Is It Okay To Fantasize During Sex

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, woman, single, or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 130. And it’s titled Is it okay to fantasize during sex? This is not as cut and dry as many people might think that it is. Some people are squarely in the “yeah, of course, I do it all the time camp.”

Kevin Anthony 0:49
And then other people are squarely in the: “absolutely not, it takes away from the present moment in what you’re doing camp.” And we’re going to make a case for both of those. But, but we will clear it up, in the end, you will feel I think, or I hope very clear on when it’s okay, and when it’s not. Okay.

Céline Remy 1:13
All right. So I’m excited about this. because too many people have those questions too many people don’t feel like they really know more, we’re going to bring first a big study, and then give you some of our opinions too. So it’s going to be fun. But before that, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery.

Céline Remy 1:31
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Kevin Anthony 1:56
Okay, so we wanted to start this segment by going over some recent research about fantasies, because I think this is going to sort of lay a ground level of understanding about men and women and how they treat fantasy and that sort of thing. And then once we feel like we’ve got that kind of mapped out, then we’ll talk about some of the reasons and times you shouldn’t. And then some of the reasons in times you should

Céline Remy 2:27
exciting. So this is a study that was done a few years ago, I believe it was 2014 or so when it came out. And it was done from the university UK back at one year and the Philippine National Institute of Memorial. And it’s in Canada, Canada, of course, I’m the one talking about it. So you know, because I think Kevin, material for

Kevin Anthony 2:51
the English speakers.

Céline Remy 2:53
Oh, did I say? Well, I gave you the French version. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, this study was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. And it was all about the sexual fantasies. And there’s a lot of data that we’re about to share with you. But I’ll start with a few things because they started, they had over 1000 participants, and they were very close to a believer was 52% women and 48% men, you know, so that was about like, where the population is out.

Céline Remy 3:24
So it represented a good segment of the population. Anyway, what they did is they defined sexual fantasies into four different categories. And number one was rare. If they were shared by fewer than 2.3% of our participants. Then it was unusual if shared by fewer than 15.9%. Common is shared by more than 50%.

Céline Remy 3:51
And typical is shared by one by more than 84%. Okay, so that’s some numbers. We get it because you’re probably wondering, am I normal? Am I not normal? Are people as kinky crazy, if that means

Kevin Anthony 4:07
you’re sick and dirty? No, just normal, you’re most likely normal. A few of you probably aren’t normal, but most of you probably are.

Céline Remy 4:16
Well, we’ll we’ll briefly talk over some of their findings because it’s important to share like fantasies and describe them because it helps people to normalize things here at the love lab. We love to take the shame out of sex, we like to help normalize it to bring discussion and really just to create an environment that celebrates our bodies and sexuality.

Céline Remy 4:42
So some of the fantasies there were two that were in the category of rare and it’s a good thing because they were child sex with a child younger than 12 years and sex with an animal. So yes, I have judgments on both of those and I’m glad that it’s Because that is sick in my opinion, and those people need some help.

Céline Remy 5:05
Unusual fantasies for women were peeing on a partner being urinated on also known as watersport. Both of those cross-dressing, being forced to have sex abusing an intoxicated person having sex with a prostitute, and having sex with a small-breasted woman. Interesting.

Kevin Anthony 5:29
How does that one fit in with the rest of these things? But you have a bunch of stuff on here that is, is definitely not usual. Like most people don’t do those types of things. But most people actually do have sex with small-breasted women because what you see on TV and in magazines, the size of breasts is not normal like that. Most women don’t have breasts that big like it’s rarer. Some women have pretty normal. Oh, let’s

Céline Remy 5:55
talk quickly about men because as you’re going to see, there’s a difference between the type of fantasies that women tend to go for versus men. Men for more, we’re still in the unusual fantasies realm here and their fantasies were peeing on a partner. So that’s shared and being urinated on apparent watersport goes for both having sex with two other men. Interesting, some homosexual fantasies here and having sex with more than free men orgies.

Kevin Anthony 6:27
Well, we’re still in the unusual category, right? So it’s not like the majority of men, right? So we’re talking fewer than 16%.

