How To Prepare For A Sex Club As A Monogamous Couple

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 222. About that

Céline Remy 0:36
impressive,

Kevin Anthony 0:36
and it is titled How to prepare for a sex club as a monogamous couple with Keeley Rankin. So if you’ve listened to the Love Lab podcast for a while, you know, we’ve talked about going to sex clubs before, we’ve talked about our experiences, to some extent with that type of stuff.

Kevin Anthony 0:54
But we’ve never really covered it from the point of view of like, if you’re a monogamous couple, you’re wanting to spice up your love life, you’re wanting to do something different.

Kevin Anthony 1:04
You have this idea that maybe going to a sex club might be something that works for you, but how do you do it? And that’s really what we’re going to cover today. Because it may sound simple. Okay, find one and go. But as coaches who’ve worked with a lot of couples and have coached couples in how to do this, it is never that simple.

Céline Remy 1:27
And you’ve been the one in the parking lots who stayed in the parking lot. Oh, yeah.

Kevin Anthony 1:31
So we’re gonna go there already? Sure. We’ll go there in the intro, my first experience with going to a sex club with a girlfriend of mine was many years ago, we thought this was a great idea. You had to like register ahead of time. And we did all that. And we show up in the parking lot.

Kevin Anthony 1:49
And we’re both looking at each other. Nobody gets out of the car. And I’m looking at her and she’s looking at me and she’s like, you want to go in? I’m like, I don’t know, do you want to go in and we totally chickened out, we went home, and we didn’t go. We went back again. And actually went a couple of weeks later, when we finally got the nerve to do it.

Kevin Anthony 2:07
Now granted, I was young, I was in my mid-20s. So you know, there was a lot that happened since that. But I think that regardless of age, this is something that a lot of people go through, like, Oh my God, what do we do? Like, oh, this is scary, like, what if we have all these things?

Kevin Anthony 2:23
So we’re going to cover all of that stuff. Today we have a guest who has personal experience and is also a coach. So between the three of us on this show, we’ve got lots of experience on what to do here.

Céline Remy 2:35
All right, so before we introduce our guest, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men.

Céline Remy 2:54
Whether you want to have harder erections last longer or increase in sexual skills. There is something for you at powerandmastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 3:04
All right, so our guest today is Keeley Rankin. Keeley is a sex and relationship coach in private practice. She works with individuals and couples, as well as trains coaches, and has online courses. She has been featured in Huffington Post Oprah Magazine and Elite Daily so well, Kaylee,

Keeley Rankin 3:25
Yay, it’s so wonderful to be here. I’m really excited to chat about this topic with you guys.

Kevin Anthony 3:30
Yeah, I mean, at one, the tablet can be very helpful to people but to it’s just, it’s just a fun job. Yeah.

Keeley Rankin 3:38
Just a fun topic. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 3:41
So so let’s just dive in. So we know that well, we know because we’ve spoken to you before the audience doesn’t necessarily know that you’ve created it, that you’ve created sessions for couples to help them with this.

Kevin Anthony 3:57
And we’re gonna get into what those sessions look like a little bit later. The reason I bring it up now, though, is because it’s your personal experience that has guided you to creating these sessions.

Kevin Anthony 4:08
It was your personal experiences that, hey, if I’m going through this, if this is the stuff I’m seeing when I’m here, man, so many other people could use help with this.

Kevin Anthony 4:08
So I’m wondering if you could tell the audience a little bit about your own experience going to sex clubs and how that influenced what you later created?

Keeley Rankin 4:29
Yeah, so my husband is Parisian where they have wonderful, incredible, different variations of sex clubs over there in Paris to go to and we were visiting and we started to go to a couple and we would be in them.

Keeley Rankin 4:48
You know, doing the things you’re supposed to be doing the clubs having sex engaging, and we just didn’t feel connected. Like it would be so interesting, you know, like, we would have really connected sex at the hotel out the house before have really connected sex after but in the actual club themselves, I would often feel pretty disconnected from him.

Keeley Rankin 5:08
And I think he would say the same thing. Like, they just things weren’t, just didn’t feel like us almost in some way.

Keeley Rankin 5:08
And I remember I was on a flight home on the airplane, and I was just started to think of my like, wow, you know, if we with me with all of my education and training and coaching skills, and have done this, so often him all of his knowledge and our deep erotic connection, feel disconnected in this erotic space.

Keeley Rankin 5:35
I’m like, This must be a landmine for other couples. And so I started to think like, what would be really helpful? Like, what is it that we need, that I could imagine other people might need? And I’m like, oh, we need lots of rituals, we need lots of intention setting around what we’re planning on doing when we’re there, lots of deep communication.

Keeley Rankin 5:58
And one of the things I really realized is like, taking time out, you know, either the day of or a couple of days before to really think about like, what is it that we want from this experience? What are we hoping for?

Keeley Rankin 6:11
And how do we really deeply connect before we go in, so that we have that kind of unbreakable bond that even if other people are coming and going or something happens, or you know, you’re dealing with people in sex clubs, so anything can happen, good or bad, that we would feel connected, and have that really, really deep space together?

Keeley Rankin 6:31
And so that’s where the creation of the before and after sessions for couples came from.

Kevin Anthony 6:35
So I really want to talk a little bit more about what you just said, because yeah, this has also been your number one complaint. I know, it’s a six-part is it literally it how, over many years, it’s always been the same complaint, which is, you know, Céline would say, it got to a point, you know because in the communities that we used to spend a lot of time in there were sex parties constantly like you’re always getting a good one.

Kevin Anthony 7:00
Yes. So we would go somewhat frequently. And it really got to a point where Céline would say, I don’t know if I really want to go anymore, because honestly, the sex isn’t that good. She’s like, we have better sex when we’re not there.

