elbows and start to see if you can awaken sensations there. Maybe you need to become really good at dirty talking and using fantasies or using your mind to create an experience. And I also want to say that both of you have to make an effort, there might be some limitations with what you can do.

Céline Remy 6:28
There might be things she may not really leg, but at the moment, you are still able to move your body, and you’re still able to do certain things. Can she meet you halfway? Can you guys focus on what’s working? Are you both willing to show up and ask how would love to show up at this moment? Between us? And rather than focusing on the loss of what you cannot do anymore focus on what you guys can create together? What would feel good at this moment? How can you both like literally come together at this moment?

Kevin Anthony 7:04
Yeah, all great stuff. I would just add to that, you know when you mentioned that your wife is somebody that doesn’t like touch will touch is only one thing. And so I think really what the two of you need to do is you need to sit down and have a serious talk and make, you know, come up with some agreements like what do we agree that we can do that we like, there’s less Céline was just mentioning, there are lots of different things in different ways that you can connect and be sexual.

Kevin Anthony 7:30
So you really just need to sit down and have that conversation and say, here’s what I would like, here’s what I’m capable of doing. And then you know, she does the same thing. Here’s what I would like, here’s what I’m capable of doing, and come up with some agreements, you really need to have that conversation. You know, if touch is a big thing for you, and it’s not for her, you know, one question I would ask is, why doesn’t she like touch. So I mean, this, this is getting into sort of her own areas of you know, what’s in her way when it comes to her sexuality.

Kevin Anthony 8:04
Because really, as human beings, we are basically like, we need touch and human connection and interaction. Those are basic human needs. And there are tons of studies on this. This is why, you know, when they put somebody in solitary confinement, it’s like the worst abuse you could ever do to a human being. This is why our whole society is so disconnected because we’re so divided and isolated. And all that we saw were the massive effects of that the COVID lockdowns.

Kevin Anthony 8:36
And so generally speaking, if somebody doesn’t like touch, there’s probably something in the way, something that could potentially be fixed or solved, that would then suddenly open her up to touch. There’s lots of stuff, it could be the way that you touch her, it could be some past experience that she’s had, but there’s likely something in the way there. But again, touches only one small piece of it. So I don’t want to focus too much on the answer to that.

Kevin Anthony 9:04
But just to say that there are always things that you can do, regardless of what the condition is that diseases. If you love each other, if you’re committed to each other, you can always sit down and say, Okay, what is it that we can still do? That makes us both happy, satisfied, and feel good. And then, of course, the last piece is, if there’s something that one of you needs, that the other one is no longer capable of providing.

Kevin Anthony 9:35
It’s worth having the discussion to see if there are ways that you could get that need met outside of the two of you, that doesn’t necessarily mean bringing in a third person to have sex with but there might be other ways. Like, you know, getting a weekly massage, if you have a big need for touch that the other person’s like, and I don’t really want to do that, you know, there are lots of ways just think outside the box and Don’t be afraid to communicate with each other, like really sit down and have a really open, heartfelt discussion on what your needs are and how you can meet each other’s needs.

Céline Remy 10:11
And I’ll give you a few steps to do right away. Plan date nights, and we talk about this a lot. And especially when you have an illness, because you’re taking medications or schedules and stuff, maybe it’s a late afternoon, whenever it’s convenient in between the protocols, but have a committed time where it’s not a time where you’re going to talk about your symptoms, about the medications about how you feel even like the kind of like forget that this even exists and come together there.

Céline Remy 10:40
And then have increased the fun increase like be creative with what you can do. And not just in the bedroom, but outside of the bedroom. And remember that independently of having a disease or not our time is short. How do you want to spend the time that you have because we never know how much time we have? So give it your best. And both of you. So hopefully this was helpful and inspiring. Thank you, Bob, for your question.

Céline Remy 11:15
We’re going to move on to the next question. This question comes from Mark. So Mark is sharing that he’s saying thank you so much, guys, for all that you guys are doing. The biggest challenge in my sex life is being a fulfilling partner to my wife, I have erectile dysfunction and take up to 150 milligrams of Viagra before we have sex. Rarely will I have an erection that is good enough for penetration. And it never lasts longer than about three to four minutes.

Céline Remy 11:44
I have a small penis, to begin with. But it used to work well. I’m 74 and my wife is 60. We’ve been married for 24 years, our sexual encounters involve lots of oral sex, and we do use a dildo. So usually it works well. She’s able to have two to six orgasms and she will give me one at the end. For a long time she was putting up with our sex life but always had to psych herself up to have sex with me. She at one point told me she did not even enjoy sex anymore.

Céline Remy 12:12
This was despite having multiple orgasms. While we did have sex that has changed, Ashley found ways to improve her experience by using more lubrication and giving me advice about what makes her feel good. There are many times now that she is very satisfied. And on cloud nine after we have sex. My problem is maintaining intimacy in between our time so when we actually have sex, since we have been watching your podcast, we are trying to have a more intimate relationship on a day-to-day basis.