Céline Remy 6:34
Correct? Exactly. I wanted to go back to that. So yes, how about Kevin, you share with us a little bit. Now, this found that there were only five fantasies that were typical out of the whole study. So if you’re like, hey, my fantasy hasn’t shown up yet, or like, Where do I stand? Here are the typical fantasies.

Kevin Anthony 6:57
Okay, so those five are feeling romantic emotions during a sexual relationship. How is that even a fantasy? That’s just like normal? Like, that’s what’s supposed to be happening while you’re having sex. I’m not sure how that’s a fantasy. But I guess maybe for some, if they’re in those types of relationships, it could be a fantasy. fantasies in which atmosphere and location are important.

Kevin Anthony 7:20
Okay, I could see that. That’s fantasy, like, fantasizing about having sex on the beach, or, you know, in front of people or something like that. Okay, I get that. One’s involving a romantic location, of course, right. The next one is receiving oral sex. This is another workout. This is really a fantasy to be a reality. your regular lovemaking, but I get it. Not everybody has oral sex as often as we do. So that could be a fantasy.

Kevin Anthony 7:55
And the last one for men having sex with two women, okay. Okay, for men has to be the number one fantasy. I don’t know, a single guy that hasn’t fantasized about this. Even the most hardcore monogamous guys are like, well, I would never do it. But you know, they would think about it, they would fantasize about it what it would be like, you know, this is this is like, every teenage boy’s fantasy, and young adult male and middle age.

Kevin Anthony 8:27
And basically, if you’ve never had it, your guy, it’s probably your fantasy. I know. Some people are gonna be going. No, that’s not me. I would never do that. There are exceptions to everything. But I can tell you that the overwhelming majority of men have this fantasy.

Céline Remy 8:44
So let’s continue a little bit on the remaining fantasies as 23 were common in men and 11 were common in women. So there are significant proportions of women who reported fantasies about being sexually dominated. And similar proportions were observed in men as well. So there’s the power dynamic here coming into play, I mean, for sure, because we’re starting to talk about polarity and power.

Céline Remy 9:11
So when we get into the reasons why you should fantasize, this is going to come up and it’s there’s gonna be a whole discussion around that particular topic. Overall, this was very interesting here, but the overall man had higher sexual fantasy scores and women. And there were significant differences between the two groups, including fantasies of having romantic emotions during sex. Oh, a mother who’s having that of receiving oral sex, of having sex outside of a relationship, and of having anal sex.

Céline Remy 9:43
Okay, so by the way, we hope that in sharing zones, you’re going to be like, Oh, I guess my fantasies are pretty normal, right? If you’re hearing these sayings, you’ve probably checked one or two off your list that you’re not the only one right? How about But about one-third of women fantasize about homosexual activities.

Céline Remy 10:04
I find this really interesting despite the fact that only 19% consider themselves bisexual or homosexual. And I would say as a woman, I can 100% agree with that. I do think that we are more prone to have an attraction towards other women. And whether or not we’ve explored that side of ourselves. It seems to be

Kevin Anthony 10:27
just natural, common universal.

Céline Remy 10:29
Yes.

Kevin Anthony 10:30
Like we say all the time. You know, men love women and women love women like everybody loves women. Who doesn’t love a beautiful woman?

Céline Remy 10:38
Absolutely. But what was interesting is that for the men, approximatively, one quarter had a homosexual fantasy, although 89.5 likes basically nearly 90% considered themselves heterosexual. That’s fascinating, too. So finally, women were less likely than men to want to live out their fantasies, with about half of women who had submissive fantasies saying that they would not want those to be realized.

Kevin Anthony 11:10
This is the this we’re gonna talk about. We’re gonna talk a whole lot about this because this is a very, very, very important thing for men to understand. And so many men we talk with do not get this at all. So we’re gonna come back to that. I just don’t want to get there just yet.