Kevin Anthony 7:10
And, what we really narrowed it down to is exactly what you just said, which is that when it’s just you in your own home, that connection is so much stronger and deeper. And in a way it kind of makes sense. If you’ve ever been in those environments, you understand how distracting it can be.

Kevin Anthony 7:31
There are a lot of people, there are a lot of sounds, there’s a lot of activities smells like everything going on, right? And it’s really hard. Like, one of the biggest things that we do with coaching couples, is teaching them actually how to be present with each other.

Kevin Anthony 7:48
I mean, these are just like regular people have nothing to do with sex clubs, they just haven’t sex, you know, in the context of a normal relationship. And they already struggle with paying attention to each other, like really paying attention to each other like, yeah, they’re, they’re, you know, penis and vagina, and they’re doing the motions, but they’re not deeply connected, right?

Kevin Anthony 8:08
So imagine people who are already struggling with that. Yeah, again, this door, and now you’re trying to put them in an environment that is massively distracting, to begin with. So, so I’m gonna, I’m going off script already here.

Keeley Rankin 8:26
Let’s go for it, follow the follow where it goes,

Céline Remy 8:28
he’s on fire.

Kevin Anthony 8:30
Well, so what I’m curious about is like, how do you get somebody to be connected in that environment? Because like I said, there’s all this crazy stuff going on. And inevitably, there’s going to be, you know, there’s a full range of what people look like, right?

Kevin Anthony 8:50
So I’m not going to tell you that everybody in the sex club has this amazing body like that you can’t help but stare out there’s everything from who I’d rather not see that again to Oh, my God, Superman, right? And everything in between, as it should be.

Kevin Anthony 9:02
But inevitably, there’s going to be things that you’re like, Whoa, like you, you want to see that? So we’re all of a sudden your attention is going to want to go that how you help couples stay engaged with each other in that environment and connected.

Keeley Rankin 9:20
I think one of the really important things, especially if this is a new experience for a couple is to take the pressure off that the first time is going to be this amazing experience and that they’re going to feel deeply connected.

Keeley Rankin 9:31
I think it’s really important to set the intention of like, we don’t actually know what your experience is going to be like. That’s what we’re here to find out. And my hope is that we can set up enough of a container and a conversation, where whatever the experience is, they have the tools to get through it and then make a conscious decision around what was fun.

Keeley Rankin 9:51
We should try it again. Or Wow, that really doesn’t work for our couple. It was too triggering or we just didn’t like it. And I think unfortunately what happens is a lot of people go in I’m thinking it’s going to be this like mind-blowing experience are just gonna watch supermodels, fuck, and it’s gonna be great.

Keeley Rankin 10:05
And there’s me a big orgy and there’ll be included in it, which, you know, often, there may not be the case, you know? And can we really step back from all of the pressure that they’re putting on themselves around going there so that they can just feel the energy of the experience?

Keeley Rankin 10:21
So think getting to the place of being deeply connected with your partner in the candy store environment of all of this stuff going on, I think it really takes time. And so letting people know like, your first time is your first time, you don’t know what you don’t know, and you don’t know what your body has never experienced.

Keeley Rankin 10:38
And every club is really different. And every night is really different. So it’s like, how can we set the container so that when you go, you can be prepared for what’s going on and then be able to talk about it after and make decisions?

Céline Remy 10:49
So really, it comes down to knowing your why. Why would a couple want to do that? Why do some of the couples that are working with you want to do it?

Keeley Rankin 11:00
You know, I think of it a little less than the why and more about like, what are you curious about? Like, what are you hopeful for? So it’s like when you go to the sex club, like, one of the exercises I like to do at the beginning of couples is actually kind of like separate them in a way not fully separate them.

Keeley Rankin 11:15
But ask them individually to think about, like, when you imagine going, what happens? What’s the perfect scenario? What’s going on? What are you doing, what’s your partner doing, and fleshing that out as much as possible, so we can figure out what is the fantasy that they’re actually attached to.

Keeley Rankin 11:32
And then we can see if we can guide that into what a potential more of reality scenario is going to look like. You know, I think a lot of people are just, you know, most of the clients that that come and work with me in Paris in this before and after sessions, you know, they’ve been together for a long time, they have a pretty good relationship, you know, the normal ups and downs of a couple, but they really want to have this experience together, they’ve always talked about it.

Keeley Rankin 12:00
Normally, one person is a little more curious than the other. But they’re both like, we’re open. And we’re curious, and we’re scared. So, I think is normal place to be the first time trying something new and exciting. But I think it’s this adventure feeling of doing something a little risky, a little naughty. And really fun together is a lot oftentimes, what a lot of people are looking for,

Kevin Anthony 12:25
you know, I want to come back to something that you said a moment ago about the fact that you don’t know what kind of experience you’re going to have. In other words, especially on the guy side, because you know, it’s not always the case.

Kevin Anthony 12:37
But it’s often the case that the guy is driving, let’s go to the sex. And that’s not always true, but it’s frequently true. And I think a lot of times, the guys have this fantasy in their minds about what it’s going to be like, and yeah, I’m going to end up having sex with five women, and three of them are going to be supermodels and one’s going to be my partner, you know, it’s like, they expect that it’s going to be this amazing thing.

Kevin Anthony 12:37
And we’re gonna be so much closer after this because of this experience. And three reality, of course, as you well know, is that could happen. And the complete opposite of that is just as likely to happen as that is.

Kevin Anthony 13:15
And so I think that’s just an important point for people who are listening if you’re thinking about it is you got to separate the fantasy from the reality and I love your approach of okay, whoa, let’s, let’s move away from the fantasy and let’s talk about the reality of what your experience could be. And how we can make your experience closer to what you want it to be than what you don’t want it to

Céline Remy 13:40
be. So I’m going to like, just ask a silly question. But like pretend I don’t know anything? What is what is required? Of a couple when they go to a sex club? Do they have to do anything?