Céline Remy 12:40
I’m trying to use language that she wishes to hear. It is not good enough to say she looks nice. She wants me to say how beautiful she is. She does not want me to ask her if she wants to make love but wants me to tell her that I’m going to make her feel wonderful. And I think it is good for her to tell me what she wants to hear. But it comes across to me as showing me how inadequate I am.

Céline Remy 13:00
So I want to be someone who desires as much as I desire her, I want to fulfill her needs both in the bedroom and out in our everyday life. I want her to feel the love that I have for her and to say the things I feel in ways that she will understand. I’d love to be in that constant state of foreplay you guys describe in your podcasts.

Kevin Anthony 13:18
Okay, there’s actually quite a lot in there, I’m gonna give it a go. And then you can fill in whatever I miss. Okay, I’m gonna start I’m gonna take a paragraph by paragraph because there are different things in each paragraph that are mentioned. And so the very first one is that you’re taking 150 milligrams of Viagra before you have sex.

Kevin Anthony 13:37
And even that doesn’t really work all that well. And so you’re still struggling even with the Viagra. So there’s, there are quite a few different things that could be affecting your erections, especially as you age. And in our opinion, really Viagra is just addressing a symptom, it’s not actually addressing a root cause. And so one of the things that I would suggest is that you try to find out what the root cause of the IDI is.

Kevin Anthony 14:08
Because, you know, like, it’s like Viagra is addressing the symptom, and it’s obviously not working. So time to figure out something else. Now, given your age that you’re 74, There are likely multiple things going on. You definitely want to see a doctor and have your cardiovascular system checked, right? So have because, you know, if you’re listening to our episode with Dr. Brandeis, right, there are basically two things that affect your actions, right? There are pipes, and there are signals.

Kevin Anthony 14:39
So there are the pipes that bring the blood flow in and out. And there are the signals from the body that tell it to bring the blood flow in and out. And so you want to have all that stuff checked to make sure that the physical stuff is actually working the way that it should. Now 74 years of age, I’m guessing that most likely your testosterone Your own levels have probably cratered, because that’s pretty much normal for somebody your age, and that can also seriously affect your ability to achieve and maintain erections.

Kevin Anthony 15:12
So that’s something that you might want to look at. We also interviewed Dr. Platt, and Dr. What was the other guy Fleischer? Robert? Yeah, Dr. Fletcher, both of us talked about the use of bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. Those are definitely things that you could look into that may improve that. So basically, in paragraph one, what I’m suggesting is here, that you take some steps to address the physical problems that are happening with your body, don’t worry about the size of your penis, just make it work well,

Céline Remy 15:48
well, and he did say that it used to work well, which by the way, I wanted to comment on that. It is totally possible to have a small penis and have a satisfied partner, I have met several people who had learned how to use their penises properly, and were satisfied with themselves and their partners were satisfied.

Céline Remy 16:08
And you know, the other thing you have to remember too, is that your penis going off that the last in line when it comes to what your body needs, where the body sends energy, meaning like, if, as Kevin was saying, the blood flow is not working very well, the cardiovascular, the body’s like, gotta send it to the heart, gotta send it to the brain to the thing that keeps you alive. While your penis is like, Well, tough luck, you know, you can live without it. Right?

Kevin Anthony 16:32
And that’s by design. Because in nature, there’s no point in reproducing if resources are needed elsewhere. So that’s why to like when your body goes into, you know, fight, flight or fright because there’s a saber-toothed Tiger that’s about to eat you, the blood flow goes to your limbs, so you can run and you can climb and you can do that kind of stuff. And it goes away from things like a penis because the penis is not needed right now. Okay,

Céline Remy 17:01
so then we’re moving to the second part, which is about when she started telling you what she liked, like found different ways, right?

Kevin Anthony 17:12
No, no, no, I want to go to the fact that she said at one point, she didn’t enjoy sex anymore. Okay. So your wife is a little bit younger than you she is 16 however, in the 60s, and still post-menopause. And something that we see a lot with postmenopausal women is they don’t enjoy sex anymore. This also is likely due to hormonal shifts that accompany menopause, which mean things like the lining of the vagina is thinner, it’s more prone to irritation, it’s more prone to tearing it’s more prone to UTIs she will often experience less lubrication which then exacerbates the other problems I just mentioned,

Céline Remy 17:55
maybe there’s just less libido altogether,

Kevin Anthony 17:57
less libido together. So all of those things can happen post-menopause, which I mean, so you know, when you if you’re going to be talking or working with somebody, you know, post-menopause and you hear her say that she’s not really that interested in having sex anymore. It makes sense. It makes sense if sex is not an enjoyable act anymore to be like, Oh, why would I want to do that when it’s just causing me discomfort and pain and it’s not really fun.

Kevin Anthony 18:25
So it’s great that she’s found ways to make it work for her and one of the ways is using more lubrication. So yes, absolutely. 100% postmenopausal, you need to be using more lubrication. There are other things that you could look into as well. hormones play a big role in it for her bioidentical hormone replacement therapy could be something that helps that helps her as well.