Céline Remy 11:30
Absolutely. So I still think it’s worth repeating that most women were less likely than men to want to live out their fantasy. So if you’re a guy listening right now, and you’ve heard a woman say, oh, free, Sam could be fun. It doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen tomorrow, it

Kevin Anthony 11:49
doesn’t mean that she really wants it. She might enjoy it in her head, but she’s most likely not as motivated to get it going. Like you are. Yeah, but as I said, we will cover this in-depth later on in this episode. Yeah, one thing I do want to talk about, though, before we move on from this study that I find very interesting. Is the fantasies about sex with somebody of the same sex.

Kevin Anthony 12:17
I’m not at all surprised by the woman stats. In fact, I guess maybe I’m slightly surprised because I would think it would actually be higher than one third. I’m surprised it’s actually not higher than one third, maybe it is nowadays, I don’t know it’s a little bit more even more socially acceptable now than it was before. But the one is that a quarter of men had those fantasies, even though you know,

Céline Remy 12:44
90% of them are clearly putting themselves into the label of heterosexual

Kevin Anthony 12:50
Where 81% of women consider themselves heterosexual. So a smaller percentage of women consider themselves heterosexual. They had a higher level of women fantasizing about it. Then men now you have if one quarter, which is still pretty sizable amount, 25%. And yet to 90% of them. So you can see those numbers don’t add up. It’s the point I’m trying to make, or Hi, I think that is probably because of societal pressure.

Kevin Anthony 13:25
Yes, and what our norms in society, whether it be just society or be particular belief systems, I think that far more men fantasize or maybe I would say are curious about it than they would admit. Simply because there’s a lot of stigmas, even to this day, about it. So very interesting stats, I love statistics, because you can really see a lot of stuff. When you look at stats. It doesn’t always tell the whole picture, right?

Kevin Anthony 14:01
Because you can interpret them one way or another sometimes, but it’s just fascinating to see some of the raw data come up and go, huh, that’s interesting, because some of it goes, it’s not the way you think it would be. You know, it’s counterintuitive like you, you think, oh, it should, I would expect the stats to be this way. And then they come out in different ways. It’s very interesting.

Kevin Anthony 14:20
So, so all of that study, as you were saying before, really goes to show that there’s a wide range of fantasies that people fantasize about a whole bunch of different things, that there are quite a few things that are very common that most people tend to fantasize about. There are things that a significant portion of people tend to fantasize about.

Kevin Anthony 14:47
And then there are things that very few fantasize about. So you fall I’m sure somewhere in there, my guess would be you most likely fall into one of the Common or typical categories that were most people do. So, yeah, so if you’re thinking you’re weird, you’re not.

Céline Remy 15:09
So let’s talk now first about the reasons why it’s not a good idea to fantasize during sex. And I’m making a distinction here, there are moments when to fantasize, but why during sex some people are in the camp of you should never do this. Number one is that it can distract you and keep you from being present in the moment. And that’s really the biggest objection that I have with that.

Céline Remy 15:36
So if you are what I call on Fantasy Island, and you are disconnected from your partner, your partner probably is feeling it. And the quality of intimacy and interaction is not as strong as it could be that if you were fully present and connected with your partner,

Kevin Anthony 15:55
yeah, remember when we read that part about all the fantasies of having deep emotional feelings during lovemaking? If you want to have those deep emotional feelings, during lovemaking, you need to be present.

Kevin Anthony 16:05
We talked about this a lot on this show, about that presence piece of really being there, at the moment, really connected to your partner, and how that really elevates the level and the quality of the sex that you’re having. So if you’re stuck, as soon calls on Fantasy Island, it’s kind of hard to have that kind of connection. Yes, it just is.

Céline Remy 16:29
Number two is that often the real experience does not live up to the fantasy and can create disappointment and lack of sex drive. So we see this more with people who rely on imagery, almost like porn. I’m not sure if magazines would really and even in publishing still, I don’t know,

Kevin Anthony 16:48
I believe they still exist.

Céline Remy 16:51
Are they thing of the past by now? But mostly for the visual. And it’s more by how people consume things. The way that they will go on a porn site is you finding something that’s really exciting, you find 30 seconds to three-minute exciting little clip, and then you go straight to something else to continue having these dopamine hits.