Keeley Rankin 13:55
I love that you’re asking that because I think one of the major you know kind of pieces that keeps couples from imagining trying this is that they feel like they’ve got to do something when they’re in there. They have to have sex, they have to take their clothes off.

Keeley Rankin 14:10
They have to be erotic. Someone’s going to come up to them, they have to say yes to that person. And I think what’s really, really important and it’s often very empowering for people is that you don’t have it’s the same as in a normal club people are just well there’s in France, in general, where explore this mostly with people, their sex clubs and their sex saunas.

Keeley Rankin 14:31
So yes, in a sex sauna, most likely everyone is going to be nude except in the areas where they’re supposed to have robes or towels on but you will be nude. It would be sort of expected you would be nude. But also you’re doing sauna-like things. steam rooms, you know, that type of stuff. In a sex club, though, I mean, it is like a club.

Keeley Rankin 14:53
Like it’s a dance club. There’s a bar there are areas where you are allowed to take clothes off if you would like to and there’s no Never pressure to engage in any behavior whatsoever. And if you’re ever feeling pressure or you feel like you’re no is respected, at any point, you do need to tell someone in the club that that’s there for security because that person should be escorted out.

Keeley Rankin 15:14
And I think that’s a really, really important part for couples to like, going to a sex club could look like literally just going there walking in having a drink at the bar, not even going to the place where people are taking their clothes off, like, that’s okay, too.

Keeley Rankin 15:27
Or staying in the parking lot. You know, like your experience, Kevin, like, I mean, didn’t get too into the sex club. But that’s still a part of the experience, that excitement, that thrill, the unknown of what will happen. And I would say, you know, more often than not, my experience with people is like especially the couples that I’ve worked with, they’re not having sex with anybody else at the sex.

Keeley Rankin 15:52
They’re really not, you know, mostly, they are ish open to it, but they normally don’t meet anybody that they want to have sex with. And they end up being intimate with each other, not always intercourse, but just like play and touch and things like that.

Keeley Rankin 16:08
So I think really taking that pressure off like you’re gonna go to a sex club, someone’s gonna force you to have sex with them, you’re not going to be able to say no, or there’s going to be this incredible pressure. You know, if that happens, that’s something you definitely want to let security know because that should never happen, that needs to never happen.

Kevin Anthony 16:26
So I have an interesting question, which is like, so I have been to more formal, like sex clubs. Like, it’s like a club. It’s like a business, you know, but the majority of the times that you and I have been to second parties, it’s been like, a small community much more informal.

Kevin Anthony 16:44
And the interesting thing about that is, one thing I will credit them with is that they were really, really good at setting expectations in the beginning. So, everybody, there’s, you know, maybe there’s 2030, maybe 50 people or whatever.

Kevin Anthony 16:58
And there’s always an expectation set that, okay, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Being a voyeur is perfectly fine. You don’t have to have sex, and they were like they would state all of that upfront, which kind of made people feel like Oh, okay.

Kevin Anthony 17:12
And I’m just curious, from your perspective, in the more you know, traditional clubs like, are those parts of the culture really said out loud? Like, do people just have to figure that out on their own, like, through trial and error? Go? Oh, you mean, I can actually just stay here and watch? Or is that part of the culture?

Keeley Rankin 17:34
So every club will have their rules listed, which look very similar to what you’re speaking to, and like the sex on us to like, they’ll have a list that you’ll they’ll ask you to read over before you enter?

Keeley Rankin 17:48
You know, what’s true is that when you’re dealing with the general public, it will sometimes which is different than like, meeting a bunch of friends who know other people who’ve invited them to a private party, it’s like you are dealing with potentially bad actors.

Keeley Rankin 18:03
And so you do have to have a little bit more of like, you know, making sure you know, what you want and what you don’t want. And, you know, I think that’s one of the things that’s important to work with a professional around is like making sure you have your, No, you know, it wasn’t, I was in effect, I can tell this story because this person will probably never listen to this podcast, but it was with a friend in a sex club in San Francisco, which, you know, the again, the US doesn’t have that great of sex clubs.

Keeley Rankin 18:30
I think sometimes it’s like America, Americans go to them, and they feel a little seedy or a little gross, or just not as sexy as the ones in Europe. So if you’re one of those people who’s gone to the American sex clubs, and you’re like, I feel very sexy. Like, yeah, I’m right there with you. It doesn’t feel sexy to me either.

Keeley Rankin 18:46
But it was in one in San Francisco, and a friend was there. And there was a woman who came over to us and she thought we were together. And she’s like, I really want to, you know, kiss your friend here. And I’ll and I knew he didn’t have a strong No.

Keeley Rankin 19:02
And in my head, I was kind of like, well, this would be a really good opportunity for him to work on his note, because I know he’s not attracted to her or she wasn’t his type at all. And so I said, Well, you know, it’s his choice. He gets to decide, you know, what he wants to do. It’s his body. You know, I don’t control him.

Keeley Rankin 19:17
But he didn’t have a no. So we ended up engaging with her because he couldn’t he didn’t feel I think at that moment like he could say, like, no, I’m sorry, I’m not interested in making out. And I think that’s a really, that’s a little tricky because I’m a sex coach. So I was like, you should have your no right.

Keeley Rankin 19:33
But like, I mean, he was fine at the end of the day, but I think it’s a really important piece of like when you’re going into these experiences, do you feel connected to what you’re okay with? And in those moments, do you feel like you can say what you need to say?