Kevin Anthony 18:50
We also interviewed Lana occur, and she has vaginal rejuvenation, which is really, really helpful for women over you know, 50 ish or so that that menopause to post-menopause state. So there are ways that she could potentially address her physical body that would suddenly make sex a whole lot more enjoyable. And then there was one more thing I wanted to say about that. And let’s see, she found Oh, so now she’s relatively satisfied with the sex. Okay, that’s a good thing. You by all those things that I just mentioned, could potentially make it even better, but it’s good to hear that at least she’s found a place that works for her.

Céline Remy 19:32
Oh, by the way, what another thing that I wanted to point out where you mentioned mark that, hey, despite having orgasms, she’s not satisfied. And I think for men, it’s always like a little bit puzzling, because, for a lot of men, you’re like, well find my ejaculation in my orgasm. Of course, it’s bingo like that was great. The result was achieved and for many women, while it’s nice to have an orgasm, we are longing for something deeper.

Céline Remy 19:58
We are longing for It type of intimacy, we are longing for connection in a certain way or different touch. And just having an orgasm is not enough for us to want it more. And what exactly, and that was weird. That was a perfect example here. So let’s go now to the third part about laughing, which is kind of going to be the big refrain, we need to start to talk about, so why don’t you go for it given.

Kevin Anthony 20:29
So it’s great that you’ve been listening to the podcasts and that you’re working on your constant state of arousal. Fantastic. Keep doing that. Just a few little tips on how to do that a little bit more effectively. When you say she, it’s not good enough to say she looks nice. She wants to hear how beautiful she is. The thing is, it doesn’t work when you only give generalities, right, like, Oh, you look nice today. Like if she puts on a new outfit.

Kevin Anthony 20:57
And she’s like, Hey, how do you like my new outfit? And you go, you look nice. That just does not cut it for us. She wants to know, what does that even mean? Like, nice? Like, does it fit my form? Well, does it accentuate my good places? Is it the right color? Does it match my skin tone? Is it like that? She wants to know, all those things. And sometimes guys are like, they roll their eyes and they’re like, God, this is so hard. Like, I can’t believe I have to like pay attention. Yes, yes, you have to pay attention to those things. You have to you actually have to notice those little things, because she wants to hear them. You

Céline Remy 21:35
know, when I put on something new and I come downstairs and say well, because our bedrooms upstairs, our offices downstairs, I see Kevin’s in the office first and they show up, I have to admit that there have been a few times where I kind of got a little bit upset that he wasn’t acknowledging the effort I had put into my new outfit like you haven’t noticed my outfit. And it’s like, I’ve been sitting here for 30 seconds, you know. So I am guilty of that,

Kevin Anthony 21:59
while I’m like deep into something on the computer. Right in the middle of work, you know, I do my best to try to stop whatever I’m doing at that moment and look at you and acknowledge and tell you something specific I like about it. But we’re not perfect. And especially when we’re highly distracted. And you know, us guys, we’re all into focusing on something right now.

Kevin Anthony 22:22
But anyway, it’s really important to her that you do that’s just a normal female need, that’s not going to change, don’t try to fix her Don’t try to like get her to not want that anymore, because that’s absolutely not going to work. Just take a little bit more time to pay attention and try to give her some details. Now, here’s another reframe for you. You mentioned here that when it comes to hearing, so

Céline Remy 22:53
I think it’s good for her to tell me what she wants to hear. But it comes across to me as showing me how inadequate

Kevin Anthony 23:00
I’ve tried to get my eyes to find that this text should have bolded it. Okay, so here’s the thing, the reframe is this. Don’t take it as you’re not good enough, or you’re somehow inadequate. Think of it this way, you are incredibly lucky that she’s giving you the playbook. The other team has handed you their playbook. And now you know exactly what they’re going to do. Right.

Kevin Anthony 23:26
And that’s literally the way that you should look at it was in so many couples, we ended up trying to help them get to express to each other what it is they need and want. Because a lot of couples just don’t do that. So if you’re lucky enough to have a partner who actually does express to you what she needs and wants, don’t take it personally, right. That’s one of the Four Agreements don’t take anything personally. Just go Oh, great.

Kevin Anthony 23:52
She’s telling me exactly what now I don’t need to figure it out. I don’t need to do trial and error. I don’t need to fuck up a bunch of times and have it not work out. I know exactly what it is that she wants. And now all I have to do is give it to her assuming that these are reasonable things that she wants. Obviously, if they’re unreasonable things we’re not suggesting you have to give her everything she wants, no matter how unreasonable it is.

Kevin Anthony 24:16
But the idea is, is that if she comes to you and says this is what I need in order to have sex more often, this is what I need in order to really want sex and enjoy sex. This is what works for me. Awesome. Great. takes the guesswork out of it. Like as guys, you know, we get a bad rap because you know, we don’t read the manual or we don’t ask for directions or like we are always going to just try to figure it out on our own. To some extent that’s true.