Céline Remy 17:14
And this addiction that gets created. And what happens is, it’s not really how that works in real life. You can just swap the partner every 30 seconds to three minutes. I mean, you could if you had an orgy but it’s not everybody’s

Kevin Anthony 17:33
regular life. Let’s put it this way. 30 seconds to a minute. You know, you might swap every 1015 minutes.

Céline Remy 17:40
Yeah, so that’s half an hour. But the thing is if you’ve trained yourself a certain way, then and you always fantasize about, like so much variety and jumping like this, the real-life is not going to give you that. So again, it’s not so much about what you do. It’s how you do it here.

Kevin Anthony 17:57
Yeah. And it’s not even just about fantasizing about the variety. I mean, any of the fantasies can really take you so far away from your reality, that you can’t meet the two, right? So, you know, it could be how many different women you’re having sex with. But it could be a lot of other things, too.

Kevin Anthony 18:15
It could be the way that particular partner looks, right. This is a big one with porn as you’re seeing all these super young, super fit, exaggeratedly large genitals, right, but that doesn’t meet your actual experience double check

Céline Remy 18:31
for the brand.

Kevin Anthony 18:33
I mean, there’s so many things that the type of sex how long all these things that are exaggerated, they’re part of the, the fake world that we live in, you know, and if you’re if you know, understand what I mean by that, you have to realize that pretty much everything in this world is indeed fake. It’s just made up. It’s a, it’s a thin veneer. And it’s not real.

Kevin Anthony 18:54
And when you get beneath that veneer, you start to see what was wrong with the world really is, you know, whether that’s, you know, marketing for something or whatever. But, you know, I don’t want to go too far down that rabbit hole. But the idea is that fantasy can get like that, too, you can get so used to the fantasy version of reality, that the real version of reality is somehow not interesting to you anymore.

Kevin Anthony 19:21
And that’s what we see when we work with clients that do a lot of like, porn and fantasy stuff where they, the fantasy part is so stimulating because of all this exaggerated everything that then they come over here into the real world, and it’s not stimulating enough for them to even get an erection.

Céline Remy 19:40
see another thing to another reason why it’s not such a good idea to rely on fantasy during sex is that you can become addicted to the fantasy and rely on that and it’s similar that what you’re talking about Kevin in terms of if you don’t have the fantasy you can get in the mood and speaking from a woman perspective. I want to feel my man desiring me.

Céline Remy 20:06
I want my man to be here with me. And if I feel that he needs something else in his head, even if it’s in his head, there’s a part of me that’s overthinking. I’m not good enough, or something is missing or something is wrong. So it’s chipping away at our intimacy.

Kevin Anthony 20:27
Yeah, I mean, and the big thing with this one is, is that you know, fantasy is fine. But you don’t want to you don’t want to have to rely on fantasy in order to have sex. In other words, like, you know, let’s say, and this sometimes happens with say vibrators, right, where you start to use a vibrator in your lovemaking. And then you get to the point where you can’t orgasm without the vibrator right now, that’s a problem.

Kevin Anthony 20:50
There’s nothing wrong with using a vibrator. But if you’re at the point where you can’t have sex with your partner to have an orgasm, without it, it’s a problem. And that’s what can happen with this fantasy thing to where you can’t get excited enough to have sex or even get an erection or to have any sort of good sex without the fantasy. That’s a problem.

Céline Remy 21:08
Well, And last, but not least, the people who are in that camp also think some people will consider it as cheating. I think it’s a fine line. And again, it depends on people, is the person here with you? Or are they using it to help them be more ready to be with you? It’s a fine line. And it’s something that needs to be discussed in the partnership that you are in? For sure.

Kevin Anthony 21:34
Yeah, I mean, in my opinion, is not really cheating. However, it can certainly negatively affect the relationship. So whether it’s actually cheating or not, isn’t so much what’s important. What’s important is, is it benefiting your relationship, or is it having a negative effect on your relationship, that’s how I would look at it.

Céline Remy 21:54
So we’re going to move on to why you should use fantasies in your relationship, like reasons, and we’ve got a few fun things to share with you. But before that, we’re going to do another little break for our sponsor on it’s an alpha brain, you might have heard of it by now.