Keeley Rankin 19:46
And, you know, if you can’t do that, it’s like, it’s almost like, Okay, well, maybe we need to work on that prior to going engaging in a scenario where that could potentially happen. And you could potentially end up in a situation where you really don’t want to be doing meaning something.

Céline Remy 20:01
So this is a perfect segue to the next question, which is like, what is required of a couple? When do they go to a sex club? Like what did they have? Like to do before? What should they do

Keeley Rankin 20:14
what have I worked with them before? Yeah. So when I work with couples the before a session, so I do three hours before with couples, and then help them decide which club they want to go to based on the night and what they’re interested in.

Keeley Rankin 20:26
And then I do a follow-up with them for two hours. So before a session, I really like to flesh out sort of like what their expectations are, what their fantasies are, is helped guide them into like, what what’s probably more likely, based in reality, and starting to talk about directly with each other,

Keeley Rankin 20:45
like how they’re going to say yes, how they’re going to say no, what they’re going to do if something happens, so they’re just running through scenarios, so they feel like they’ve got kind of an idea of what they might be up in a feeling against.

Keeley Rankin 20:57
And I think the biggest piece that I’ve taken away after working with a lot of couples is creating, what I like to do with them is helping them create a set of rituals that feels connected to them who they are at a deep level that allows them to really connect before they go.

Keeley Rankin 21:14
So one of the things I like is like the placement of jewelry, or the helping getting dressed for the evening, or the placement of a collar, or something that feels like at the moment, if you’re a little nervous, you can reach down, say you have like a, you know, something on your wrist that your partner has put on you that indicates like the love and the connection, and we’re going here to try this thing together.

Keeley Rankin 21:35
And it’s new, and we’re a little scared. And at that moment, you know, maybe someone approaches you and or you just are walking in and you can reach down and touch that and feel like okay, this is our couple we’re here together, we’ve set this intention, this is what we’re going in with.

Keeley Rankin 21:51
And that I think is one of the biggest pieces that I’ve taken away from working with couples is like how do we create something that when you’re in the club, and something feels a little I’m not sure I feel a little anxious or a little disconnected, that you can sort of feel on your body or reach out and connect with the weather, maybe it’s your partner helping you put makeup on if that’s something possible or something in your hair.

Keeley Rankin 22:14
Or I always like to wear some sort of really sexy lingerie. So sometimes I’ll have my partner help me get dressed or you know, like button me into something so that there’s this feeling when I’m in there. I’m like, Okay, this is us like I can feel us before we came here.

Kevin Anthony 22:30
So sticking for the moment with the before sessions, what are some of the common objections that might come up? Right? Because I know not everybody is 100% on board when they show up in the sessions, or they probably wouldn’t need the sessions, right? Like, there’s always some hesitation. So maybe give us some examples of those.

Keeley Rankin 22:52
When do I think that I think we’ve covered some of the biggest fears, right? It’s like, what if my partner wants to have sex with someone and I’m not okay with it? What’s the biggest fear or wants to engage with someone and I’m not okay with it?

Keeley Rankin 23:02
Or what if someone comes over and wants to engage with us? And I’m not okay with it, like, how do we talk about that? What does it look like? And, you know, I’m sort of a believer in like, how do we create knows in a graceful and eloquent but, you know, a sort of way, you know, not skating around, but you know, allowing it for to feel like it’s in the flow of experience.

Keeley Rankin 23:26
So it’s just not like a really hard No, unless, of course, you’d need that. So, you know, having sort of conversations around, what do we do? What do we do? So we’re in the club, and someone approaches us and wants to do things like, what’s the first step? Like? How do we know the other person’s age?

Keeley Rankin 23:44
You know, we’re using green, green, yellow, red, like, what are the words that we want to use what feels good for us what feels clear for us, and again, it really depends on each couple and where they’re at and how much they’ve explored this type of stuff. And just sort of working through that process of like, seeing those different helping them see those different pieces of like, what they’re going to do.

Kevin Anthony 24:06
Yeah, you know, what, like one of the ways I always describe it is like if we’re if you’re going in as a couple, like your partner always has the ultimate veto power. Right. So that and I think that really helps empower couples, which is like if we go in there and somebody approaches us and it’s some beautiful woman and she wants to join us, you know,

Kevin Anthony 24:27
Céline always has veto power, no matter how attracted to this woman I am, no matter how much I really want to have sex with her. I have to look at her and say, Are you okay with like, is this something you want to do? And if she says no, then you just gotta let it go. Right? Your partner always has to be number one in every decision that you may.

Céline Remy 24:46
You got to speak with your dick. No, and

Kevin Anthony 24:51
all joking aside, though. Well, it does happen and what we observe is that it’s not always just the guy thinking with a dick. I’ve seen it in reverse But one partner really wants to engage. And the other one is not sure they don’t really have their knowledge, as you’ve talked about.

Kevin Anthony 25:06
And then you see the person who really wants to do it starting to get sort of coercive, you know, like, Oh, come on, it’s just this one time, or just like, just for a little bit, or this will only do this right, and they start trying to convince the other person and that is not a place you want to be

Céline Remy 25:21
seen. It was somebody called the partner to change the agreements, in the middle of

Kevin Anthony 25:27
it went to a sex party without their partner, they had agreements before they went, and in the middle, they literally called them on the phone. Worst idea ever.

Céline Remy 25:36
Yeah. Because they met somebody and they wanted to change it at that moment. This is terrible.

Keeley Rankin 25:41
Right, right. And I think, you know, that’s why I do the follow-up sessions with people is to check out like, what happened when you were in there, again, because we don’t know what will happen the first time often with people.

Keeley Rankin 25:54
But you know, I think it’s such a good and important topic of like, do you feel like in the moment, you could try and manipulate your partner, if you aren’t getting what you want? What will that look like? Can you imagine yourself doing that?