Kevin Anthony 24:43
And at the same time, we love like when a woman comes to us with a problem. If she tells us exactly what she needs. We’re like, okay, great done, rather than going crap. She’s got a problem and she hasn’t told me what she actually needs. So I could do like A, B, C, or D. But I don’t really know which one and what if I do a, but what she really wanted was C, right?

Kevin Anthony 25:07
Like, this is what we go for, like, we don’t want to make the wrong move, because we don’t want to make the situation worse. We’re not sure what the right move is. And should we just try things, right? If she comes to you, and he’s like, here’s what I want, here’s what I need. Right? I don’t have to guess. So a

Céline Remy 25:24
few things here that I’m wanting to also to have you ponder a little bit. Mark is, number one, you have to work on your own self-worth, and your own feelings around like being good enough, because you’re simply projecting your own insecurity on her, right. So you got to feel that within yourself so that you’re not constantly reacting.

Céline Remy 25:48
Number two, you have to let go of how she needs to desire you or show up. Because the more you have a desire or like, an intention for her to be a certain way, the more she will feel pressured, the less she’s going to get into that energy. So the thing is, everybody has a different sex drive. And maybe hers is a bit different than yours. And you might wish that she would like it more often, or have a similar sex drive to use.

Céline Remy 26:22
But that may not be the case, if you spend your time focusing on the lack of what she’s not doing, or what she’s not giving you, or how she’s not so often wanting it, you need to switch that to start to focus on what you’re getting, okay? Because that’s also for her going to kill that energy, if she feels like she’s not performing well enough for you that you have expectations that she can’t meet, she will rather say, Well screw this, I’m not even going to try.

Céline Remy 26:53
And when we talk about the constant state of arousal and foreplay, you know, it’s not always 24/7. Let’s just want to be clear, like, we have ups and downs. But what that means is, every day, we have moments that are dedicated to this. And it’s, it’s spontaneous, because, you know, we’ve cultivated this enough now because we’ve been together for many years, but it’s good to be like, okay, so example, this morning, Kevin was wearing these tiny little shorts and sleeveless shirt, as he was working out, I just couldn’t get my hands off of him and had to grab his butt.

Céline Remy 27:31
And then when he came out of the shower, I was kissing his back, so this is what a constant state of arousal is. And it’s not just about going anywhere or doing anything else, it’s just about putting a little bit of energy in there. And you have to be playful. Again, it can’t come from a place of lack. And it can’t come from a place of having expectations for it to lead anywhere to be a certain way. And so focus on things that bring you joy, focus on things that bring you pleasure, and spend time every day.

Céline Remy 28:07
Also, how good are you at receiving? How, because there could be a little dynamic here, you know, of that giving, receiving. So make sure you do things for yourself, make sure you show up for yourself, but also show up for your Wi-Fi. So these are kind of like,

Kevin Anthony 28:27
like one more thing, too. Which are you mentioned here. You want to be someone she desires as much as I desire her. So if you want her to desire you, you have to know what types of things she likes. And then you have to look and see, am I that? Right? So this is I don’t you don’t mention in here? I don’t believe how old you are? No, no,

Céline Remy 28:56
we’ve got quite a few things. It was a bit longer. And we just trimmed some of them. There were more stories to that. I didn’t think it was super relevant to what we wanted to say. But there was something about not being their first marriage and different things like that.

Kevin Anthony 29:14
So anyway, the point is, is that, you know, we basically need to if somebody, we want somebody to desire us, we need to know what is it that they would desire, like what is it they like, and then we need to go? Is that something I’m willing to do or become? Right? And if it’s not well, that’s okay. Because sometimes things that people desire are juicy, like you’re like, I’m a total no to that.

Kevin Anthony 29:37
But if there are things that you could address that would make yourself more desirable to her, then great, then do it. You know, the thing is, is we always sit here and we go well, they don’t desire me and it’s like, well, what are you doing to arouse that desire in them?

Céline Remy 29:53
And you know, again, don’t try to guess you guys focus on speaking each other’s love language every day. You guys focus on maybe even writing down, what would it look like for her? You know, what are some of the things she needs and wants. And then you focus too on what she needs, because you’re probably doing plenty, but not exactly what she really wants. So we want to use your energy in a way that makes you work less for more results,

Céline Remy 30:25
Which we all have. All right, so now we’re just going before we move on to our remaining two questions, we like to invite you any couples, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, if you’re going through the daily motions, if you want to connect in a way that’s more passionate because you live in spontaneity, you don’t want to feel like you’re living the life of average, then Kevin, and I would like to invite you to join our highly sexed power couple platinum program.

Céline Remy 30:56
If you give us 90 days, we will help you bring the passion back between the sheets and be synched up sexually, so that you can thrive with more purpose and passion in life. So go to Céline remy.com, forward slash passion to learn more about this program. And this is really for everyone. Any of the questions here that we’re answering, like working with couples like this is how you can get the most results, we can work with one person because you know, if you change, you will show up differently in your relationship, and it will affect the entire relationship.