Céline Remy 22:12
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Céline Remy 22:46
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Céline Remy 23:14
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Kevin Anthony 23:47
Okay, so we covered reasons why you wouldn’t want to use fantasy. But there are actually legit reasons why you would want to use fantasy. So we have a list for you of times or reasons why it can be good.

Céline Remy 24:02
It can allow you to experience things in fantasies that you may not actually want to experience in reality. So remember what the study found about how most women don’t really want those fantasies to really happen. Like, you know, being raped can be hot in your head. But trust me, you don’t want that to happen.

Kevin Anthony 24:20
Exactly. So this is the part of the show where we come back to that and we really have to stress this. I don’t even know if I can stress it enough. When you have discussions and I’m going to speak mostly to the men right now. But women you know, listen up as well. My God, guys, come here. All right, we’re gonna have a talk.

Kevin Anthony 24:42
When you’re having discussions about fantasies with your woman, and she says things to you, like, you know, she’s fantasizing about a threesome, or she’s fantasizing about being forced to have sex or being tied up or being slapped or Whatever it is

Céline Remy 25:01
being gang banged by the man’s while being blindfolded, right?

Kevin Anthony 25:07
That doesn’t actually mean she wants that to happen in real life. It doesn’t in any way mean that she wants that to happen in real life, please get this into your head, when your woman tells you something like that, it does not mean that she wants it to happen in real life have I made that clear enough?

Céline Remy 25:31
You should have So okay, it has sucked in by

Kevin Anthony 25:36
that I’m gonna let you talk a little bit more about this because you know, you are a woman. And so maybe you can help guys understand this a little bit better. But there are things that are kind of cool in your head because you don’t have to deal with the repercussions of it. Right? Because thinking about it in your head doesn’t actually cause trauma, or stress, or anything like that.

Kevin Anthony 26:00
But it’s kind of fun to think about it, you know, and then you could come up with a million examples of things in real life, like, you know, maybe you watched an Indiana Jones movie or something, and you thought it would be super cool to be Indiana Jones and, and, you know, using your whip to try to outrun a boulder that’s coming at you.

Kevin Anthony 26:17
But the reality is, is you don’t really want to be in that situation. It’s a frickin movie. Right? Like, yeah, I want to be cool, like Indiana Jones, but you don’t want to be facing death, you know, every 10 seconds in some cave somewhere. Right? It’s kind of the same thing.

Céline Remy 26:32
Yeah, Yes, for sure. And, you know, sometimes it’s really weird because our brain our erotic mind gets formed really early on, and our upbringing will shape what turns us on. There’s a whole book called the erotic mind where he really dives into why we like what we like the fantasies and why certain things turn us on more. One of the things that it’s important to realize is that sometimes all you need is kind of that fantasy to be used as a fire stalker.

Céline Remy 27:06
And if you can understand it, that’s what it is. And not judging yourself about this, but just using it for the little extra that it gives you. That’s the best way to use fantasy. But some people feel a lot of shame or guilt around the fantasies and spend a lot of time it’s like, like, do you like what you like, you know, like, stop beating yourself up. I mean, unless you are endangering somebody else, or hurting somebody else without their consent, then that’s a different thing.

Céline Remy 27:34
But if you’re just into some weird shit, you know, and, and you like, rubber gloves, and, and, and, and weird things. I mean, I’ve had lots of different clients come up with different fantasies, it’s okay. And if you can embrace that it is part of who you are. And rather than push it away, that’s how it can work the best. But again, sometimes it’s just like this one little fart for like, 10 minutes.

Céline Remy 27:59
Or maybe it’s just like, your partner’s saying rubber duck, and you’re like, oh, or seeing a rubber duck. And that’s enough. You know, like, I’m trying to give you some example to get it that the fantasy or the trigger to the fantasy doesn’t have to be lived in full life, it could just be part of it or just a little like, it’s kind of like a Pavlovian response, right? If you like, if you do this, there’s this reaction that happens in the body.

Kevin Anthony 28:24
Yes. So when your woman guys tell you that she wants to fantasize tonight about having sex with another woman, the three of you, you know, threesome, don’t start planning for when this is gonna happen in real life. Oh, yeah, I know exactly who we should invite I’m gonna make a list. Don’t just don’t.