Keeley Rankin 26:09
And sometimes I’ll roleplay that if a couple is really fearful of that, like, someone might say, like, I’m really worried, like, he or she is going to just try and make me do something I don’t want to do.

Keeley Rankin 26:19
So we’re like, Okay, what, what does that look like, let’s pretend we’re here, what, you know, let’s see how it is, we can help sort of support and flush out at that moment how they might be prepared for that. But there’s a really good point, and it does happen, unfortunately,

Kevin Anthony 26:32
yeah, I love that idea of kind of role-playing it out. And I really do like the before and after sessions thing, because, you know, if you’ve never been in this environment,

Kevin Anthony 26:42
especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a while like I’ve seen some new couples, they haven’t been together very long, like, you know, the all the chemicals are still flowing, they’re super attracted to each other like ahead, let’s go experiment, they don’t have a lot of buy-in, per se into the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 26:57
So it’s not that big a deal. But if you’ve been in the relationship for a long time, right, now, you’ve got a lot invested, you feel like there’s, there’s a lot to potentially lose, it’s such a great opportunity to be able to work through some of this in a safe environment, rather than being right in the middle of it all and having to make these decisions and figure out what to do.

Keeley Rankin 27:20
Right. And I think you bring up a really good point, because one of these, this the angle that we’re talking about here is a monogamous couple goes to a sex club, so monogamous couple goes to a sex club, maybe they go just to be voyeurs just to watch or just to have, you know, have sex in an experience with other people.

Keeley Rankin 27:35
So it’s like live porn. And the other possibility is there are people who approached you that also want to have sex with you on some level in some way. And, you know, I think, being able to start to communicate around that, especially if you’ve never played with other people.

Keeley Rankin 27:52
And now suddenly, you’re in an environment, sexually charged environment. And there’s someone you find sexy, and you are like, Oh, I don’t have sex with that person. What happens?

Keeley Rankin 28:02
And I think the tricky place is when couples are negotiating in these environments directly like they haven’t had the conversation prior. And it’s like, someone wants to have sex with you. What do you do? You know, and they haven’t talked about and all of a sudden, they’re there. And there’s someone and now what do you do?

Kevin Anthony 28:21
Like deer in headlights? It is the worst time to have that conversation. Right? Right. Because there’s tons of pressure,

Keeley Rankin 28:29
so much pressure, and then sometimes people will engage in things and then the other person gets upset. And then there’s a huge rupture of trust, and all this stuff happens. And then don’t think you ever go back to the next level again.

Kevin Anthony 28:39
That brings me to two questions I want to ask, but I think maybe we should pause for our sponsor. And then I want to follow up with two similar questions that approach it from opposite angles. Okay, so let’s read our sponsor ad. So, on our website, you can shop for great products that we have hand picked for you.

Kevin Anthony 29:03
We have selected some great products to help support your health, sex, Life, and Relationship. purchasing products from us and our affiliates helps support the work that we do and ensure that we can continue to help as many people as possible so go to Céline remy.com, forward slash products, we’ve got all kinds of stuff.

Kevin Anthony 29:19
We’ve got things from supplements to help you perform better and be healthier to all kinds of biohacking stuff to sex toys to vibrate, X date night hacks, and fun games that you can play together. New things like pretty regularly, and whenever we find stuff that seems cool, that might be helpful. So go check that out. Céline remy.com forward slash products.

Kevin Anthony 29:42
Okay, so I have two questions. And they both are similar, but one revolves around the potential negative things that can happen from going in, and then I want to focus on what are the positives that people could get out of it. So we just started before the Add to get there about like, What are some of the potentially negative effects of a couple going to a sex club?

Keeley Rankin 30:10
Well, again, it’s like we’re, I mean, really, there’s a gamut of things that can happen. I think the biggest one is when one person feels coerced into going, feels manipulated into engaging in things they don’t want to feel in, be involved in, or feel left out.

Keeley Rankin 30:31
And, you know, oftentimes my experience with couples. So when I’m working in the after sessions, I always talk about like, what went well, and what didn’t go well, there’s always room for improvement.

Keeley Rankin 30:44
In, my opinion, I think there are always places where the connection can be deepened, pleasure can be deepened, someone could try something, you know, a little more exploratory, be a little more adventurous, more connected to themselves, I always feel like there’s a growing edge in these experiences.

Keeley Rankin 30:59
But when stuff goes really, really wrong, it often is, is not the first time in that couple that that’s happened. It’s just a hyper environment where it’s sort of illuminating an already existing wound.

Kevin Anthony 31:14
So magnifying find, that’s

Keeley Rankin 31:17
probably a better word, it’s magnifying something that was already existing. So and I think that’s what’s really true about being in these environments, like if you have a propensity for feeling left out, like, we want to talk about that before.

Keeley Rankin 31:30
And now, those are questions that I get into with couples is like, you know, what are some of the more difficult places in your relationship, because they’re most likely going to show up in this, you know, one to three hours that you’re in this environment?

Keeley Rankin 31:42
What do we do if you feel left out? You know, what do we do if we feel manipulated? You know, all of these pieces are really, really important. You know, do couples break up from going to a sex club? I don’t know. I know, I don’t think so. I think that’s so maybe a little I don’t know what the word is, like, hyper bowl is that the right word?

Keeley Rankin 32:05
Hyperbolic. But people can get their feelings really hurt. There can be a lot of hours, there can be a lot of places for anger, and a lot of places potentially for jealousy if you have a propensity for jealousy.

Keeley Rankin 32:19
And, you know, again, we don’t know what we don’t know, sometimes we find out on the back end, like, you know, you were flirting with that person at the bar, and I got really jealous, and you seemed like you wanted to have sex with them.