Céline Remy 31:27
But if the two of you decide to change together, it will go faster. And you’ll have probably like, bigger results, I’d say like this less resistance. Because sometimes it’s difficult when only one person works with one of us and then you know, we give them things to do. And then they met at home with resistance. Well, oh, my coach told me to do this. And then the wife is like, No, we’re not doing this. Oh, the husband’s like, No, we’re not doing that. And it’s like, why it’s challenging. So it’s so much easier for us. When we get to deal with both partners.

Kevin Anthony 31:57
You can make big changes on your own and they can be for sure big enough to shift the whole relationship. But it always works better when both people involved in the relationship work together.

Céline Remy 32:07
So our next question comes from Kakashi.

Kevin Anthony 32:13
Okay, so he says, I’ve been listening to your podcast, and I’ve really enjoyed your conversations around sex and found them helpful. For the past year or so I’ve been focusing on being a more present vulnerable and attentive lover with my wife. I do have a question though. It seems like no matter what I do, my wife doesn’t care for sex and doesn’t care to expand her experience of sex. I do the sort of foreplay between the times coming together.

Kevin Anthony 32:41
I hold her tenderly, but strongly from time to time, telling her she’s sexy. I listened to her and empathize and spend time with her. When we come together, I am not shy or timid, or questioning. I don’t rush and spend lots of time kissing, rubbing, and petting. But she doesn’t care for my foreplay, she rushes me to eat her pussy, which I understand a bit because she always orgasms from it. The connection is lost when she does that, though.

Kevin Anthony 33:04
And I’m in a fairly unique situation in that I have pretty good control of my orgasm. But she wants me to come in five minutes. I am always hungry for more after that, and my dick is still hard. But she’s done and ready to move on. I want to give her more pleasure. And I believe she has the physical capacity to experience it. But she has zero ambition here. Ironically, I think it’s the lack of pleasure that fuels this lack of ambition. So there’s just the cycle. And I’m always left hungry for more. But when I talk with her about it, she’s content and satisfied, although I am not. And she knows this. Do you have any advice as to how I can move toward her?

Céline Remy 33:42
Oh, so because she let’s start a little bit with looking at the big picture here. Because we have to understand that we live in a society that is constantly putting demands on us, we have distractions and pressure. And it puts us into our fight or flight response to stress response. So we constantly living by hormones of stress. When we are stressed, it’s very challenging to relax and enjoy sex. And so for a lot of people, they go through the day they go for things quickly.

Céline Remy 34:26
They just want to get shit done. And in a sense, they bring that same attitude into the bedroom. And I see this that it happens more and more, both on the masculine and feminine sides that people are very goal-oriented towards what they want to do achieve this, get that getting off the list and let’s move on. And so there is a bit of a relearning, unlearning, that needs to happen where we want to start to slow down a little Have a bit more, and start to take the time or linger and awaken different parts and try new ways to feel pleasure.

Céline Remy 35:12
And for some people, have one way that works. And like, this is how I get to my orgasm, I press this button, I do this move. And that’s what gets me to the results that I want. And so if I try something else, the result is not going to be as satisfying. And what I always tell people is, it’s normal number one to feel uncomfortable when you do something different. And that means that you are stepping outside of your comfort zone, and you are actually doing something different.

Céline Remy 35:42
And it takes a little bit of time to awaken your pleasure pathways. And sometimes it will take a while before something feels as good as the one way that you’ve trained for so many years to get you to that place of pleasure. Now, she says she’s satisfied. And this is where it is challenging. Because if she’s happy with what she’s getting, she’s not really wanting to change, we usually only change if something is painful,

Kevin Anthony 36:10
or question if she’s really happy. But I’ll get to that one. It’s my turn.,

Céline Remy 36:15
Absolutely. Now the thing is, you’re not satisfied. And this is kind of where as a couple, you guys need to have some communication. And there needs to be some meeting each other half way. If you are in a monogamous relationship that doesn’t allow experimentation with other people. Because you cannot be in a relationship where you’re like this is I am all you can do. And yet I am not going to give you what you want and what you need. And you’re going to suffer because this is just how it is.

Céline Remy 36:50
That is not how a relationship works. So we have to look at this from a place of okay, you want something different, let’s see how we can creatively look at things. Maybe you could have a longer time where you take turns giving and receiving. So she gives it to you for an hour. And never a time you give to her for an hour, like a whole hour, not just the five minutes of going down.

Kevin Anthony 37:21
And that doesn’t mean you need two hours for this session. It means today you just give to her next time she just gives to you.

Céline Remy 37:27
Thank you for the clarification, Kevin. And so you could start to learn, maybe start with a half-hour then if an hour seems too long. But to become more creative in touching each other, in receiving in fully giving, it doesn’t have to all be penetration. Sometimes people are too focused on the penetration itself, or the orgasm itself. What if you were to tease each other and really bring each other to that place where you like so, so close and then throbbing with desire and can’t wait to have your lover inside of you. So it’s a different mindset. But you have to agree on both to want to play now I can see that Kevin is about to burst. Yes, come in.