Céline Remy 28:44
Number two is that it can break up the monotony. And sometimes it’s nice and I think that we could link like fantasy with roleplay you know that kind of how I see that sometimes into whether it’s good to use that fantasy into sex. So especially when you’re using it with your partner and it’s something that you are playing together.

Céline Remy 29:03
It’s something that brings you closer and brings you together. So that’s a good reason to have a fantasy. So you’re not on your Fantasy Island by yourself. You are now creating a playground with your partner which is very full of richness and juiciness.

Kevin Anthony 29:19
Yeah, and in last week’s episode, we talked about you know how to keep it hot you know, in a monogamous relationship and this is potentially one of those ways is to use some fantasy in there to keep things spiced up.

Céline Remy 29:32
Never phrase that for some it is a massive turn-on and can get quite hot. So it’s interesting sometimes there are some things are again, I’m going to get personal here because that’s what we do. Right? So the other day you are going down on me and sometimes what turns me on is to think in my head, some dirty talking per se like I would be asking you like If you talk inside me or do me hard or something like this, you know, it’s my

Kevin Anthony 30:05
roots. I never said that out loud.

Céline Remy 30:08
We are exposing it to the world right now. And we’ll take it off the air later, Kevin. But what I’ve noticed is that sometimes I say these things in my head, and it helps me get higher, faster. But I’m really, I don’t really have a need to say it out loud. I don’t even have a need for you to do it.

Céline Remy 30:28
But I’ve noticed that having those kinds of what I would say dirty faults helped me at times, especially if I’m having a hard time letting go. Yeah, so I can use fantasy to help me get turned on more. And that helps me feel my body more so that then I don’t really need to be in a fantasy because now I’m finally higher and feeling more.

Kevin Anthony 30:47
Yeah, that’s the key. And it’s a fine line, right? Because a lot of guys are why, first of all, a lot of people in general, not specifying male or female, when they start to have sex, and they’re not totally in the mood, and like, they’re not very high on the arousal scale, yet, they’ll be stuck in their heads a lot about, you know, all the things that are going on in the day of the work, the kids the responsibilities, whatever it is.

Kevin Anthony 31:12
And in that case, sometimes the fantasy can help shake them out of all the monkey mind stuff that’s going on and bring them more into a sexual situation. That’s a good use of it. But it’s a fine line. Because remember what we talked about at the beginning of reasons why not to use it, you don’t want to be so lost in the fantasy that you’re no longer present in the moment. Right. So it’s a fine line, right?

Kevin Anthony 31:40
If if you’re having a lot of stuff going on in your head, all of the day’s responsibilities, the things you did the things you didn’t get to the things you got to do tomorrow, whatever it is, you can use a little fantasy to help bring you back into your sort of sexual space. But Don’t linger there. Don’t linger there, don’t get stuck there. Because then you’re not going to be present with your partner.

Céline Remy 31:59
Yeah, and I kind of think like, it’s some food, some certain things we know are not specifically good for us. But sometimes they help like feeling down a little bit of chocolate will help but eating the entire chocolate bar is not going to support you. So again, it’s like about how you do

Kevin Anthony 32:15
moderation things in moderation.

Céline Remy 32:19
And I think another way, so let’s just talk about one last thing here is that it can be a safe way to experiment with things before actually doing them. And you know, it gets put slide where it will work and what issues might come up, especially if you’re thinking about opening up your relationship introducing somebody else or a toy, like these, you know, like, let’s say you’re wanting to have a threesome, and you’re not sure so you’re going to get a doll, right?

Céline Remy 32:46
And so that you can have this like a sex doll that you maybe partner could have sex with. So you could roleplay that or if you don’t want to have a sex doll, because it’s I don’t know, it’s expensive or not your thing, you can pretend that he’s doing that. But like you get to really see kind of as close to real-life as possible. But how it would feel?

Kevin Anthony 33:04
Yeah, so you don’t even need a doll to do this. Here’s the thing about using fantasy in this way. I like your example of a threesome because it’s a really good one. As far as describing what we want to describe here, which is this. So you’re having sex and you want to use a little fantasy and you say, hey, all right. Let’s roleplay that we’re having sex with another woman. Okay, so I’m going to go down on her What will you be doing?