Keeley Rankin 32:33
And it was too much for me. And, you know, emotions can run high if it feels like the relationship is at risk, or we run into, you know, childhood trauma to obviously show up at any moment.

Kevin Anthony 32:43
Yeah. And that’s kind of what I wanted to pull out with that question is like, we talked earlier in the podcast about, oh, we’ve got this fantasy about, it’s going to be so great. We’re going to be having sex with supermodels and it’s going to make us closer.

Kevin Anthony 32:56
And I also just wanted people to understand that there is a potential sort of gotchas, right? There are some things that could happen if you’re not careful, especially if they don’t choose to work with somebody like you beforehand, right?

Kevin Anthony 33:08
And so yes, jealousy, insecurity, maybe somebody’s going too far or, you know, not having their knowledge. I mean, these are realities that can come up in that situation. And I would say, probably the biggest one, that is, is really, a possible problem is breaking the trust in your relationship, because a lot of those other things, that’s what it comes down to, it comes down to the trust, you didn’t include me, right?

Kevin Anthony 33:36
So now I can’t rush out. I feel like that Right? Or you didn’t, you went further than I, we agreed that you could go now you’ve broken trust, right? Or you tried to coerce me. So now a lot of it comes down to really intentionally damaging the trust in your relationship, and that can have devastating consequences long after the sex club experiences. Oh,

Keeley Rankin 33:58
right. And also make people feel like they never want to go back. Yeah.

Céline Remy 34:01
But it is a pattern anyway, that they already do in their religion, right? It’s not, you

Kevin Anthony 34:05
know, yeah, I just want people to be aware of potential gotchas and why they should do some work before they go. So they don’t have those things come up. But then that brings us to the next question, which is, what are the potential benefits? What are the things that could enhance a couple’s relationship as a result of going through? Well, before

Keeley Rankin 34:26
we move on, I want to come back to that, but there’s something that I wanted to mention is that you know, oftentimes what it looks like is that if you’re in a heterosexual couple, and you end up in a sex club, most likely that your partner, your female partner, the female person is going to be more sought after than the man Yeah.

Keeley Rankin 34:45
Oh, yes. And most likely, as we talked about earlier, the man is the one sort of driving going. And so there can be the fantasy that the man is going to get to be there and have sex with a bunch of other people, but most likely you’re free.

Keeley Rankin 35:00
While a partner is going to be more desired. And I think what else is really important to normalize is a lot of men will have performance issues in the sex club. In these hyper-sexualized environments, it is more difficult for your cock to get hard, more difficult to orgasm,

Kevin Anthony 35:20
both of these things that you just said are 100% True. So the guys really need to understand, like, you want to go to the section, you’re gonna convince your woman to go because you really want to go because you know, this is your fantasy.

Kevin Anthony 35:34
realize when you get there, she’s going to have practically every guy in the place wanting to have sex with there, and very few women will be approaching you. That’s just the way it is and just get used to it now, because that’s literally what you’re going to experience.

Kevin Anthony 35:50
And the other one you said is totally true, too. I am fortunate enough that I’ve never had this problem. For whatever reason, I can perform very well,

Céline Remy 36:00
because you’re an exhibitionist.

Keeley Rankin 36:02
Maybe kinky turned on

Kevin Anthony 36:04
to be there. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Totally, I admit it. So I’ve never had that problem. But I have witnessed many other people. And I’ve had close friends who, outside of that environment are like a rock solid, make love for hours, and then they get in that environment and the pressure and the stress literally affect them to the point where they can’t get an erection.

Keeley Rankin 36:27
Yeah, one of my favorite stories to tell with this is I was at the desire resort, the swingers resort down in Mexico years and years ago, and I had gone with a partner who was connected with a bunch of other people. And one of the women’s women that were there who had she’d already been with, I think we were with like six couples.

Keeley Rankin 36:44
So there were like six men, six women. And she had already been with all of them, the men, they were all connected back home. And she was gonna start menstruating the next day. So she was basically like, I want everyone to just fuck me like, let’s run a train on me like, everyone, Fuck me. Fuck me.

Keeley Rankin 36:58
Fuck me, because I’m basically going to be out of commission. And this was bad timing. And so we go upstairs, this beautiful rooftop that overlooks the ocean, and you know, and we’re in these like cabana beds, and she’s like, Okay, let’s go.

Keeley Rankin 37:12
And I don’t really know, these people other than the partner that I went with. I’m like, this is cool. Let’s see what happens. And none of the men could get hard. None of them.

Kevin Anthony 37:19
None of them.

Keeley Rankin 37:20
None of them is surprising of them. So her girlfriend who was with one of the men put a strap on and pegged her because she was like, someone’s gotta fuck me here.

Kevin Anthony 37:32
That poor woman, she’s got none of them.

Keeley Rankin 37:36
None of them. And I remember it was I was just like, wow, this is really interesting. Like, the pressure of like, it was the first night everyone had just traveled there. They at all actually knew each other. She’d had sex with all of them, but just the environment and, and the pressure.

Keeley Rankin 37:52
And, you know, she was wanting this thing, and it was built up. And I think that’s the same thing that happens in the sex club. Sometimes for men around performance is like, there’s all of this pressure, we’re gonna get there. We’re gonna fuck I’m gonna fuck other people. I’m gonna have this great big orgasm.

Keeley Rankin 38:06
And that may or may not be the case if you are an extreme exhibitionist. Yeah, you may be really turned on, I have no problem. And other things could happen too so I think it’s important to piece dimension. Well, jet lag.

Kevin Anthony 38:20
Yeah, we’ll do another jet lag. But it is, it is an important point to bring up because men need to know that this is normal. And this writer frequently, we have a common friend, you may not know this about him, because I think he pretty much had it solved by the time, you know, you and I were together and around.