Kevin Anthony 38:16
Okay. Oh, yeah. Are the doors open? Well, the first thing I want to say is I do want to congratulate you for focusing on being more present vulnerable, attentive, and all of those things that you are already doing because that’s great. That is a fantastic start. The second thing I want to say is, you know, Céline and I say this a lot if a woman isn’t really into the sex or says she doesn’t like sex, it’s because she’s probably not getting the kind of sex that she wants.

Kevin Anthony 38:45
And this is kind of the big pink elephant in the corner of the room. Now, that does not mean that you’re no good at sex. It just means that what you’re doing isn’t what she really likes, wants, or needs.

Céline Remy 38:58
And she may have no idea what she likes once a knee Oh, let me be very, very upfront with you guys. Like we are challenging sometimes as women because we expect you to know what we want when we don’t ourselves know what we want. And if she’s never experienced that she won’t know what she wants. So it’s kind of this really well-taken situation.

Kevin Anthony 39:21
you know, one of the telltale signs here is that she wants you to eat her pussy. Because that works for her. So she’s like, Okay, I know what works. Boom here. I want you to do this now. Right? Now think about if you know when we’re talking about penetrative sex, if that had the same effect for her, she’d be going put that back in me right now. Right? So that is a place to look is you need to have a dialogue about what it is she likes and doesn’t like when it comes to penetrative sex.

Kevin Anthony 39:51
Why is it that she would rather have you eat her pussy versus having penetrative sex? You need to figure those things out because likely If you just made some adjustments to the way you make love, she might suddenly start wanting to make love a lot more. You know, so many of the women that we work with are their biggest complaint is that the men don’t last long enough. Now here you have the opposite thing where she’s like, I will just need you to come in five minutes.

Kevin Anthony 40:25
That’s telling me right there that she’s not enjoying the penetration. Because if she was really enjoying it, she would want a whole lot more than five minutes of it, because five minutes is barely enough to get her going. So you have to figure out why that is. I don’t think we know your age here. So we don’t know where you’re at. Pre menopause, perimenopause, post menopause, you know, as far as where she’s at what she might be needing what’s going on with her own physical anatomy. We

Céline Remy 40:51
don’t know your frosting style, either, you know, are you a pounding guy? Are you softer, more gentle? Are you like, as soon as you go in, like, you lose connection with her and you’re lost by yourself? And that’s why she’s like, I’m just a comeback. Do you know? Like, yeah, there’s a lot of things here. So yeah, you have to ask her. Right,

Kevin Anthony 41:13
right. And that’s the very last point I want to bring up, which is that you really need to have some deep discussions around this. Because if she knows that you’re not satisfied, and nothing is being done to address the situation. That’s a problem, right? So you need to you guys really need to sit down and have a really open and honest conversation about what your needs are and how those needs can be met.

Céline Remy 41:40
I would say one more thing about your needs, but tell her why you want to do this beyond just the need. Because if it’s like, oh, I have this need, and she’s like, great. Another thing I have to give him but if it’s like

Kevin Anthony 41:51
There’s a difference between I have a need that you touch my dick. And I have a need for us to connect and sexual ways are like a really, you know, like us connecting sexually is something that is a need for me. You’re not necessarily saying I need you to like do this to my dick or this or that. But you’re saying I need to connect with you physically in this way. That’s different than just saying I need you to know, so why are

Céline Remy 42:17
focusing on What sex brings to you so that maybe she understands, when we have penetration sex, I get this from it. I get that from it. It makes me love You more and makes me feel better about myself, like so many things. You know, if the person understands the why then they’ll be much more likely to participate in the experience generally.

Kevin Anthony 42:37
That’s true. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Céline Remy 42:42
All right. Moving on to your last question here.

Kevin Anthony 42:45
Yeah, so this one, this one’s for you to read and good luck because the English isn’t that spectacular? Oh, well, I’ll

Céline Remy 42:51
do it with my accent. And we’ll pretend it’s me. So this one comes from Andrew. And Andrew basically says, Hey, guys, how are you doing? I’m here battling a battle and seem to not win because I can’t understand what is wrong. I exercise four times a week and I’ve been doing it for years, I eat pretty healthily. Intake of veggies and fruits, I don’t really eat crap food well here and there.

Céline Remy 43:12
But I might not do it every day. I’ve gone to the doctors, and they took my blood and my tea levels which were around the seven hundred. Now I’m here just on the feet because I’ve tried supplements and herbs, but it seems like nothing really works for my sex drive or sex urge. I have such a low search and urge for sex. And I can’t understand why. Which at times might affect my erection, but I just don’t have the confidence to go and take what’s mine because of that lack of urge.

Céline Remy 43:40
And maybe I’ll get up and then in NA will show up. So any advice or tips, please, please understand that I understand you’re not doctors, but you’ve had plenty of clients that you’ve helped, again, anything that I can try or look into to fix me because I’m 34 I should be pretty confident and horny. At least that’s what I think.