Céline Remy 33:33
Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 33:34
And then all of a sudden, so the things that maybe weren’t thought of before, all of a sudden she goes, Oh, wait a minute, but if he’s having sex with her in this part of the fantasy, what am I doing? Oh, wait,

Céline Remy 33:47
I’m putting my pussy on her face. Well, she’s like going down on me too.

Kevin Anthony 33:51
Maybe, maybe, maybe. But actually, more than likely what will happen is, she’ll suddenly go, Well, wait a minute, then I’ll just be sitting on the side. And nobody will be paying attention to me. And I don’t feel real comfortable with that. Right? So that’s, that’s honestly, most likely what would happen unless you’re experienced in this sort of thing or whatever.

Kevin Anthony 34:15
But what it does is it gets you to think about scenarios that you may not have thought of, because when you think about the idea of having a threesome, so it’s all great. It’s all fun. Yeah, it’s just more sex and more genitals and more things to lick and stick and whatever, you know. But the reality of a threesome is quite different from that, right? And there are all of these potential gotchas that you could run into that you don’t think about if you’ve never done it, right.

Kevin Anthony 34:42
You’ve never done it before. You don’t know what all the gotchas are. So, using the fantasy in the role-playing in this scenario, can start to bring some of those gotchas to the surface, and then you have an opportunity to discuss them and discuss how you would react to them before you do anything that would negatively affect your relationship because, in the real moment when you run into those situations, feelings already hurt, boundaries are already passed, there’s no going back from that

Céline Remy 35:12
they are trying to repair, right has happened.

Kevin Anthony 35:15
Exactly. So in this fantasy, nothing’s actually been done, you could maybe have a few hurt feelings, I can’t believe you wanted to do that. But that’s pretty easy to work through and deal with, you can talk that out, you haven’t actually done anything. Nobody’s being accused of cheating or doing anything like that. So that it really is a scenario and not just that one scenario.

Kevin Anthony 35:38
But that use of fantasy can be really helpful for people who want to step outside the boundaries of what they’re used to insects, and maybe expand a little bit but without taking the risks.

Céline Remy 35:53
Yes. So it’s really up to you whether or not you want to use fantasy and how and again, it’s better if it’s something that’s shared, that something that you’re doing on your own and disconnected from your partner. And accepting your sexual fantasies will allow you for also greater relaxation during lovemaking. So if you’re not constantly fighting what’s happening, like this scenario I gave like, it could be judging myself for wanting to talk dirty or say something like this, but instead, I just let it rip in my head.

Céline Remy 36:22
Then it works, I can let go. Because relaxation is key to sexual fulfillment, really, and that’s something that people tend to forget. If you feel guilty about your sexual fantasy, it causes anxiety, emotional stress, and it can interfere with your bodily reaction, your erotic pleasure, and all of that. So be willing to accept yourself as you are in love with your fantasy, but be willing, most importantly, to share them with your partner.

Céline Remy 36:51
And if you are still single while listening to this show, be willing to talk about your fantasies from the get-go and find people who like what you like, it’s so much easier to have people that you can share your fantasies with and that have the same things than trying to make your partner fit something that they don’t particularly like,

Kevin Anthony 37:10
yeah, you know, something we didn’t put on the list, but we should have now that you mentioned is if you’re single, use your fantasy to figure out what you really want in a partner. Right? Absolutely. Okay, so we’re gonna leave you with one last thing today we’re going to leave you with a joke. This is one that Celine found on lunch never know who the comedian is, but most of you all well, it’s not her fault. You didn’t grow up in this country.

Kevin Anthony 37:34
Alright, so the late great comedian Rodney Dangerfield told a story of making love with his girlfriend. They’re going at it but something is wrong. Neither feels all that aroused. Finally, Dangerfield asks, hey, what’s the matter? Can’t you think of any buddy either? That was my probably pretty terrible Ryan Dangerfield impression but I think you got the job. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 38:14
We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 38:21
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinandceline.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 38:36

Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 38:37
And remember, you’re amazing