Kevin Anthony 38:38
But he, for years, would show up to sex parties and could never get an erection. And it took him several years of really working on that. And I remember I was there the first time he was able to actually get interaction and have sex at a sex party. He was like the happiest guy ever. Because it took him years to get over that, that fear. So. Right,

Keeley Rankin 39:01
right. It’s a real one to talk about as our bodies are not light switches but are fantasies in our heads. But these experiences are happening in real life. And you know, what does that look like? No.

Céline Remy 39:11
So do you ever work on the couple kind of stuck separately? Because I can see things where she may want a different experience than he may want. And of course, as a couple, you might be like, okay, tonight is all about you. Right? I mean, maybe we compromise like, Do you ever do that? Or like,

Keeley Rankin 39:34
you know, most of the couples that I’ve worked with, will go it’s something I’m doing these in France, it’s like they’ll come they’ll meet me, they’ll have a vacation. They’ll go to a sex club there.

Keeley Rankin 39:45
And I think the idea of also being off the continent, you know, being US citizens going to another country. There’s this like, I don’t see anybody I know which is, you know, reassuring for people because there is this concern of like, well, I see people that I know what will What would that be like, you know, so being over there, and then I’ll work with couples after just on basic things.

Keeley Rankin 40:07
But you know, I would say like the before and after sessions are meant to help people be set up, so they don’t have to see me every time they go back to a sex club. So they’re going to have the skills and the tools that like if it works for them, they’ll be able to take those and go to the next place.

Keeley Rankin 40:22
But I think that’s a really good point of like, what if they go they have a great time, and what they learn is that they both really want different things, how do we go about helping them get that? I think that would be a piece in the follow-up of like, okay, so you Céline really want like three men to just come and eat you out.

Keeley Rankin 40:40
And like, you want Kevin to go and find them and bring them to you. And he gets to choose who they are and what you lay there. But that’s not really his thing. But we do that on Wednesday nights.

Keeley Rankin 40:50
And then on Friday nights, it’s, you know, I don’t know, you know, helping people come up with that, like, what works for them, and being able to communicate it, of course.

Kevin Anthony 40:59
So I do want to come back to at least talking about a few benefits. I don’t like to always focus on the negative parts of an experience negative what you just mentioned, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Kevin Anthony 41:10
But we covered I know, we covered the potential gotchas. Now. I want to talk at least briefly about, like, if somebody is potentially thinking about going to this, like, most likely they’re thinking this is going to add to or enhance their relationship in some way.

Kevin Anthony 41:26
So maybe if we could just talk briefly about what are some of the ways this could potentially add or enhance to their relationship?

Keeley Rankin 41:34
Right. I mean, I, I believe, and all the couples that I’ve worked with, I would say, definitely enhanced and added to their relationship for sure. Even with bumps on the road, I feel like each, all of them have come away, I would say, feeling like this was an adventure that they went on.

Keeley Rankin 41:55
And it really helped them understand their partner more, help them understand themselves, more erotically, and open their mind up to totally different potential ideas.

Keeley Rankin 42:06
I mean, when we’re in our own bedroom, and we’re not out, watching other people have sex, like, we just don’t know what other people are doing real people. I mean, they can watch porn, but that’s, you know, curated for the viewer’s enjoyment.

Keeley Rankin 42:18
Like, in a sex club, you’re really watching, you know, a guy a, you know, a John with a woman that he’s paid, or, you know, people just after work that are in throttle or a guy not able to get hard. I mean, you really see like, what are people’s sex lives? Like they’re bringing them into this room.

Keeley Rankin 42:37
And, you know, obviously, most of them are exhibitionists, right, their sex in public. But you’re getting to just see this wonderful, adult playful experience that we often don’t see because happening behind closed doors.

Keeley Rankin 42:51
So I think one of the most powerful experiences is just that feeling of like, we did this thing together, we took this risk together, our couple took this risk together. And we came out the other side. And here we are, like, look at us, like, wow, we did that thing.

Keeley Rankin 43:05
And you know, a lot of couples say like it carries this memory for years to come, like the time that they did this thing together. Yeah. And building trust versus tearing the trust down, which is a part of what could go wrong.

Kevin Anthony 43:17
Exactly. It can be a deeply bonding experience that actually deepens the trust.

Céline Remy 43:24
Plus they are in with working with you. They gain communication skills. Right? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 43:32
So you know, I didn’t want to say one thing about you know, when we were talking about the people saying when a fire there’s somebody there that I know, my so years decades of going to nude beaches, this is the same for worry that people always have about going to a nude beach, you know, in their area.

Kevin Anthony 43:51
What if I see somebody I know, then they’re there, too? Right? They were at a sex club. Do they were at a nude beach? So right. Now Now maybe you just deepened their friendship because you walked by them in the office and winked. Yeah, that’s right. Okay, so we are getting very close to the end of the show.

Kevin Anthony 44:16
But I know we’re talking about six parties all day long. But so let’s say a couple is thinking about doing this. And they’re not sure how to do it or what is the first step they can take. What should they do? Should they contact somebody like you? Is there something they should do before that what is really the first thing they should do to prepare for this experience?

Keeley Rankin 44:44
You know, I think it’s really important to evaluate, in all honesty, what your level of communication is with your partner. You know, obviously, you can make it through this without contacting a professional. I think it’s more fun I think it adds to the deepening of the connection.

Keeley Rankin 45:02
You know, my goal is just to help people have more fun in these environments and take away some of the fear and normalize it. But you know, I think it is entirely possible to go and have fun on your own.

Keeley Rankin 45:13
But I think evaluating where your communication is, and if it is strong, if it’s not, yes, 100% Well, if your communication isn’t strong, in general, you should probably just find the sex coach in general, or a relationship coach or a therapist, but you know, I think, then the next step is to have a conversation on what you’re both expecting and hoping.