Kevin Anthony 44:00
Okay, so there’s, there’s two, there are two separate things here. There’s the lack of sex drive, and then there’s the lack of confidence. They are often tied together, but not necessarily. So let’s just separate them for a moment. Let’s talk first about the lack of sex drive. So if you’ve been to the doctor, and you’ve had your levels checked, and you know that you know, seven hundred is probably perfectly fine for a 34-year-old is great, you know, as far as the testosterone level goes.

Kevin Anthony 44:29
So likely it’s not a hormone-related issue for you that’s causing the lack of sex drive. So if it’s not a physical issue, then it’s a psychological issue. So now we have to look at the other end of that. What is going on what is beneath the surface or the question that we like to ask very frequently, what is in the way there is something in the way that is blocking you from really accessing your sexual drive and your desire And so the key is to find out what that thing is,

Céline Remy 45:03
it could be a deep belief that sexuality is dirty or shameful, or you can feel guilty about it, it could be a simple thing that you judging a sexual fantasy you have, and you’ve been holding it back, it could be that something happened when you were younger and stopped in the middle of your sexual pleasure. And then you created a belief around

Kevin Anthony 45:28
religious views that are getting in the way. You know, speaking of the sexual fantasy thing, you had a client not too long ago, who have basically had that going on, he had an attraction to somebody that in his mind, he was not supposed to have attractions towards. And so he was really repressing that attraction, which in turn, repressed his entire sexuality and sex drive, he’s

Céline Remy 45:51
erection two, very similar and very young as well. Yeah. And all of that. So what is in the way for sure, that’s huge. And then how do you live your life? You know, are you waking up in the day? And full of energy? Are you taking life and grabbing it? Fucking? It’s silly, or are you just on cruise control? Are you going after what you want in other areas of your life?

Kevin Anthony 46:17
So. So sex drive, first words being sex, second-word being drive. But the next question I would ask is, what does the drive and the rest of your life look like? Right, which is what you were just saying? Are you driven to, you know, do a certain career? Are you driven to do a certain hobby? Like, do you have other areas in your life where your drive is really strong and going in a direction or not? My guess is that there’s probably not a lot of drive-in other areas of life also.

Kevin Anthony 46:51
And so you can see that if you can start to develop that drive, in other places, it can also benefit your sex life and vice versa. So one of the things that we do a lot with clients is to help them fix their sex life. And then all of a sudden, they go, oh, yeah, and by the way, suddenly, my job got better. And I’m making more money. And like, you know, this great thing happened.

Kevin Anthony 47:11
And that thing happened, right? And because it’s all connected, so yeah, definitely, you want to try to see the patterns. So look and see, is it just your sex drive, or is it your drive in other places, as well. So now that we’ve talked more about the sex drive part, let’s talk about the confidence part.

Céline Remy 47:31
And this is a huge, huge subject. And we’re going to give you a few tips right now. But this is something that needs more time to dive into, and to figure out some of the things that work for you. So confidence is not something that you think about, that you can read about, it’s something that you experience that you live. So you can’t just be sitting on your ass thinking about confidence, because that’s not really going to work, you have to start to act as if you’re already confident, you have to start to feel it in your body.

Céline Remy 48:05
So one of the things that I give some of my clients is literally to sit down, to start to generate that feeling of confidence. And to not get up until they feel like this, this confidence is happening is really hard. It’s really difficult to choose something like that. But you’re going to start to see that you generate it from within. We had a great show with Robbie Kramer, on how to increase your dating confidence.

Céline Remy 48:30
And he gave a lot of tips. Remember, he was saying he likes to go talk to strangers and do something totally silly. You’re like, like laying down on the road or on the side of the road to see like, do people care, you know like he was pushing himself out of his comfort zone. I know, Kevin, you really big on martial arts. And you are saying that this is the ultimate when it comes to building your confidence as a man,

Kevin Anthony 48:55
it is definitely a very fast way to develop confidence. So you know, when it comes to lacking confidence, I mean, one of the things that I often do, because generally when I’m when I working with men, one of the things I see is that almost everybody has confidence in some part of their life, it’s pretty rare that you find somebody that just lacks confidence 100% across the board, it doesn’t matter what they’re talking about like you could find the biggest geek who has no confidence whatsoever in himself.

Kevin Anthony 49:29
And then you finally find a topic that he likes, like, I don’t know, gaming or comic books or something like that. And suddenly he comes alive and he’s like all about it. And let me tell you about this story and that one and this thing and then like Well, no, no, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Let me tell you why. Because suddenly they just explode with all of this confidence that they know what they’re talking about.

Kevin Anthony 49:49
And so what I do is I say okay, now that we found an area in your life where you have this confidence, let’s see how you can recreate that in other areas of your life, you know, generally start with one more area and see because the reality is they think that they lack confidence and they don’t know how to be confident. But if we can find just one place in their life, where they’re already confident, we can show them that you already know how to be confident, you’re just not doing it in the other areas of your life.