Keeley Rankin 45:32
And talking about things. I think the most important conversation that has to happen is like, what you imagine you would be okay with and what you imagine you wouldn’t be okay with. And how does each person feel about the other person’s boundaries, agreements, rules, requests, and those pieces? Some couples can do that very well. And others have a really, really hard time with that.

Kevin Anthony 45:58
So yeah, I mean, that’s fantastic advice, you got to sit down and have the conversations first, absolutely. And you got to be really honest in these conversations, and not hold back. Like, here’s the here’s what I really want to get out of it.

Kevin Anthony 46:13
Here’s what I’m okay with you doing. Here’s what I’m not okay with, you got to have all that stuff figured out. And, you know, I will say I agree with you, yeah, you can, you can go to these things, and you can do it on your own without a professional and I managed to do pretty okay myself through those years of trial and error.

Kevin Anthony 46:30
But, you know, I will say that, you know, when I was younger and first experimenting with these things, I was nervous as fuck, and not just about like, my own performance or whatever. But like, what is this going to do to us?

Kevin Anthony 46:43
And it definitely would have helped if somebody sat down and said, Okay, look, here, here’s what you need to know, here’s, here’s like, that would have made things Yeah, would have taken a lot of the pressure off, it honestly would have.

Keeley Rankin 46:54
So Right. And I think the other piece too, here that it that is so important is how do we create a ritual for the couple to have that they can take full word every time they want to try something new and exploratory, that, you know, has this edge to it?

Keeley Rankin 47:09
So my other advice would be, can we find a? Can we find something that would feel good, that you guys can do each time before you go to feel connected? Because that’s really where this manifested from was like, here we are going to the sex clubs feeling disconnected? How do we really feel connected?

Keeley Rankin 47:22
Right, we didn’t have any of the issues of like, someone wanted to do something, the other person to have a no, there were never breaches of trust, that was the really interesting thing is like, everything was really wonderful, per se, in terms of communication and everything with my partner. It’s just like, the sex wasn’t the sexual connection. Our deeper connection wasn’t happening.

Keeley Rankin 47:43
And I think that’s the other piece to keep in mind is like, even if all these things are in a row, even if nothing goes wrong, per se, there still can be that feeling of like how, what, like, how do we really connect there?

Kevin Anthony 47:56
Yeah. And so there are two potential issues. One is like, how do we keep the train on the tracks and not have anything go wrong? But then the other is, is it even if we keep the train on the tracks? Is this adding to or giving us a better experience, or at least as good as what we would normally have or not?

Kevin Anthony 48:12
And we’ve experienced both? You know, we’ve been in scenarios where we were like, wow, that was truly amazing. And then we’ve been in other ones where we’re like, nothing went wrong. Technically, it was fine yet. We had sex two days ago at home by ourselves, and it blew this away, right?

Kevin Anthony 48:27
You know, and so, so those are definitely possibilities. Okay, tell our listeners how they can find out more about you if they are interested in working with you. Where do they find you?

Keeley Rankin 48:41
Yes, so the easiest way to find me is on my website, which is Keeley rankin.com KEELEYRANKIN. And for this specific area, the way that I label it is some is called before and after session, so it’s before and after the sex club. All right,

Céline Remy 49:00
you really need to do it. It sounds like a lot of fun. If that’s something that you

Keeley Rankin 49:05
see, yes, yeah, come see me when I’m over there. Let’s do it.

Kevin Anthony 49:09
Alright, so we do have one last question that we always end the show with

Céline Remy 49:15
I give you the honor today. Okay. Usually, you ask the question. That’s why

Kevin Anthony 49:21
I think we’re probably gonna get a good answer this time, but we’ll see. All right, so our last question is what is your best sexual talent?

Keeley Rankin 49:30
Best sexual talent. That’s interesting.

Kevin Anthony 49:38
I need my Jeopardy music

Keeley Rankin 49:40
and brain. I’m running through like a list of things that I’m like I’m really good at that. But also what I’m going for what when do I feel the most powerful? That’s what I’m leaning towards. This is so interesting.

Kevin Anthony 49:59
To do some more crickets

Keeley Rankin 50:07
I think that my talent, sexual talent is being able to sense where people’s arousal is arousal level, and really play in the field of taking them up and back down in that really like deep teasing way.

Keeley Rankin 50:28
So whether or not it’s just through, like physically moving into them and feeling them, like, are you going to touch me or not, or if it’s actually like directly in genital stimulation through like oral sex or handoffs,

Keeley Rankin 50:40
but like I feel like I have a really the ability for me to connect with people and to feel where they are in their bodies without having to ask and just to be able to read their body cues. I feel like it’s something that I have a very special talent for, that allows me to really like play in that like, gotcha space.

Kevin Anthony 51:04
That’s a fantastic answer. You know, if people are interested in having like the kind of sex that we talk about all the time like some people call tantric sex, but that, that long lovemaking sessions that move up and down and go through all these different dimensions,

Kevin Anthony 51:19
like the only way you can do that is if your partner can do what you just said, be able to feel where somebody’s at in their arousal and play with it and move it up, move it down, move it up, move it down. So that is a fantastic skill to have. Thank you.

Céline Remy 51:35
Keeley, it was wonderful having you on the show today. Thank you for being here with us.

Keeley Rankin 51:39
Yes, it was such a pleasure was really great to chat with you both.

Kevin Anthony 51:43
All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 52:00
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Céline remy.com forward slash vault. That’s c e l i n e r e m y.com forward slash vault.

Kevin Anthony 52:15
Thanks for listening. And

Céline Remy 52:16
remember, you’re amazing