Céline Remy 50:17
So that’s applying it in that particular

Kevin Anthony 50:21
So that’s the first thing. And then of course, you brought up the martial arts. And, you know, I think, in today’s modern society, one of the reasons why a lot of men lack confidence is because they have literally zero skill to defend themselves or do anything. And there is a part of us as men deep down inside, where we we somehow on a subconscious level know, it’s actually our job to be the protector and the defender. And when we don’t know how to do that we feel inadequate, and we lack confidence.

Kevin Anthony 50:52
I have seen people that really don’t have anything else go on going on in their life, they’re not particularly fit, they’re not particularly good looking. Maybe they’re not even particularly that intelligent, like there’s not a whole lot going on for them to feel really confident about. And they’ll show up to the dojo really being pretty timid. And it takes time, but over time, as they start to get better at it, you can literally see and feel the confidence starting to build in them.

Kevin Anthony 51:21
They’re like, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can do this. Right. So that’s one of the things that I think is so spectacular about martial arts is doesn’t matter where you start out, if you stick with it long enough, eventually, you can’t help but become more confident. And because that is an area in which so many men are lacking in today’s society, it is a way that people can really learn to build confidence quickly.

Kevin Anthony 51:47
It’s just, I mean, we could talk about it just reading an article this morning, about testosterone levels plummeting, like ridiculously over the last several decades, along with sperm counts, which have also dropped like 60 to 70%, since the 70s, like crazy, huge drops, and then we have all the societal pressure, everybody running around screaming, it’s toxic masculinity, bullshit, stuff like that, right? Trying to demonize what it means to be a man.

Kevin Anthony 52:16
And we’ve talked about that on the show. Also, it’s a bunch of nonsense. There’s nothing wrong with being a strong physical man. And as part of being a strong physical man, you should know how to defend yourself, and defend your loved ones. Once you can do that, in some meaningful way, suddenly, there is this new sense of confidence. But again, that’s not the only way.

Céline Remy 52:39
And confidence is not just going to magically find you, you have to go after it day after day after day, and build it and take one step. You know, ask yourself when you’re faced with a situation, how would confidence act right now? How would a confident man what would he do? And make a choice, do that or do what you’ve always done? Start small, yeah, and keep building up.

Kevin Anthony 53:05
You know, Robbie’s thing was interesting, because like, like, if I take, say, you learning a musical instrument as an analogy, so when you start playing a musical instrument, most people do not have the confidence to go play in front of other people that just don’t because they’re like, I’m, I’m not good at this, there’s gonna be pressure, I’m gonna make mistakes, I’m gonna look foolish people are gonna laugh at me, they’re gonna think I suck, you know, whatever it is.

Kevin Anthony 53:29
So there’s, there’s one of two ways to get over that. The first way is the Robby Cramer approach, like, Robby Cramer was absolutely just not confident enough to go talk to women. So what he did was he just forced himself to go out there and strike up random conversations with women so that he could learn that confidence, knowing that those conversations are gonna be awkward, they’re gonna crash and burn.

Kevin Anthony 53:51
they’re gonna be uncomfortable, when we’re gonna look at him, like some weirdo, you know, like, they might be like, getting their finger on the 911 button, like, whatever, but he went out there, and he did it to force himself. The other way is, you know, to keep practicing whatever it is you do until you get good enough that you feel confident.

Kevin Anthony 54:08
So this is, this is what most people do in the realm of music, it’s like, I’m not going to go out and perform until I can actually play pretty decent. So they’ll just play in their bedroom for 10 years until they finally feel confident enough to go out and play in an open mic.

Céline Remy 54:21
I think a happy medium above is probably best practice and to put yourself out there the first year

Kevin Anthony 54:29
to practice and try to get as good as you can and push yourself outside that comfort level and just go out there and do things and don’t be afraid to crash and burn a little bit

Céline Remy 54:39
and change your inner dialogue because it sounds like you’ve created a whole story about how something is wrong with you and how you should be a more certain way. And so you’re judging yourself you are putting yourself like about what you should rather than who you are. So love and accept yourself. Drop the dialog and start to see the areas again where you are confident where you have a drive and start to shift the focus because it will help and

Kevin Anthony 55:03
trust me. As soon as you’re feeling confidence flowing through your veins, you’re suddenly going to want to fuck everything. All right, it just, you just will.

Céline Remy 55:15
Whoa, we did it.

Kevin Anthony 55:17
All right.

Céline Remy 55:19
We hope that it was helpful to

Céline Remy 55:21
have more tailored answers. And again, we thank you for having submitted your questions. If you have more questions, please feel free to email us at support at the Love Lab podcast.com. We’ll be happy to compile them and add them to another show.

Kevin Anthony 55:36
Yes. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 55:47
We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 55:55
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinandceline.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 56:09
Thanks for listening. And remember,

Céline Remy 56:11
you’re amazing